Sadly, I’ve seen a lot of blow up dolls in my day… in movies, on television, and/or dangling from trees outside fraternity houses during my illustrious college days at UConn. These dolls have all shared one thing in common: THEY ARE FUGLY.

Sex is a multi-billion dollar business, so why the hell are blow up doll manufacturers still stealing their design ideas from 4th grade special ed art classes? And who’s doing the hair and make-up on these things? The old makeover team from the Sally Jesse Raphael show?

This one has hair like hair like Carol Brady and eyebrows like Rosie Perez circa 1992. Psst: nice black roots.

This one is terrifying. From the neck up, it looks like Angela Lansbury in a sarcophagus. And who applied that blue eye shadow? The ghost of Tammy Faye Bakker?

It’s Bill Cosby with a cleft palate! Are you turned on yet?

What a striking Roman nose! Also: a rectangular head? Really?.

You could fit your entire lower body inside this one’s gigantic Giada De Laurentiis-sized mouth.

At least this one has the decency to actually act surprised that someone’s shoving their penis into its mouth.

Why is the Three’s Company theme song suddenly in my head?

Half giraffe, half human, totally frightening. Sex dolls should never look like strangulated murder victims on Forensic Files.