14 Dating Tips For 2014!
I’ve decided to generously share some things I’ve learned about dating from this past year…
1. If you go on a few amazing dates with someone sexy, but then they have to cancel plans on you three times in a row, (insisting that their cancellations are legit and not because of any “diminished interest”), and then they proceed to string you along for 6 months through text messages while making very little to almost no effort to have any physical interaction with you, it’s perfectly logical to assume that this person is probably your soulmate.
2. When you’re on a fourth date with someone and they actually berate you for ten f*cking minutes for confessing that you liked Third Eye Blind in middle school, insist on paying for the meal because you’ll always remember the moment you paid for the meal of the person you just realized is probably your one true love.
3. If you’re all out of $100 Miss Dior Perfume, (mostly because you never bought it in the first place because smelling expensive is just not as important as smelling food), then Febreeze Air Effects in “Hawaiian Breeze” makes a perfectly fine substitute. However… If you’re going on a date with a berating, self-obsessed asshole, who you’re pretty sure is the love of your life, go to Nordstrom and have them make you a free sample of the expensive shit. Narcissistic soulmates can smell $4.99 furniture sprays a mile away, and trust me you do not want to take that kind of risk.
4. If you’re dating two terrible people at once, be sure to turn off your phone before making out with either of them. Because there is nothing worse to an ego-maniacal prick than realizing the girl they are making out with is getting booty texts from another ego-maniacal prick.
5. Agree with everything anyone you want to have sex with says until you have sex with them. That way, if the sex is amazing, you’ll know that you’ll want to agree with everything they say and think for the rest of your life in order to keep them around. If the sex is sub-par, you can probably afford to voice your opinion once in a while. (Just try to stay away from talking smack on their fave indie bands, because people really go ape-shit over people talking shit on their precious indie bands.)
6. When A$AP Rocky’s “F*ckin’ Problems” inexplicably reminds you of the person you’re dating, take that as a sign that this person is for sure “The One.”
7. Shave your legs with baby oil for legs that are so smooth, you could polish furniture with them. (*That’s the only sound advice I’m going to give on this list, by the way.)
8. When you write a poem about the person you’ve fallen in love with, and the first
run-on sentence line is, “My love makes me feel alive because he keeps me insecure most of the time, but occasionally says something nice which gives me hope, but not too much hope– just enough so that I keep trying to be his idyllic mate, kind of like Katy Perry is trying to do with John Mayer…” you’ll know that you finally know what real love is, and that you’re pretty good at writing run-on sentences poetry about it.
9. If you’ve spent three months with someone and you’ve cried at least 5 times about horrible things they’ve done or said to you so far, take it as a sign that this douchebag must be really special for having the ability to bring out raw, gut-wrenching, and completely unsolicited emotions in you like that.
10. If you run into the person you (thought you) were exclusively seeing on a date with someone else, email them to (basically) tell them to go f*ck themselves the next day. However, be sure to be very understanding and forgiving when they call you two days later to explain that they only want to date around and be as much of an asshole to as many women as a possible right now because they just got out of a 3 year relationship six months ago and need to bed as many women as possible before getting into another one of those “committed things.”
11. Lead as many people on as much as possible so that you always have at least one loser to hang out with at the end of the week.
12. If a guy breaks up with you but then tries to sleep with you ten minutes later, take it as a sign that he really respects you.
13. Men with blue eyes are not to be trusted. (*Okay, that is the second and last piece of sound advice I will put on this list.)
14. If the person you’re dating tells you they don’t believe in “right or wrong,” but they drive a Prius, try to wife that shit immediately, because those types of contradictory hipster assholes are hella hard to find outside of Silverlake these days…
In conclusion: Just worship the ground the guy you’re seeing walks on, especially if they are a known and/or current prick. You know, like Katy Perry is doing with John Mayer…
That’s right, Katy. You keep your mouth shut and don’t talk shit on John’s favorite obscure Marx Brothers movie...that is, if you wanna keep his sexy selfish ass around...
I basically stole all of my ideas of what love is from Kristen Wiig’s relationship with Jon Hamm in Bridesmaids, if that makes sense…
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