5 People It’s Okay To Hate
1. The obsessive high fiver
These assclowns try to high five you every 30 seconds for no reason whatsoever. Oh, a squirrel is eating out of the bird feeder outside? HIGH FIVE FOR THE SQUIRREL! Your mother won $149 by playing 1-2-6 backup? HIGH FIVE FOR YOUR MOM! You just took a shit? HIGH FIVE FOR YOUR COLON! Look, obsessive high fiver. I’m sorry your esteem is so low that you need to seek constant approval and validation from a handslap, but it’s not my problem. Put your hand down and walk away. Bottom Line: There’s no need to celebrate every accomplishment, so give it a rest.
2. Guys who wear sunglasses on the back of their heads
Whoever started this trend needs to be bitch slapped with Busty Heart’s left breast, because it’s just hideous. These guys are usually police officers and military personnel with bald or shaved heads, or douchebags like Guy Fieri with frosted tips and black roots. They think they’re clever and innovative, but they’re really just douchebags with unusually small penises who lie to their friends about how many girls they’ve hooked up with. Bottom Line: There have to be better ways to hide the disgusting fat rolls on the back of your neck. Find one.
3. The person in front of you in line paying with a check
When you’re in a rush, few things are more infuriating than somebody in front of you paying with a check. So know this, check writer, everyone behind you hates you. Why? It’s taken you four minutes to write out “Thirteen Dollars and eighty two cents,” and you haven’t even done the math in your check register yet. Kill me now. Bottom Line: Get with the times and pick up a debit card. You suck.
4. The fake drunk
These losers drink half a beer, and then within moments start slurring their speech and stumbling around the room like they just polished off a case off Grey Goose with Andy Dick. This is a desperate act used by losers to help them fit in, and by attention seeking whores to help them get laid. (There’s a funny “Fake Drunk Mormon” video at Spike that sums it up nicely!)
Bottom Line: We’re all onto you, fake drunk. You’re lame.
5. The hardcore scrapbooker
If the highlight of your day is scoring 10% off a discounted rubber stamp at Jo-Ann Fabrics, chances are you have no life. Just the word SCRAPBOOKER sends chills down my spine, because so many women take the shit way too seriously. “Let’s have a scrapbook party and spend $165 on decorative hole punches and fancy scissors that will allow us to better chronicle every single event of our lives and our children’s lives!” Bottom Line: Photos already have meaning, without you sticking pink baby rattles or palm tree stickers on them. Get a life.