STARTING NOW: week of 6/2/08

Posted by Jillian Madison on June 3, 2008

STARTING NOW:
If 3 lanes on the highway are closed down for construction, people actually need to be doing some WORK. I’m sick of being stuck in traffic for 2 hours, only to reach the construction site and see a stationary dump truck, a port-o-potty, and 2 fat guys in hard hats sitting on the curb eating a meatball grinder.

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STARTING NOW:
Women in department stores have to stop spraying me with perfume when I walk by. If I wanted to smell that bad, I’d roll around in Amy Winehouse’s dirty laundry.

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STARTING NOW:
Thin people have to stop drinking diet soda. What the hell’s the point. Your legs look like my garden hose, so go ahead and splurge on the 150-calorie soda. Order dip with your celery, too. Live a little.

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STARTING NOW:
Since the American Idol season is over, the media can now stop pretending to give a shit about David Cook. Let him go back to his life as a bartender, cleaning ashtrays and talking to his customers about their venerial diseases… and start reporting on the things that really matter, like who’s bed Shania Twain’s boots have been under.

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STARTING NOW:
People with mullets have to stop acting surprised when they get made fun of. I know you think you’re all business in the front, party in the back, but from where I’m standing, you look like your head is wrapped in remnants from a taxidermist’s trashcan.

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