MICHELLE:  These days MTV is far worse than VH1. Just look at their most popular show, Newlyweds. How many times a week can Jessica attempting to cook dinner be entertaining?

Nick: "Get out of the way Jess, I'm tired. Driving around town and doing nothing all day with my far-less-talented midget brother was stressful."

Jessica: "But babywaby, look, I cooked for you, all day long! Is something burning? I have to fart."

Nick: "Babe, you have to take the pasta out of the box before you boil it!"

Jessica: "Whoopsie. Here, I bought you this diamond studded Rolex."

If I wanted to watch people screw up perfectly good meals, I'd make "Happy Face pizzas" with the Special Ed kids.



JILL: You MUST be joking, right? VH1 is far more lame than MTV.  Their slogan is "Music First." Please. I haven't seen a video on that channel since Patrick Swayze had a hit movie. And Michelle, while it's true Jessica Simpson has more air in her head than in her Mercedes' tires, at least the show is entertaining and it's fun to laugh at her. What does VH1 have to offer up? Oooh, another revealing episode of Behind The Music. You'll never believe this week's episode... every member of Motley Crue (gasp) DID DRUGS! Please. I was more shocked when Rosie O'Donnell revealed she was gay.


MICHELLE: So what about MTV and their retarded need to run "Battle of the Sexes" marathons every day? What the hell is wrong with the people on that show anyway? Watching 32 year olds trying to act 18 and competing to win Spring Break money got old long before Eric Nies. Let alone the host, Jonny Mosely. He's two brain cells away from being mistaken for a pack of frozen corn at the supermarket. And shaaaahh... for your duuude next tubluar prize... you will win a most excellent gift certificate to pottery barn! Stellar!"


JILL: I have four words: "I LOVE THE 80s."  Every time I flip by VH1 I have to hear Mo Rocca's obnoxious Cindy Brady lispy voice making fun of a John Hughes movie. Hey, I have a question, how many second rate celebrities does it take until someone finally comes up with one funny comment about a Marky Mark video?  It's so retarded and redundant. A bunch of rejects sitting in front of a blue screen reminiscing about 1982. "Hey, remember My Little Ponies? Me too!"


MICHELLE: It's like this. Marky Mark sucks. Don't hate the channel, hate the man. And now I have to mention "Made" - perhaps the most transparent show on MTV. Why don't they just call it what it really is: "Exploitation of the biggest losers we could find in American High Schools."

THIS WEEK ON MADE: "Hi, I'm Suzy, I'm 314 lbs, I have bad acne and braces, and I want to be made into Prom Queen!" That's right kids, watch Suzy's exciting battle as she works out for 2 weeks with her Made coach, visits a self esteem specialist for 15 minutes, and shops for a dress. Emotions fly high when Macy's doesn't sell in her size! Will she crumble and give up, or push on to win the competition and the Quarterback's heart? Find out this week on.. MADE!


JILL: Once again, it's entertaining! What's NOT entertaining is VH1's "Celebrity Fit Club."  These VH1 exec's are so lame. Someone actually thought people would want to see 8 second-rate celebrities try to lose weight? And the "celebrities" are really the lowest of the low. I understand there may not be many  "fat" celebrities, but how desperate were they when they cast the friggin' SNAPPLE LADY? What's wrong, was Sha-Nay-Nay from the Pine Sol commercial too busy? Give me a break. I can hardly contain myself. Gee, I can't wait to tune in next week to see how much Ralphie May sweats while doing one push-up.


MICHELLE: And what about Room Raiders. It's the same thing over and over once again. "Oh my god, who put those underwear in my drawer!" Or how about the dreaded black light they run over the bed that reveals "bodily" fluids. What is this... FBI Files on the Discovery Channel? Half the time I'm expecting some second rate reinactment actor to walk onto the set with some luminal in one hand and a fingerprint duster in the other.


JILL: Whatever. Dirty sheets don't scare me nearly as much as the sight of Bridget Nielson licking Flava Flav's earlobes. VH1's Surreal Life is grating on the nerves. There's nothing more painful than watching a bunch of has-been's cohabitate. And frankly, I could have gone to my grave without being made aware of Jordan Knight's bedtime habits, thank you very much. Hey, don't forget to tune in next week for the show's exclusive footage of Mini-Me caught on tape attempting to steal Peter Brady's comb!

Who do YOU agree with? Let us know!