5 Stupid Ways to Try to Get Out of Being Arrested if You Get Arrested While Drunk
The idea of getting arrested is something I take very seriously, so I’ve decided to come up with some strategies for getting out of it that don’t involve the words, “The first one is free, officer!”
So here are 5 Stupid Ways To Try To Get Out of Being Arrested if You Get Arrested While Drunk
1. Impress the Cop
As soon as he approaches, break out into the most elegant, beautiful dance you can do. You can do this in a number of ways, but since you’re drunk it’s probably best to tap dance, unless you’ve been drinking PBR. If you’ve been drinking PBR and are thus feeling extra graceful, you should definitely perform an elegant ballet. Just because you can’t pass the “walk in a straight line,” test, doesn’t mean you can’t pass the “that is a goddamn beautiful ballerina” test. He will weep as you dance your way into his cop heart, and he will be forced to let you go.
2. Troll the Cop
As soon as the cop approaches you, contort your body into a Gollum-like fashion and “troll-ify” yourself. Give the cop a difficult riddle to solve, but tell him he only has thrice guesses to answer it. Use the word “thrice” a lot, it’ll make him certain you are a legit troll. Tell him that if he fails to answer the riddle correctly, he must let you go. *If he actually does get it right on the thrice try, bargain with him like the troll you are: Tell him he can rub your belly and make a wish if he doesn’t arrest you.
Remember these creepy mofos? You do now.
3. Make the Cop Question His Own Identity
As soon as he approaches you, start crying and act like he is your long, long lost brother. Tell him it’s okay, that you have loved and missed him, and assure him that it’s going to be all right. Tell him that you forgive him for not finding you after all these years, because since you were kidnapped, you always had a hunch that this Taco Bell parking lot was the place you’d find each other again. To convince him further, ask to borrow $20.
4. Mime-Your-Way-Out-of-It the Cop
This is a sure thing. As the cop approaches you, turn into a mime and act like you are trapped in a box, confused and sad. This will show him two things:
1. That you are a noble and intelligent American, practicing your right to remain silent, and
2. That he can’t arrest you because there is no way in or out of that box. How can he slap cuffs on someone who is already in a prison of his own mind? He can’t. And he won’t.
5. Morgan Freeman the Cop
Start narrating everything that is happening in Morgan Freeman’s voice. This will soothe and subdue the cop into a deep, beautiful slumber before he can ask to see your ID. The next morning he will wake up in awe, thinking that he almost arrested God but didn’t. He’ll then be inspired to write a TV pilot about a cop who talks to God. Kind of like Joan of Arc meets Fight Club, but he’s a cop who doesn’t see God, he just hears him, because it’s about the battle of man vs. man vs. a higher power. It will get picked up by ABC because of course it will.
If none of this works and you DO get arrested, there is only one thing you can and should do. Sing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of your lungs all the way to the station. Sure, he’ll still book you, BUT…he’ll never forget you. And isn’t that what really matters in life?
“Lies! The first one is never ‘free‘! EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT!”
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