STARTING NOW: week of 5/19/08

Posted by Jillian Madison on May 20, 2008

STARTING NOW:
Waiters and waitresses have to stop reciting the 20 minute long list of specials. Like I give a shit. If I cared what your chef was doing with his meat tonight, I would have followed him into the mens room.

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STARTING NOW:
Supermarkets have to turn off the water misters in the produce section. Come up with another way to keep your baby carrots fresh or at least turn down the pressure on those spray nozzles. Last week, I went in for a head of romaine, and came out looking like I just caught a front-row show at Sea World.

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STARTING NOW:
When you see a dog eating grass, stop saying “Oh, it must have an upset stomach.” IT’S A DOG. It can’t tell the difference between crabgrass or your mother in law’s burnt meatloaf. Stop giving it so much credit. It probably just got done eating its own shit and pissing on your pillow.

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STARTING NOW:
Kids have to stop holding a buttercup under my chin to see if I like butter. It’s stupid and it doesn’t work. Cant they just do it the old fashioned way and look at my ass?

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STARTING NOW:
Fat people who lost a lot of weight must stop saving their old, gigantic pants for photoshoots. Give them to the goodwill. Along with your deep fryer and dominos speed pass.

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