Katie Holmes’ Guide To The Free World

Posted by Earnest on July 5, 2012


Katie Holmes married Tom Cruise in November 2006. She just managed to break free of his clutches last week, filing for divorce from the highest paid actor of 2011. The world has changed a lot since Tom Cruise pulled her deep into his world of crazy, a world where she was known as Kate, was serious about some things including her haircut but excluding her acting career, and gave birth to a Scientology scion named Suri. Now that she’s free, we know the world is going to feel disorienting so we’re going to help her out with a guide to the ways the world has changed since late 2006.

Yes, Katie, we’re not just watching TV anymore. I mean, we still watch TV, but we’ve found other more convenient ways to rot our brains. Specifically, we’re referring to videos online, propagated mainly through Youtube. You got married in November 2006, and most of the free world discovered Youtube through a sketch that appeared on Saturday Night Live in December 2006, when you were still honeymooning on the Scientology Org At Sea (don’t try to convince us you did anything else). Here’s an example of the sort of video Youtube became famous for spreading throughout the world.

You remember when that happened right? Oprah was never the same afterwards. Who can forget the time she unleashed bees on her audience?


Motion Controls
The Nintendo Wii revolutionized video gaming. It was released two days after you were married, so you probably never actually got to witness the grip it had on the country for several years. It was a novelty, but it led to further developments in the area, including the Kinect, which Microsoft released for the Xbox 360. Although you may have never used the Kinect, I’m sure you’re familiar with the basics because it’s very similar to something we are certain you’ve seen over and over again:

We’re sorry for making you watch that again, Katie, but, yeah, that’s pretty much how we’re living these days.

So the last time you were on the outside, there were things people said that just aren’t acceptable anymore. Here are some examples:
Get Crunk – No one gets crunk anymore. The housing crisis and subsequent depression put an end to that.
Bling Bling – Somewhere in Idaho, a 52 year old PTA mom used the word Bling Bling and it died an immediate death. The world was thankful.
Izzle – Yes, it was fun saying fo’ shizzle and my nizzle, but we’ve all agreed to just stop.
Badonkadonk – No one has a bodonkadonk, anymore.

We beg you. Please don’t get caught in public saying any of the above.


The iPhone was introduced in mid-2007. Everyone has one now. It’s part of the Democrats’ socialist agenda to have the government control every aspect of our sadly identical lives. The best thing that can be said for the iPhone is that it gave us Damn You, Autocorrect! Be careful. iPhones are everywhere, just waiting to capture you on camera when you slip up in your most vulnerable moments, which is also part of the government’s agenda, designed to stop terrorism and spontaneity.

Remember how, back in the day, you used to always have to be on the lookout for Ashton Kutcher and his crew of practical jokers for fear they might punk you? Oh the relief you felt when MTV finally put an end to that nonsense just after you got married. Well, the possibility of your getting Punk’d has returned because MTV has resurrected Punk’d, but now you won’t be getting Punk’d by Ashton. It’s more likely that you’ll get punk’d by Justin Bieber. Oh right… you probably don’t know who Justin Bieber is. This is Justin Bieber:

That video has been viewed 755 million times on that Youtube thing we were talking about. That’s really all you need to know about the modern world. Good luck out there, Katie.

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