STARTING NOW: week of 6/16/08

Posted by Jillian Madison on June 16, 2008

STARTING NOW:
The next time a baby stares up at me and smiles, I don’t want the parent to tell me, “Oh he’s flirting with you!” Please. He’s 4 months old. He doesn’t know if I’m an attractive woman, or a fraggle.

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STARTING NOW:
Paula Deen needs to just have a heart attack and get it over with. Sticks of butter… the deep fryer… heavy cream… and that’s just the salad. I haven’t seen that much grease since the time I let Lionel Richie borrow my pillow.

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STARTING NOW:
Ellen Degeneres needs to STOP DANCING. We get it. It might have been funny for the first 2 weeks, but it’s 5 years later, and I’m finding myself sympathizing with the grumpy old townspeople in Footloose. Somebody tell her she’s a middle aged white woman on a daytime talk show – not a backup tour dancer for the Sugarhill Gang. I haven’t seen such bad popping and locking since my Grandmother’s battle with TMJ.

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STARTING NOW:
Stop trying to cure my hiccups! It seems everyone has a cure. Swallow some sugar. Meditate. Hold my breath. Please. It doesn’t work. And just so you know, you’re not scaring me by popping out behind your chair, either. If you really wanna spook me, show me a picture of Helen Hunt’s forehead in a funhouse mirror.

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STARTING NOW:
Enough with the Guinness Book of World Records. The feats used to be interesting and newsworthy, like World’s Tallest Man or World’s Fattest Woman. But now, any moron with an accurate urine stream can earn a spot in the book. If I wanted to see someone eat a record number of Pizza Hut P’Zones, I’d spend a Saturday night with Kirstie Alley.

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