7 Reasons Chris Brown Might Punch You

Chris Brown allegedly punched Frank Ocean over a parking space last night.

TMZ Reports: “Cops say they will continue to investigate and want to speak with Chris Brown.  They refer to Ocean as “the victim” because he’s the one who stuck around and spoke with police.  Ocean said the fight started over a parking space (how L.A.) and Brown punched him.  There were 6 people involved in the fight.”

Over a parking space.  A parking space. 

It got us thinking…what else might incite Chris Brown to punch you in the face?  You know, just in case you’re ever in front of him in line at the DMV…

1. If you wake him up.  Clearly in his latest single, “Don’t Wake Me Up,” he is giving us all fair warning.

2. If you are more talented than him.  The last two people he punched learned that lesson the hard way.

3. If you are on his PR team, and you suggest that maybe he should stop punching people in the face.  He will probably respond with punching you in the face for suggesting he has any control over his punching, which he clearly doesn’t.

4. If you remind him that he literally tweeted this a week before punching Frank Ocean over a parking spot:

Don’t tell him that punching has nothing to do with, “sticking with love,” or the fact that punching is, indeed, basically the opposite of “sticking with love.”  He won’t like that.

6. If You remind him about that whole Rihanna thing. That incident was completely unrelated.  It was over him cheating on her, whereas this incident was over something much more important and worthy of shattering his career even more: A most beloved and rare and treasured L.A. parking space.  SO DON’T YOU DARE COMPARE APPLES TO ORANGES OR YOU WILL GET PUNCHED, OLD LADY!

7. If you are completely harmless. This is just simple logic: Rihanna > Frank Ocean > Old Lady > Puppy.

There.  You have been duly warned.  Now when you see Chris Brown at da club, or the DMV, or (inevitably) Prison, you will know what not to do to receive one of his famous “knuckle sandwiches.”

It has not been yet confirmed if Frank Ocean’s “wearing of a headband” also came into play as to the motive of the assault.