America’s Next Top Model Episode Recaps

America’s Next Top Model Episode Recap, Cycle 10 - Episode 12

May 8, 2008 – 4:34 pm

ANTM Review - Cycle 10, Episode 11
ALTERNATIVELY TITLED: PAULINA, TIME TO QUIT YOUR DAY JOB

Another week, another episode of Americas Next Top Model! I have to say, this was one of the most boring episodes ever. What genius thought we’d want to see Paulina Porizkova jumping around between bushes in the park for 20 minutes like she was an injured squirrel? Snore. I sure do hope she had some insect repellent on. Lyme Disease can be a real bitch.

The show opened with Whitney reminding us that she’s been in the bottom two for the past three weeks. She said, “Being in the bottom two is really bad!” Ah yes indeed, Whitney. You are living proof that bad things do happen. Well, you and the whole “Britney Spears reappearing on TV” fiasco… but I digress.

Tyra mail! That’s right… time for me to plug my ears and cringe. Few things are more annoying than the sound of these girls stammering over the words in unison as they’re scrolling across the ticker:

“Take….. A……. Pic…ture… Youuu… Miiighhhtt… Last… Lon…ger!” (cue cheers and shrieks 4 minutes later)

Cut to the girls arriving at a random park. After a few minutes, they spotted judge Paulina Porizkova spinning around in circles in the grass like a von Trapp child with an inner-ear imbalance. I didn’t know if I was watching ANTM, or an annoying new commercial for Claritin.

So what’s the point of all the greenery, sneezing, itchy eyes, tick infestations, and ex-supermodels? Why, it was this week’s challenge, of course. Each girl would have 5 minutes to photograph Paulina - and the winner would be chosen based on how well they worked with her, and how well the photo came out.

The next 10 minutes were some of the worst TV I have ever seen. Dominique made Paulina pose like a slut on top of a car in an old 80s Warrant music video. Fatima’s photo looked like a cheap Glamour Shot, minus a feather boa and a scathing case of contact dermatitis from their nasty unwashed rags. Anya had Paulina holding a flower to her face like the dork we all knew in 11th grade. And poor Whitney was too distracted by the smells emitting from the hot dog vendor’s cart to put any real effort in at all.

After a riveting judging sequence, Fatima was declared the winner. She screamed and shouted and jumped all around, like she was trying to get out of the way of a car being driven by Amy Winehouse at 3 AM. Her prize? 50 extra frames at the next photo shoot. And boy, would she need them.

Next, the girls met up with Jay Alexander and panel judge, Nigel Barker, for their weekly photo shoot. Jay told them this week, they’d be doing a 50s theme. Anya showed up for her shoot wearing a baggy white t-shirt and jeans, a sideways baseball cap, and a fake gold tooth. Poor foreign Anya. Someone forgot to tell her that when Jay said “50″, he was referring to the era… not the rapper. Common mistake. Carry on.

Fatima was up next, and she was horrible. She was working with a male model, so she tried to blame her poor performance on the fact that she’s “never had a boyfriend” and therefore “can’t be sexy around guys.” Right. Because she’s been a gladiator and a psychotic nurse and a matador. That’s the lamest excuse in the book. What’s next? Can’t do well in a photo shoot with a sink because she’s never installed one? Give me a break.

Meanwhile, Whitney showed up wearing a skintight leopard print dress that looked awful on her. Of course, she was posey and fake as usual. And Dominique was the reincarnation of manly Joan Crawford once again. I haven’t seen that much drag since Dennis Franz exposed his droopy ass back in ‘94.

The girls got scolded by Jay for their poor performance at the shoot. He said, “You guys need to go have a seance or something to find yourselves.” So later that night, they lit the candles and broke out the ouija board in hopes of finding enlightenment. Imagine their disappointment when the only spirit that came through was Mike Brady, desperate to talk about shirtless firemen, Chippendale’s dancers, Sam the butcher’s “meat”, and his favorite hair perm solution.

Panel time! And as Jay said, the pics from the photo shoot were horrid. Anya’s was the best of the bunch, but that’s not saying much. Whitney looked stiff, and reminded me of an NFL linebacker in a girdle. Meanwhile, Dominique WAS a transvestite in her photo, and Fatima looked like she just inhaled cinnamon or had really bad gas. Your call.

In the end, Dominique and Fatima were in the bottom two. The judges sent Dominique home.

Stay tuned for the final episode, airing next week! A winner is chosen after the girls fumble over yet another Cover Girl commercial. I’m waiting with baited breath.

America’s Next Top Model Episode Recap, Cycle 10 - Episode 11

May 1, 2008 – 2:44 am

ANTM Review - Cycle 10, Episode 11
ALTERNATIVELY TITLED: ROME WASN’T BUILT IN A DAY, BUT THIS GHETTO GLADIATOR SET WAS

The episode started off with the girls arriving at some ancient ruins. Whitney said, “We saw people killing each other and it was awesome!” In case you’re wondering about some other things Whitney finds awesome? Minefields, arsenic, guillotines, and Cheetos.

The girls then spent the next several minutes getting schooled on how to swing a sword. They were taught by the instructor of the “Gladiator School of Rome.” I don’t know what’s more disturbing… that there actually is a “Gladiator School of Rome,” or that so many perfectly usable potato sacks had to be ruined to make the girls look that stupid. In the midst of all that sword swinging, I thought I saw Captain Jack Sparrow out of the corner of my eye. Turns out it was just Miss Jay putting on eyeliner.

Next up: THE LONGEST COMMERCIAL BREAK, EVER. The CW Network ran a ridiculously long promo for their new show, “Farmer Wants a Wife.” Or as I call it, The Bachelor meets Simple Life. And who is this guy kidding? He wants a wife? I don’t think so. More like he wants a husband, a set of chartreuse curtains, and Christian Soriano’s autograph.

The girls then had a photo shoot with a “real gladiator” - and by “real gladiator,” I mean “a reject male model in a Burger King crown and a loincloth.” He just stood there, protecting himself with a shield, like he was afraid Fatima was going to mutilate HIS genitals. In the end, Whitney was declared the winner. She won 1,000 Euro ($1,500 usd) to use on a shopping trip around Rome, and opted to take Anya with her.

Ah yes. There they were… in Italy, with $1,500 to spend. So where did they go? Gucci? Dolce & Gabbana? Versace? NO! They went to a lame outdoor flea market! They left with 2 ugly blouses and furry imitation Kangol hats. Tragic. It was something out of a bad Puff Daddy video.

Next up, the girls arrived at a 600-year old castle. No, not to perform masonry repairs or detect paranormal activity in the bell tower, but for their photo shoot with Tyra Banks. Meanwhile, Mr. Jay looked like he was wearing an oversized Ugg boot half-zipped up his neck. WTF?

This photo shoot definitely wasn’t one of the best. The girls were all made up to look like Cruella DeVille. Fatima looked like an autopsy had been performed on her wig. And Katarzyna was sporting a huge, cueball-sized pearl necklace that seemed to be weighing her frail lollipop neck down.

After another 4 minute commercial for the Farmer/Wife show, it was time for panel. Sorry, Tyra, but all of your photos were HORRIBLE. They were all dark and creepy, in a scary Silent Hill sort of way. Some photos were worse than others; after checking out Katarzyna’s picture, Paulina said, “I don’t like it. The problem here is your face.” Obviously! What’s the problem supposed to be? Her inability to make a good lasagna? Whitney was staring up into the sky, like someone was dangling Toaster Strudels in front of her. She was also clutching her leg, like she was battling a charlie horse. So not flattering.

In the end, Katarzyna and Whitney were in the bottom two. Whitney had a huge attitude, and was sighing and rolling her eyes like a BRAT. But since Tyra doesn’t want to get rid of the plus-size model, Katarzyna was the one to go. Tyra told her, “Keep pushing, Katarzyna, you have it. And by “it”, she was referring to a guaranteed position at any Taco Bell location of her choosing.

And that brought another episode of ANTM to an end! Stay tuned for next week, when the girls bore Nigel (and all of us) during a photo shoot. See you then!

America’s Next Top Model Episode Recap, Cycle 10 - Episode 10

April 24, 2008 – 3:57 pm

This week, the ladies of America’s Next Top Model found themselves in Rome. Although the scenery and the weather changed, Whitney’s acne and annoying fake attitude did not. As soon as they got off the plane, Whitney was rumored to say, “Where’s Giada De Laurentiis? I need a Tuscan Turkeyburger, like, now.”

Bye-bye Fab Cab… Hello Mercedes fun bus… though I’m not exactly sure what was so “fun” about it. It was sort of like the Texas Compound up in there - all cramped and awkward and filled with women with BAD HAIR. And the seat cushions were a hideous purple pattern that, somehow, made Fatima’s acne-scarred face look even more disfigured.

Cut to a bunch of shots of the girls traipsing around Rome. However, judging from a few of the clips I saw, it didn’t look like the Rome, Italy I had always envisioned. It looked more like ROME, THE BRONX. There was ugly gang graffiti sprayed all over the buildings, there were cars and pollution cluttering up the roads, and I could have sworn I saw J Lo pissing behind a dumpster in the corner. Hey, she’s just Jenny from the Block.

