STARTING NOW: week of 5/12/08

Posted by Jillian Madison on May 13, 2008
STARTING NOW:
Infomercial salesman “Billy Mays” needs to shut the hell up. If you think his products are going to get that ketchup stain out of your shirt, or make your appliances glow like the kid from American Pie’s dick after sticking it in a gallon of plutonium, you’re an idiot. And if you think he looks handsome with that beard, you’re his mother.

starting now…

STARTING NOW:
Casual bike riders need to take off the extreme cycling gear. Towns across America are overrun with morons on broken down 10-speeds, wearing these neon biking jerseys and skintight shorts like they’re about to pedal past Lance Armstrong in the tour de france. Excuse me, but exactly how aerodynamic do you need to be in order to effectively cut me off making that lefthand turn between the KFC and the bowling alley?

starting now…

STARTING NOW:
No more curbside take-out at restaurants. If you’re about to consume an 8400 calorie meal, the least you can do is walk your fat ass inside to get it.

starting now…

STARTING NOW:
Anderson Cooper needs to stop squinting every 15 seconds. Hey Anderson, it’s not making you look intellectual and interested… it’s making you look like Jackie Chan with an astygmatism. Who the hell does this guy think he is? Am I the only one who remembers that just a few years ago, he was hosting THE MOLE on ABC?

starting now…

STARTING NOW:
When someone sneezes more than once, stop eagerly saying “God Bless You” after every sneeze, like you’re just 24 “bless you’s” away from receiving a free toaster from Jesus Christ. It’s unnecessary. Wait for the final sneeze, offer one “Bless You,” and move along.

starting now…

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