EPISODE #304 - DOVE SOAP

Tonight's challenge was to create a television commercial for Dove's newest product, Cool Moisture Liquid Soap. Sounds easy enough, right? Find some dirty people, capture some slow-mo footage of them lathering their faces, make a generic reference to a waterfall or a field of flowers, and be done with it? Ah, but think again.

The teams had access to everything they'd need to make a movie. Think of it sort of like the Apprentice's own little Iron Chef stage, without tasty edibles being produced as a result, and Donny Deutsch replacing that bitter Chinese fortune teller as the judge.

Dove Soap. They've spent decades showing us baby's asses and fresh dewy meadows, just to make it crystal clear they want their soaps to be perceived as pure and wholesome. That's why I think Magna really captured the essence of the product when they made their commercial about... A HOMOSEXUAL CHEF AND SEX WITH A CUCUMBER.

Basically, a male and female chef are seen seductively washing a phallic cucumber in a sink. They were going to town on the thing, like they were on set of Ron Jeremy's latest porno, "Glad-He-Ate-Her" (and no, that's not a real porno... yet.) But in the end, a twist! The male chef is gay! He walked off the set... with one hand clutching his boyfriend's ass and the other gripping a bottle of Dove Soap, leaving the woman all alone in some storage room with nothing but her cucumber and several Costco-sized vats of Heinz Ketchup to keep her company. I was so confused. What the hell was the message there? "Dove Soap... more fun than hetero sex! Gentle enough to use on your boyfriend's scrotum!"

Then, to make matters worse, Magna showed up to meet Donny Deutsch wearing chef's uniforms. Donny told them they looked like idiots and made them take off their chef hats. And somewhere in America, Chef Boyardee shed a tear and made a mental note to show up in jeans and a blazer if he ever were to use Deutsch Advertising to peddle his Beefaroni.

Net Worth didn't do much better. These geniuses made a commercial about a sweaty guy running a marathon, who made a pitstop to throw Dove soap on his face. He then wiped the soap off with a towel... using no water... leaving sticky, nasty soap residue all over his face. Mmm, how refreshing. Forget a Power Bar, there's nothing like some soap scum to really get you through that last 3 mile hump.

There was no winner tonight, and for the first time in the history of The Apprentice, both teams were brought into the boardroom. Coincidentally, it also marked the first episode where the receptionist was finally able to utter her one line, "You can go in now," without needing multiple takes.

In the end, Kristen was ultimately fired from Net Worth because she wasn't a good leader. That, and she was a friggin' idiot.

In the final, exciting clip of the night, Trump introduced the REAL Dove Soap commercial. No, they didn't go with the porno or the marathon. Instead, they chose to showcase the ease with which Dove Cool Moisture could remove caked-on makeup from the faces of showgirls, old hags, and swine muppets.

Stay tuned for next week!