Courtney Stodden, Explained

Yesterday, we showed you a video of Courtney Stodden, pretending to be a cat. While we can’t really explain why that video, we can explain Courtney Stodden for the uninitiated among you. Courtney Stodden burst, overly-developed, onto the scene in July of 2011 with the news that 51-year-old actor Doug Hutchinson (from Lost) was marrying a 16-year-old girl named Courtney Stodden. That news might have faded away were it not for this bombshell of an interview.

Gross, right? Wait, I mean weird, right? Wait, I’m teetering back toward gross. OK, we’ll just call it gross and weird. Well, I know what you’re thinking from this video. They’re going to be happily married, and Courtney is going to settle into the traditional housewife role. No way. She’s a girl with ambition, and shortly after that interview, she dropped her first hit song, “Don’t Put It On Me.” Don’t worry if you don’t have it on your iPod, yet. From what I understand, putting this on your MP3 player immediately voids the warranty.

After that, Courtney and her husband took a page from the Spencer and Heidi playbook and began carefully crafting “events” for paparazzi to photograph them and keep them in the tabloids. We saw Courtney and Doug go shopping for pumpkins. We saw Courtney as a mermaid. We even saw Courtney sexually harass a Santa Claus (Doug).

Someone at the North Pole should’ve called Christmas off after that. For good.

Her Twitter game was insane. She would tweet things that were supposed to be sexy like “Experiencing such a wet ‘n wild afternoon by turning on a water hose and squirting it all over my heated flesh! Mmm feeling rejuvenated! XOs” Her tweets were riddles in which you tried to figure out how she thought whatever it was she’d tweeted was sexy. Now’s she’s got her own hashtag that, sadly, people are participating in: #FridayFloorFlash.

She has created a Youtube channel and has managed to turn herself into a F-list celebrity. She’s got her best years ahead of her… though probably fewer of them than she though since we suspect Doug is siphoning off her vitality to keep himself from growing older. There’s nothing about her that is normal, and everything she does makes us question the validity of our own worldview. Maybe we’re the weird ones, and she is normal.

And lest you think we’re exaggerating, we leave you with this image. It is the new normal: