New Year’s Resolutions for Pop Culture in 2014
Here are the New Year’s Resolutions for Pop Culture in 2014…
1. Leonardo DiCaprio will date someone who is a) Not a blonde and b) Not a model c) Me.
2. Miley Cyrus will stop licking everything she can get her tongue on. (I’m thinking of her hygiene and nothing else here.)
3. Pophangover will become the #1 source for pop culture news and satire for like, everyone.
4. George Clooney will adopt at least one kid. And by “adopt at least one kid” I mean “date at least one model under 30 years old who is looking for some mega publicity action for a few months.”
5. Justin Beiber will stop Justin Beibering.
6. Selena Gomez will decide whether she’s the type of girl you masturbate to, or the type of girl who you take home to your parents. (Because according to Selena Gomez, you can’t be both?)
7. Movies will not exceed $16. (Ha!)
8. The government will just put Jennifer Lawrence’s face on the $20 bill already. (Sorry Andrew Jackson, but you are no longer America’s Sweetheart.)
9. Dawson’s Creek reunion.
10. “Dad Jokes” will become the best thing you can use to impress someone on a date. (Imma get so much booty.)
11. The Kardashians will decide they don’t want another photograph taken of them ever again and/or join the Amish.
12. Every weekend will become a three day weekend.
13. Everyone will stop taking pictures of their food. (Unless their food is singing and dancing and working on a Rubik’s cube.)
14. There will be no more RIDICULOUS photo-shopping. (Unless it’s for comedic purposes.)
15. No more viral wedding proposals.
16. Adele will collaborate with Beyonce on at least one song.
17. Katy Perry will leave John Mayer before it’s too late…
18. Taylor Swift will find a new love. And then another love. And then another love. Etc, etc.
19. No more female bloggers putting down women for not being “wife-material,” or telling women how to become “wife material.” Don’t even get me started on the male bloggers who do this…
20. There will be no more dance trends that make one look like one’s butt is going into anaphylactic shock.
21. Scientists will discover that Nutella is the most nutrient-rich food in the world.
22. Lorde will reveal that she is, in fact, 312 years old.
23. All of the people of the internet will all understand sarcasm for once and for all.
24. All YouTube comments will either be kind or constructive.
25. A new boy band will sing about quantum physics and quantum physics only, instead of singing about how beautiful it is for girls to be cripplingly insecure… They will be called “String Theory” because that is a goddamn genius name for a boy band who use string instruments to sing about quantum physics.
26. Aaron Paul (as well as continuing acting/being the greatest human being ever), will take over Ed McMahon’s old Publisher’s Clearing House gig and just show up to peoples’ houses with large checks once in a while.
27. There will be a show even better than Breaking Bad. #ThingsThatAreImpossible2014
28. The lyrics to Elton John’s “Bennie and the Jets” will finally become clear to us all.
29. Matt Damon will annouce that he is running for President in 2016.
30. Beyonce and Jay Z will finally reveal that they are not only in the Illuminati, they are immortals who f*cking started it together…
I mean just put her on the money or give her a National holiday or something…