DANCING WITH THE STARS: Season 9 Cast First Look

Posted by Jillian Madison on August 17, 2009

Meet the Season 9 Cast of Dancing With The “Stars”:

Chuck Liddell: Former Ultimate Fighting Championship lightweight champion, and current douchebag.

Louie Vito: We’re never heard of him either. Apparently he snowboards, and his claim to fame is coming in 5th at the Men’s Superpipe competition in January, 2006

Natalie Coughlin: She’s an Olympic swimmer. Blah, blah, blah. Are you bored yet?

Michael Irvin: A former Dallas Cowboys wide receiver. Because, you know, seeing Dancing With The Stars would implode and die without a football player.

Mya: An R&B singer who once worked with Sisqo, an ugly little midget with silver hair who sang about thongs.

Kelly Osbourne: She’s never done anything in life, other than having been fathered by a man who used to write shitty music.

Macy Gray: She had one hit song, over a decade ago. Apparently that qualifies you as a star these days.

Debi Mazar: Currently on HBO’s “Entourage” but you’ve probably seen her on TV playing the same trashy Jersey Girl character over. And over. And wow! She’s been in some Madonna videos: “Papa Don’t Preach,” “True Blue,” “Deeper and Deeper” and “Music.” A STAR IS BORN!

Ashley Hamilton: Another spoiled brat who has never done anything aside from being born to famous parents. This brat is the son of George Hamilton and Alana Stewart (and stepson of Rod Stewart), and was married to Shannen Doherty for FIVE WHOLE MONTHS in 2003.

Kathy Ireland: 56-yr old former swimsuit model. Yawn.

Joanna Krupa: Never heard of her. Apparently Maxim named her the sexiest swimsuit model in the world.

Aaron Carter: Backstreet Boy Nick Carter’s less popular, much thinner little brother.

Donny Osmond: Yelch. What’s wrong, Donny? Found some free time in your schedule since no variety hours needed hosting over the next few weeks?

Melissa Joan Hart: This woman has annoyed the hell out of me ever since my sister made me watch an episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch in 1996.

Tom DeLay: Scumbag former Republican House Majority Leader who resigned after being indicted on campaign finance violations.

Mark Dacascos: First, being the chairman of Kitchen Stadium on Food Network’s Iron Chef America does not make you a current star. Second, he’ll always be Louis Stevens from the 1993 movie Only The Strong in my eyes.

facebook comment widget