In this week’s “What’s Wrong With Lauren” spotlight, Lauren sat alone in the corner on the bus listening to her Ipod before finally revealing, “I just don’t fit in with the other girls.” Cut to a shot of her changing the oil of the Mercedes Fun Bus and adjusting her balls.

Whitney chimed in by saying she could “feel the history” of Italy. Other things Whitney can feel? Her jeans digging into her waist, and the kindred spirit of Louie Anderson with every bite of her lasagna. She looked much heavier this week. I’m just saying.

The girls were then driven to their new Italian house - which was actually really nice. Fatima was too sick to be excited, so she went straight to bed. In true ANTM fashion, the girls then spent the next several minutes sitting around the table eating, drinking, and trying to figure out how to build a raft that would safely carry Fatima back to Africa and get her out of their hair once and for all - with or without a passport.

The next morning, the girls went on a tour of Rome. Not via a tourbus. Not in a limo… but ON PEOPLE MOVERS. Are those a big deal in Italy or something? Because here, they’re sort of lame, even if you’re Kevin James. Remember, turn off your cell phones during the movie, and NO TALKING.

The girls rolled up on their, uh, PEOPLE MOVERS to meet their designer, Gai Mattiolo. They tried on his dresses, walked a few paces in his showroom, and tried to get him to explain the complex intricacies of producing Extra-Virgin Olive Oil. And after spending some time with Dominique, Gai said that she “did not look fresh.” Momentarily confusing her with a pineapple, he squeezed her belly and sniffed her weave just to be sure. Yep, the verdict’s in. Not so fresh. Somebody pass this girl a douche.

In the end, Anya won the Gai Mattiolo challenge and, as a reward, will wear one of Gai’s dresses on a red carpet event. Whitney got an attitude and said, “She just won $10,000 on the last challenge, and now she wins again?” Oh shut up Whitney, I hate you. And let’s be real, you couldn’t fit into the dress even if you covered your body in Crisco and had the entire cast of the movie 300 helping you maneuver.

The next day, the girls filmed a commercial for the Cover Girl “Queen Collection.” The catch? They had to recite the script in ITALIAN. Upon learning this, the girls looked terrified. It was almost like someone asked them to do long division by hand. Somebody, anybody, get these girls some Rosetta Stone. Pronto.

Anya was the first to perform. She said, “This is so hard! I have to talk and walk and use the lipstick at the same time!” Of course that’s hard, honey. You have 8 brain cells and they’re all fighting each other.

Meanwhile, Dominique sounded Chinese, Lauren looked more awkward than Bill Maher at Kindercare, and Whitney was so disingenuous fake that she made Dolly Parton’s tits look real. She kept doing this little giggle that made me want to cram a canoli down her throat, just so she’d shut up.

In the end, the director said Fatima was the best and the judging panel agreed. During panel, Tyra Banks was talking to the girls with an “Italian” accent, though she sounded far more like Miss Cleo after taking too much Tylenol PM. “Call me now! Before I fall asleep. You have 8 minutes, starting now…”

Whitney and Lauren were the worst this week but in the end, Lauren was sent packing and Whitney was told to get real. Translation: Tyra does not want to kick “the fat girl” off the show, because she doesn’t want the bad press. So unfortunately for us, we have to tolerate Whitney’s obnoxious giggle for yet another week.

Begin rant: Look. I’m not anti-fat person or anti plus-size model. If there was a plus-size model on this show who DID NOT SUCK, I’d be singing a different tune. But Whitney’s pictures have not been good. She was, by far, the WORST actress on set of the Cover Girl commercial. Tyra and the panel have commented on her “phony attitude” week after week. And yet she’s still here? Come on. Pathetic. End rant.

Stay tuned next week, when Tyra puts ugly makeup and hideous wigs on the girls and photographs them herself. Also up, some sort of odd Gladiator photo shoot theme. In Italy. How original.

Americas Next Top Model Review - Season 10, Episode 9

April 21, 2008 – 12:28 am

Cycle 10 : Episode 9

Alternatively titled: Enough with the damn “traveling papers” already!

Ah yes, another week, another episode of America’s Next Top Model! The episode started off with the girls sitting around the table eating and complaining. Frankly, I’m not sure Tyra should let the girls be filmed without makeup anymore. They looked AWFUL. Forget Cover Girl, it’s more like COVER UP, GIRL.

Without the caked-on Revlon, most of them look like my uncle Dan before he had his facial boils removed. Dominique is the worst. They showed an up-close picture of the bumps and scars on her face and I shrieked in horror. I’m quite sure that somewhere in the world, Judith Light clutched her hand to her chest and collapsed.

