4 Ways to Deal When Some Jerk Breaks Your Heart

1. DON’T: Text them, sext them, call them, email them, Facebook them, Tweet them, or snapchat a dirty picture to them.

DO: Make a “Screw That Person Who Just Broke My Heart” screwdriver.  It’s like a normal screwdriver, but with 50% more alcohol.

2. DON’T: Listen to sad music.  Specifically anything from Radiohead, Damien Rice, or Gotye.  And don’t even THINK about listening to Taylor Swift.  You know he/she wasn’t worth it.

DO: Sing and dance along to “Magic Dance” from Labyrinth. It’s the equivalent of taking half an ecstasy pill, without the risk of seizures or death.

3. DON’T: Look at all of their activity/pictures/status updates on Facebook or Twitter to try to figure out how they’re feeling, what they’re doing, where they are, or who they are with.  Definitely don’t go to that bar they just checked into on Facebook, or casually drive by their house to see if they are home.

DO: Get off the internet.  Get off it.  Just get off.  Invite one of your closest friends over and just do some good old-fashioned smack talk on the jerk.  It’ll make you feel better.

4. DON’T: Get back on the internet after your awesome friend leaves and try to make it seem like you’re having the time of your life without them–posting pictures of yourself smiling and laughing, updating your status with hackneyed Marilyn Monroe quotes, “liking” things from that other dude you know you’re not actually into, but are trying to convince yourself is okay to flirt with out of a desperate attempt to make that heart-breaker jealous.  Be happy, have the time of your life–you just don’t NEED to try to put up a “look how much better I am without you front,” to feel good about yourself/prove anything to that jerk.  Be actually happy for you, not for them.

DO: GET OFF THE INTERNET.  Seriously, it is the worst part of modern courtship.  With it’s constant access to past, happy memories you had with that person (and constant updates of what they are doing right now that is apparently a better time than being with you), the internet is a time-trap that makes it impossible for you to move on.  Remember…

So don’t give them your consent.  (Yes I realize that is a callback to the hackneyed quotes thing I mentioned before–read it, learn it, live it–JUST DON’T POST IT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.)