[That's not a fortune! That's a threat!]

[That sounds more like lunch on the Biggest Loser ranch.]

[Is that supposed to be impressive? Cave men ate bark and liked it, too.]

[This is what happens when Hallmark writers go rogue.]

[...IN BED!]

[Yesterday? Today? This is a fortune cookie. Shouldn't you be telling me about tomorrow?]

[Then why aren't Chinese food places serving scrambled egg-rolls or General Tso's omlets?]

[They do on Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern.]

[More like "keep fortune cookie writing away from morons."]

[APPARENTLY.]