STARTING NOW: New Rules for 12/5/08
Starting Now: New Rules
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STARTING NOW: Magazines and websites have to stop using that one skinny photo of Oprah Winfrey, taken back in 1994 when she ran that marathon. Who are you kidding? She’s pushing 250 these days, and the only place she’s running is to the fridge to get more marinara for her mozzarella sticks. |
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STARTING NOW: Stop giving me news about the movie Twilight. I don’t know who Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are. I don’t know what they do in the movie. I just know I want them to eat garlic and die. |
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STARTING NOW: The Food Network has to immediately stop running that annoying commercial for PARTINI. Every time I hear that jingle, a small portion of my soul blackens and dies. How long until this piece of shit game is in the dollar bin-tini? |
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STARTING NOW: My hairdresser has to shut the hell up while cutting my hair. I don’t want to hear about “the hysterical time” you got drunk and trimmed your boyfriend’s hairy ballsack with a pair of your cuticle cutters. What is this, the “before” portion of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover? I’m here for a cut and color – not to film an episode of Jerry Springer. And while I’m at it, you can grab my chin and say “a little to the left” as much as you want. My head only turns so far. I’m not an owl. Thanks. |
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