Dear Mr. “IT” Tech Support Guy.

Published on: July 2, 2008 – 1:53 pm - Submitted by Michelle

Few people at work are more annoying and useless than the IT guy. Hired to make “all things tech” run smoothly in the office, they normally end up screwing things up worse for you.

Dear MR. “IT” Tech Support Guy:

1) Don’t talk to me like I am an idiot. Just because some of my co-workers are computer clueless, doesn’t mean we all are. I’m not the one walking around with two lbs of gel in my hair, and a headset connected to nothing. I’d be willing to bet the most you know about the internet is that you can order virtual chinese sex for $14.99

2) Don’t barge in to see me unless I ring for you, and if you need to come in contact with me - a warning would be nice. Popping in unannounced and attacking my keyboard like a ravenous opossum won’t earn you brownie points with me. And the next time you erase something I’m currently working on, you’ll be sent home to take a sick day.

Thank you Mr. IT guy, that is all … for now.

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Blocked Websites.

Published on: June 30, 2008 – 4:22 pm - Submitted by Michelle

It’s getting out of hand. First offices were were blocking, movies, music, and gaming websites - but now it’s anything that can be categorized into entertainment. Why not just take the internet away entirely? And while we are at it, get rid of the computer and give us all abacuses. There have been times when I have been trying to access something, for work, and it still comes up as a blacklisted website. But there is an answer, get yourself a a proxy bypass, no it’s not an operation, it’s a viewer which will allow you to circumvent your employer’s Mommy Dearest hand, and get your sanity back.

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Mandatory Meetings!

Published on: June 27, 2008 – 11:51 am - Submitted by Michelle

Mandatory meetings suck! Here’s why. You’d think with the whole - All employees MUST attend thing that the context of a mandatory meeting would be some groundbreaking must hear information..

Quite the contrary.

How many times do workers need to be forced into a boardroom just just to discuss Friday’s pizza party, or who is stealing pens from the office? Mandatory meetings are one notch above a kid’s meeting at a treehouse. Stop wasting time office coordinators, the next time a meeting is mandatory, someone’s life better be on the line.. or at least the life of their dog. Something. 

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Lions. and Tigers. and Gossip. OH MY!

Published on: June 26, 2008 – 10:41 am - Submitted by Michelle

One of the most annoying things about working is having to deal with the office gossip director. That one person who thinks they are an expert on everything that goes on in your co-worker’s  lives - and feels the need to share it with you.

I don’t care that Mark in accounting just had a baby that looks ‘too chunky’, or how Fritz the mailboy has a crush on you. These loud and obnoxious gossip Queens never take a day off. To them, casual Friday doesn’t mean comfortable clothing, it offers a special opportunity to spread rumors about where Carol is getting all the extra money to buy designer sandals. Zip it gossip train!

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Stop-it with the Post its!

Published on: June 25, 2008 – 4:07 pm - Submitted by Michelle

What’s with the people who insist on only communicating through post-it notes? Apparently dropping me an e-mail or walking over to me is too scary! The thing is, Post-its suck, the sticky back never works, so I just end up finding 300 tiny yellow papers all over the floor. It looks like a bad crime scene.. and now I not only have to decipher the post-it order code, I also have to clean up after your timid ass. It’s time consuming.

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YOUR LUNCH SMELLS. Love, your co-workers.

Published on: May 12, 2008 – 12:18 am - Submitted by brie

Dear self-important people smelling up the office with your nasty lunches and snacks,

What malfunction in your tiny brain made you think it’d be okay to to reheat your Red Lobster seafood medley in a tightly enclosed community environment with little to no ventilation? Are you clinically retarded? Thanks to you, the entire office smells like shrimp scampi that’s been rotting in the sun for 9 days.

To make matters worse, thanks to the rancid stench you’ve left behind, Ted in accounting left early with hives, and I can’t even use the microwave to heat a bagel without it coming out tasting like a fisherman’s armpit.

And here’s a quick rule of thumb when it comes to snacktime: if you’re too much of a moron to cook microwave popcorn without burning it, you should do the rest of us a favor and kill yourself as quickly as possible. Do you know how awful popcorn smells after it’s been burned? Or is your head too far up your ass to smell anything but the 4-day old Lo-Mein you stunk up the office with yesterday?

Finally, why do you slobs have to leave such a huge mess in the kitchen? I’ve seen splattered beef chili all over the microwave, burnt cheese drippings soiling the toaster oven, and brown bags leaking unidentified juices in the fridge. And that’s at 10 am. By 10:30, the gas-mask is no longer optional.

FIVE WORDS: YOUR LUNCH REEKS, YOU ASSHOLE.

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Death To Office Money Collections!

Published on: April 28, 2008 – 1:57 am - Submitted by brie

Every time I turn around, someone at my workplace is starting a collection for a fellow co-worker. I’m here to say - ENOUGH! I’m sick and tired of co-workers being sick and tired - and needing compensation for it. I’m fed up up with my hard earned, cold hard cash going to retiring secretaries, janitors with paper cuts, and the lunchlady’s kids’ Barbie doll fund.

