9 Reasons Why Being a Celebrity Sounds TERRIBLE
1. Your “performance art” sex monologue is leaked to the press, and misinterpreted. So now everyone is wondering if Jason Sudeikis really does have sex like a Kenyan marathon runner, and if he does, what the hell does that even mean? Like, does he put it in while running in place? Or is it just a way to describe how fast he finishes? Everyone is now confused because of your art.
2. You can’t flirt with random blonde girls at bars without your cheating-ex, Kristen Stewart (who you are kind of trying to get back together with maybe), finding out about it from really grainy leaked pictures…
3. If you start dating Ryan Gosling, every single woman will hate you and there’s nothing you can do about it. Because how dare you be “The Chosen One.” You can’t just feed him pizza…we have to hate you now because you have him and he should be for sharing and it’s JUST NOT FAIR, OKAY?! (What’s that? You guys broke up? And you’re dating some older British guy now? Yay! Hatred revoked!!)
4. Scientology wants your first born child (probably). Like, at least a little…
5. Unless you wear makeup 24/7, which you don’t, you will most definitely have your makeup-less picture featured on the “Stars Without Makeup” list, and be brutally criticized for not having magazine-face at all times.
6. You can’t pull wedgies in public. What are you thinking?!
7. Every waiter you will ever have will tell everyone you are a horrible tipper if you don’t tip more than average. And you can’t live with that–roommates everywhere will think you’re a total a**hole while watching your movies! (So tip well, Keira. Or Godspeed…)
8. Everyone is talking about how big your penis looks under your trousers, and you have to accept that no one can handle it.
9. You can’t go out clubbing with your mom in peace. It’s always gotta turn into some kind of “drama.” UGH.
BUT if you are a celebrity, you might get to do this with Ryan Gosling…
SO SIGN ME UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!