BANNING: Limited Edition CBS Television Show Ipods

Published on: July 30, 2008 – 12:22 pm - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: hideous CBS TV show artwork and promotional logos from being etched on iPods. This trend is just too tacky for words.

You see, the CBS TV store is now selling “limited edition” iPods with etched pictures from shows like The Horse Whisperer, CSI, Survivor, Amazing Race, and yes… even Beverly Hills 90210. Frankly, it’s the dumbest idea to come out of CBS since they greenlit “Baby Bob” in 2003.

It’s one thing to watch CSI, but it’s totally another to want David Caruso’s wrinkled face forever emblazoned on your iPod. If you purchase one of these little numbers, you might as well take advantage of the free personalization and write “I HAVE NO LIFE” on your iPod as well.

And the prices? Forget about it! They want $219 for the 4GB ipod nano and $269 for the 8GB ipod nano (normally $149 and $199, respectively - so that’s an additional $70 each!)

There are only 2,000 of each available! So hurry over to the CBS store and get ready to stand out from the crowd… in a “I have 30 cats and no friends” sort of way.

(bah nah nah nah, bah nah nah nah, LAME LAME)

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FANNING: Nike Shox Cog iD Custom Sneakers

Published on: July 29, 2008 – 6:04 pm - Submitted by Jill

I am Fanning: Nike Shox iD custom sneakers. These things are hot. They come in mens and womens sizing, and you get to pick your own colors so your sneakers will look just the way you want ‘em to.

Sure, they’re a bit pricy at $115, but considering the butt-ugly 80s selection in stores these days, it’s worth a few extra dollars to have a pair of sneakers that don’t look like they were borrowed from Punky Brewster’s closet.

And no, they’re not made by Chinese babies in sweat shops. They’re all at least 9 years old. KIDDING! They’re 8.

Check out this hot little number that I just designed over at Nike, or go design your own:

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BANNING: Store Credit Cards

Published on: July 29, 2008 – 4:59 pm - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: Store credit cards.

More specifically, I’m banning cashiers from asking me to sign up for one when I’m purchasing TWO DOLLAR’S WORTH OF MERCHANDISE.

Has this happened to you? You’re shopping in Target. You’ve carefully picked out 1 candy bar and some soft boxers to sleep in. You take your items to the front to check out. And inevitably, the cashier asks you, “Would you like to open a Target credit card today? Come on! Do it! You’ll save EIGHTEEN CENTS on your order!”

Me: NO! I DON’T WANT TO OPEN A CREDIT CARD TO SAVE FIFTY-EIGHT CENTS! How ridiculous! Are you a moron?!

All the stores seem to be doing this lately. It doesn’t matter if I’m purchasing a $3 bottle of glue at Home Depot, or a $2 washcloth at Linens N Things… someone is always trying to cram a credit card application up my ass. Enough already! Stop the insanity!

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STOP CALLING ME MA’AM: a rant

Published on: July 29, 2008 – 2:55 pm - Submitted by Jill

For the love of all that’s good and holy, STOP MA’AMing ME! In fact, I am banning the ma’aming of people under 60, effective immediately.

I’m not Betty White. I can’t list 3 songs by Frankie Valli. Candy bars never “cost just a nickel” in my lifetime. When it comes to shoes, it’s still fashion over comfort. My underwear are hot… and they fit me. I don’t take 45 seconds to pull into a parking space, or 90 seconds to back out of one. WTF is a flying nun?

I don’t buy CDs at Starbucks. My generation is represented by a single letter. I don’t misplace my car keys or glasses. When I’m sleeping, no one thinks I might be dead. I’ve never donated to PBS. I don’t own a metal detector. I see no point in bowling without beer. I’m well aware of when Taco Bell closes. I don’t call hair salons “Beauty Parlors.” I don’t need Boniva… and my haircut doesn’t make my head look like a q-tip.

So please, people of the world, save the MA’AMing crap for Sally Field, Betty White, and my grandmother.

Thank you,
Mgmt.

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BANNING: Bath and Body Works

Published on: July 29, 2008 – 11:32 am - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: Bath and Body Works. I hate that place, and I’d like to see it abolished from every mall across America. If they didn’t charge a laughable $7 to ship ONE container of C.O. Bigelow lip balm via their website, I’d never step foot in their hellish stores again.

What’s so bad about the place?