I cringe every time that overstuffed manila envelope lands on my desk. Instead of smiling and reaching for my wallet, all I feel like doing is screaming, “LEAVE ME ALONE! Don’t you know I’m underpaid for my skills? This is the 3rd time this week you’re hitting me up for money!” Back off, people. Stop acting like you just saw Ed McMahon roll up to my cube with balloons.

What office etiquette handbook states I have to chip in? Who gets to decide what criteria have to be met in order for it to be collection-worthy? Oh, Dorothy in personnel just stubbed her toe? Quick, hide in the bathroom, because shortly, someone will be asking you for a five dollar bill. I surely don’t want to seem cheap, but do I have to go for broke?

Why should I have to contribute to Kelly’s wrist surgery, Tony’s third marriage honeymoon trip to Jamaica, or Margie’s corn removal surgery? Can’t we all just split a $10 bouquet of flowers from the grocery store? And you know what? My elbow hurts! Where’s my fund?

Bottom line: these office collections are out of control. If I gave every time people asked me to, I’d need a collection started in my honor, just so I could afford to eat lunch. The overnight maid sprained her wrist while mopping the floor? Not my problem! Wrap that puppy up and get back to work like the rest of us!

5 WORDS: MY MONEY. GET YOUR OWN.

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STOP FORWARDING ME LAME E-MAILS!

Published on: April 23, 2008 – 7:12 pm - Submitted by brie

I’ve had enough of these stupid FORWARDS in my e-mail box!

Please. Don’t even think about forwarding that chain email to me. Resist that magnetic force akin to Angelina Jolie’s adoption obsession, and just don’t do it. The email you’re about to forward to me is not funny. It is not cute. And it is not sad in the slightest. IT’S ACTUALLY OBNOXIOUS!

• The atrocious grammatical and spelling errors that plague most e-mail forwards drive me buggy. It only furthers my ideal that 95% of Americans can’t spell.
• I don’t appreciate 9 pages of e-mail addresses and the “This email has been checked for viruses” footers that I have to scroll through just to get to the body. Cut to the chase here people! 1,200 Cats died? Ok fine. I can save victims of toxic shock syndrome? Great! How about I just mail you a blank check once a week, it would be faster, and much less annoying.
• If I have to see another “LOL :)” reply from PattyO@ScrantonMetals.com I might just “REPLY TO ALL” with the most horrific trojan virus you have ever seen. Since when have middle aged women become teeny boppers? Did the “interweb” do this to them? LOLZ, giggelz!!! ;) J/K!!!
• The glittery angels and moving baby “gifs” aren’t modern or cool. They’re cheesy clip-art, circa 1992 Print Shop.

I’m sick of these photos of “God’s Hands” or “Virgin Mary’s face” in the clouds. Guess what - these aren’t miracles of God. These images were created by an obese sociopath who sat naked, sweating on his futon, for the last 8 hours so he could perfect it for YOUR FORWARD.

I hate to break it to you but if you forward that email to 10 of your

closest friends, your phone isn’t going to ring, you won’t die in 13 minutes, you won’t hit the lottery, you won’t live till you’re 100, and you wont be saving little Dottie from an incurable disease. You’ll just be annoying 85% of your co-workers, thus guaranteeing that you’ll be sitting alone at the next fun office Christmas party.

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Office Nail Clipping - STOP IT!

Published on: April 21, 2008 – 6:22 pm - Submitted by brie

Let me be blunt -

To those of you who clip your nails in the office: for the love of all that’s good and holy, STOP DOING SO. IMMEDIATELY.

I was under the impression that civilized people would have enough common sense and/or consideration for other human beings to realize that nail clipping in public is vile, but apparently not. There are several “office nail clippers” in my office alone, so I know there have to be others out there.

There is a time and a place for nail clipping, people! Since some of you seem to be having a hard time with this concept, let me send you the official “Pophangover Nail Clipping 101″ memo. Please consult it as needed and abide by these easy-to-use rules:

In the privacy of your own home? Yes.
On the phone with a client at work: NOT SO MUCH.

In your shower or in your bathroom: Sure
While Ruth, the cafeteria lunch lady, is pouring you a cup of tomato bisque: NOT SO MUCH.

Alone in your car: Semi-disgusting, but sure, go ahead.
While in your cubicle, with dozens of innocent coworkers in your immediate vicinity: NO NO NO NO

Not only is the sound of nail clipping grating, but there is also a very high probability of a NAIL FLY-AWAY. Have you ever had a bit of someone else’s dirty fingernail hit you in the arm or land on your desk? I HAVE. And it’s equally as disturbing as someone throwing up on your foot. It is revolting.

So please, office workers, step away from the cuticle removers and the precision nail clippers. There are other people here. And though you think the world revolves around you, it doesn’t.

FIVE WORDS: BUY YOURSELF A SCRATCHING POST!

Clip Clip,
Brie

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