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THE POOL -vs- THE BEACH
MICHELLE: My choice is clear: POOLS. The beach just isn’t the best option for summer R&R.
With a pool, you have the privacy of your own backyard. Who wants to be stared at by the
entire cast of Monster Garage every time you apply your suntan lotion? And even then, once the lotion has been applied,
after one small gust of wind there's more sand on your body than under Bin Laden's turban. Not fun.
JILL: Big deal, people stare at the beach. Don't you ever listen to Madonna?
It's human nature! At least at the beach you don't have to do manual labor like you're at a
Kathie Lee sweatshop in Mexico City. Strain, vacuum, clean filter. If I wanted to do housework, I'd go
work for the Brady's.
MICHELLE: Manual labor? At least you can be assured your pool is clean... unlike the beach,
where you're likely to find more used needles than in Tommy Lee's basement. Plus, it’s
not only who is staring at you that can be problematic. It’s also who you are forced to look at...
like the hairy guy who looks like a post-Teen Wolf Michael J. Fox, digging
sand out of his crotch. Or perhaps the family of fatties who doesn't need SPF because they have mastered the art of
using their own bodies to effectively shield the sun from each other. That’s always entertaining.
JILL: Hey, at least there is a constant change of scenery with a vast array of things to stare at,
instead of the same old
view of your 64 year old neighbor's underwear flapping away on the clothes line next door. And
for the record, I liked Teen Wolf. Wish I could dunk like that.
MICHELLE: The beach not only stinks like a bad egg salad sandwich from Mel's Dinner,
but it can also be pretty loud. And frankly, I just don’t enjoy listening to classic rock blasting out of
a circling IROC with Jersey plates.
JILL: Well if the beach smells so bad, then why would Kramer want to bottle and market
the scent? At least you can swim at the beach without coming out smelling like the fetal pig you
dissected in 8th grade bio.
MICHELLE: Yeah, so maybe a pool smells like chlorine, who cares.
At least you don't feel like an oversalted McDonalds french fry after a dip in a pool. And also,
in a pool, you can regulate the temperature of
the water. But, even if it’s 85 degrees out, the ocean always seems to be colder than Mommy Dearest
in a closet full of wire hangers. What gives?
JILL: Pools are just boring. Ooh, let's walk around the pool really fast and make
a whirlpool! There aren't even any waves! At the beach, it's almost as if an entire Fat Camp is doing constant cannonballs
somewhere way out in the distance. Good times.
MICHELLE: Boring? No way! With a pool, you have slides, diving boards, and basketball nets.
But at the beach, you have jelly fish, crabs,
and sharp rocks. And what about the bugs? There aren’t just regular flies there... those sand-flies eat their Wheaties.
JILL: Yeah, you'll find diving boards and slides at some pools. But
you'll also find more residual urine than in little Mitsy's litter box. And at least the bugs at the beach are ALIVE.
Nothing is grosser than accidentally swimming into a random insect wing, or a half-rotted chlorinated moth carcass.
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