Weird Sex Patents From The US Patent Office

PATENT US5657765: Erotic Stimulator

Your eyes are not deceiving you. You are looking at a mechanical tongue to be worn in the mouth of one’s paramour. I would do anything to be around the day that someone’s kid saw one of these devices laying around, thought it was a slug, screamed, and ran to find some salt to pour on it. Imagine their horror when the salt failed to kill the slug, and it became clear that they were dealing with a mechanized roboslug. Or at least mechanized roboslug is what the kid’s parents would’ve called it to throw their kid off the trail.

PATENT US20110009693A1: Method And Device For Inducing Erotic Stimulation While Asleep

This is essentially vibrator with a sleep timer on it. You set it and forget it. I can think of nothing funnier than the day some guy says to his wife, “Honey, wake up. Your vagina is going off again.”

 PATENT US6805663: Method Of Shared Erotic Experience And Facilities For Same

This looks like the EPCOT Center of erotic experiences. Each of those little tubes you see in the middle of that complex is a compartment for use by one or two people. Each of those tubes has a number of “entertainments” that proceed according to a set schedule so that everyone shares in an erotic experience together. If you’re going to go to this erotic EPCOT, make sure you get the flash pass that allows you to cut to the front of the line, because 1) the line is probably going to be long and 2) you don’t want to be the second or third person in the tube.

PATENT US20100001463: Game And Related Kits

This one makes me angry. This is essentially the fortune teller that every single one of us played with in elementary school. The difference is that the flap you open at the end of your turn tells you some erotic action to take. SOMEONE HAS PATENTED THE FORTUNE TELLER AND TURNED IT INTO A SEX TOY!!! I’ll be back with the last weird, erotic patent in just a moment. I’ve got to go lay my childhood to rest.

PATENT US5613251: Locking Rape Prevention Belt

There are a great many patents for rape-prevention devices. This is one of the funnier ones to me. It’s a cut-resistant belt with a padlock on the underside designed to be used by women wearing trousers or shorts. So the upside is no rape, legitimate or otherwise, but the downside is that day you forget your key and have to call a locksmith to come get you out of your pants.