STARTING NOW: week of 5/26/08

Posted by Jillian Madison on May 27, 2008

STARTING NOW:
Stores have to stop charging so much for patio furniture! $800 for a table and chairs? Another $500 for an umbrella and base? Are you crazy?In about 3 hours, this table is going to be covered in beer and ketchup, and my fat neighbor is going to be farting in that sling chair. So just ring the economy model up for me, please.

.

.

.

.

.

STARTING NOW:
Turn down your loud, obnoxious music at the beach. I’d like to get my friend to pass me the tanning oil, without needing Marlee Matlin’s assistance. Bottom line, I’m here to relax. If I wanted to hear all that screaming and moaning, I’d book a room at the Bunny Ranch.

.

.

.

.

.

STARTING NOW:
Will Smith has to stop releasing summer blockbuster movies where he saves the world. I Am Legend, Men in Black 1 and 2, Independence Day, and now in 2008 he’s playing a superhero in the movie HANCOCK. Enough is enough. This is the Fresh Prince of Bel Air we’re talking about; I don’t believe he could open a jar of pickles for me, let alone save humanity. Hey Will, sit back, have a hot dog, and leave the dying hard to Bruce Willis.

.

.

.

STARTING NOW:
The media has to stop trying to convince me Sarah Jessica Parker is sexy. Her clothes are hideous, her hands looks like an 82 year old womans, and I haven’t seen a face that sunken and disfigured since Michael Jackson’s Thriller video in 1982.

.

.

.

.

.

STARTING NOW:
No more summer weddings! Frankly, no one wants to go to your wedding to begin with, but sitting in a pew next to your overweight aunt Mildred, in a church with no air conditioning and no windows and no fans is UNBEARABLE. Do the world a favor, get married in October. And leave the uncomfortable sweating to the priests on Dateline’s To catch a predator.

.

.

.

facebook comment widget