The Jersey Shore Cast: Where Are They Now

MTV cancelled Jersey Shore, today, rather than pay the Jersey Shore kids even more money to sit around and do nothing than they’re already making. It’s only been a couple hours since MTV made the announcement, but we already find ourselves wondering—where are they now? Let’s check in.

Vinny: Put on all the clothes in his closet and immediately began living out of his suitcase.

PAULY: Kicking females for a low hourly rate. Look for him on Craigslist.

J-Woww: Starring in a new show on Chatroulette.

SNOOKI: She keeps the baby in the suitcase (major Parent Fail), and she yells at passers-by to give her clothes, money, or another baby.

Mike “The Situation”: Attempted to donate his body to science early. Science rejected his offer on the grounds that the body was useless without a brain.

Ronnie: Got into investment banking, sold himself some bad mortgage-backed securities, turned himself into the police for defrauding himself—all before noon.

Sammi Sweetheart: Hasn’t been seen in hours. Told friends and family she was going to go back to school and try to make something of herself. No one had the heart to make sure she knew where any school was.