The runner up is Fatima, who, without makeup, looks like her face came under heavy sniper fire in Bosnia. And lets not forget Whitney without her contacts - someone send an APB out to Larry King because I have found his missing oversized black glasses.

Cut to the girls buzzing about travling abroad. Dominique said, “Ooh, I wonder where we’re going and what our grocery list will be like there!” Uh, you’re a bunch of models. Your grocery list will be cigarettes and grapefruits. Any questions?

Next came one of tonight’s many “Crying Fatima Shots.” Turns out Fats lost her travel documents and was panicking like Jamie Lee Curtis after her grocery store ran out of Activia. Wait, actually, I’m confused. Isn’t this AMERICA’S Next Top Model? Fatima isn’t even an American citizen! And what about Katarznya and Anya, those two barely have a grasp of the English language. I feel duped. Bygones.

Cue more shots of Fatima crying, making this seem more like a Sally Struthers Starving Children in Africa fundraiser than an episode of America’s Next Top Model.

After the commercial break, we were treated to Julia Child… oops, I mean Lauren… in the kitchen performing slicing and dicing maneuvers on an onion like she was Edward Scissorhands. Her knife slipped and she nicked the top of her thumb off. I can just see the US Weekly headline now: “Angsty awkward model goes crazy with Santuko knife! Hide your children, save yourself!”

After Lauren’s short stint at the ER, she came back to the house with her thumb all bundled up like Randy Parker from A Christmas Story during recess. Ah, just in time for Paulina to show up and give the girls pointers on how to impress people with their personalities. Paulina said, “When you are around people, it’s very important to converse with them.” How helpful, Paulina, thanks so much. What’s lesson #2? When on the toilet, it’s very important to wipe before getting up?

After the challenge the girls received a box full of lemons and limes, a poster of some 7-UP soda, and a note stating that their presence was required at a green carpet event where they’d be wearing Jay Godfrey’s clothing. Um, who?

(CUE CRICKETS CHIRPING) Cut to the girls at the lamest “fake publicity” event ever. It was being held in what seemed to be a local mall with escalators, and the whole thing just looked like a bad SNL skit. There were 4 fake paparazzis there snapping photos of them, and there was a cheesy partition behind the girls with some 7-UP logos stenciled on it. It looked like my 4th grade art teacher was set loose with some markers and scotch tape. It was poorly done and so ghetto, to say the least.

The girls were then interviewed, and Dominique stated that she was wearing “Jay Giorgio.” She forgot the name of her designer. That’s a major “whoopsie.” Her other favorite designers? Rudy Lauren and Frank Hilfiger.

Meanwhile, Whitney, the plus size model, looked like she was wearing the loft’s shower curtain.

The girls then went to the lamest meet and mingle party in history - the biggest name there was RIC OCASEK (if you’re saying “Who?!” you just proved my point!) The girls were graded on who was the best conversationalist, and Anya won. She scored a 7-up photoshoot and a $10,000 check. Good, now maybe she can buy some Rosetta Stone and finally master the English language, since she’s on AMERICAS Next Top Model and all.

Roll a ghastly Cover Girl commercial of ANTM cycle 9 winner, Syesha Mercado. Sounds like she still can’t learn her lines. I’m sad to report hooked on phonics did not work for her.

The girls got some Tyra-Mail, telling them to pack their bags and get into the Fab Cab. They thought they were going be traveling abroad, but instead, they rolled up to a photo shoot with Jay. The girls had to use the plane and their own luggage as a prop.

Most of the girls performed poorly. Dominique looked so much like Joan Crawford that I was expecting her to pul a wire hanger out of her ass and start beating someone with it. Lauren looked like she needed to be tested for scoliosis, and Anya looked like she was trying to VOGUE her way onto the plane. Bad shots all around. Let me tell you, I’ve seen better pictures in broke-down wooden frames on the employee wall at Wal-Mart. And where was Fatima? TRYING TO GET HER “TRAVELING PAPERS.” For the love of all that’s good and holy, someone give her these papers so she will shut up and stop talking about them!

Fatima rolled up just in time for the judging panel, but she didn’t have a photograph since she wasn’t able to take part in the shoot. In the end, Stacey Ann and Fatima were in the bottom two, but the judges decided Fatima should stay because she had a stronger body of work in the past. Sorry, Stacey Ann, you plateaued like the Counting Crows career, and you’re done!

Stay tuned for next week, when the girls are headed to ROME. Fatima is sick with a fever, and the girls have to shoot a Cover Girl commercial… in Italian. Whitney already has a jar of Ragu in her hand. Oh, the joy.