1. There are always 3 bitches in aprons circling the perimeter at all times (I think they might have military training). You can’t even take one step through the door before two of ‘em borderline tackle you to the ground in an attempt to get you to sample some new, nasty smelling lotion. I’m buying a lip balm… not a Ferrari… so back off. And if your stupid manager tells you that you have to greet people, say hi and smile pretty and then return to your corner to sort soaps.

2. They have 5 million fragrances, yet somehow, only 4 of them smell decent. The others cause instantaneous migraines and/or vomiting. The mixing and mingling of all of these strong, vile scents in one tiny location is too much to handle. The joint smells worse than a gas station restroom off the Las Vegas strip.

3. Lame sales and promotions. “Buy 18 hand sanitizers and get the last 2 free!”

4. Where do they find their cashiers? Is there some centralized Bath and Body Works School for the Handicapped and Mentally Retarded that I’m unaware of? It takes these women far too long to ring up one purchase. I could literally fly to Japan, hand-pick herbs, find a sumo wrestler, have him crush them for me, and then return home with my own lip balm - before the idiot behind the register has even found the UPC bar code to scan.

5. Before you go, the cashiers always scream and yell and make a HUGE ordeal about the coupon they’re slipping into your bag. Hi, do you want a fucking bullhorn? I don’t think the people downstairs in Radio Shack quite heard you. Thanks, you killed a tree to give me a coupon I’ll never use. Do you want a cookie?

Bottom line: annoying salespeople, horrid icky smells, dumb sales, clueless cashiers… that’s a BAN in my book.

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BANNING: Carnivals

Published on: July 25, 2008 – 7:44 pm - Submitted by Michelle

Yes, it’s that time of year again - grand ole summer. Birds are chirping, flowers are in full bloom, in the hopes that it will help him score, little Johnny is trying to win Denise a velvet teddy bear at the neighborhood carnival. No, not Ruben Studdard. But an actual bear. Made of velvet. Ok, Let’s move on.

Have you ever noticed that the real low-budget carnivals are always held at churches? I guess even the people who run the damn things realize you are going to need a prayer if you plan on surviving their rickety rides. A word to the brave people who attend these shin-digs: it’s usually not a good sign if the person running the ride mutters ten Hail Mary’s and hands you a strand of rosary beads as they’re strapping you in.

How about those old rides that need a makeover even more desperately than your co-worker Ruth? No matter which carnival I go to, I always see the same ride with the enormous spray painted picture of Jon Bon Jovi in all his big hair glory on the side. You could be on the other side of town, but you still wouldn’t be able to escape the sounds of 80’s hair band rock emitting from that ride.

Worst of all, is it just me, or do the people who operate the rides at carnivals think they are one step below a God? They annoy me, standing there in their sky blue jumpsuits and big sunglasses that look like they were ripped off one of the cops from Chips. They seem to think that because they have the ability to control when little painted umbrellas will begin to whimsically rotate around that they have been blessed with the power to alter destiny or something. Sorry, but I refuse to bow down to someone whose daily responsibilities include flipping switches, fastening seatbelts, and wiping up barf in the Gravitron ride.

If the greasy sausage and pepper grinder you wolfed down for dinner didn’t upset your stomach, then the game tents surely will. It never fails. You see a big, plush stuffed animal hanging up in the front, so you play to try and win it. But fifty dollars and forty-five minutes later when you’ve finally gotten the damn frog COMPLETELY into the lily pad, excitement quickly turns to anger as you watch the game attendant pull out a one inch stuffed lima bean from below the counter and hand it to you. Posers.

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BANNING: Olympians Advertising For McDonalds

Published on: July 25, 2008 – 3:55 pm - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: Olympic athletes from advertising for McDonalds. Give me a break. These are supposed to be people at the peak of physical perfection - representing our country in the world’s biggest competition - and McDonalds has them bragging that they’re regularly chowing down on some of the unhealthiest foods on the planet? No wonder the rest of the world thinks we’re a bunch of fat pigs!

I grabbed a McDonalds burger for lunch, and was shocked by what I saw on the side of the bag. It was a grainy, digitized photo of Olympian swimmer Ryan Lochte, declaring that he eats McDonalds for “breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

Apparently, he wasn’t kidding. Lochte arrived in Athens for the 2004 summer Olympics weighing in at 181 pounds, and left tipping the scales 194 pounds, thanks to his inability to control himself at the all you can eat McDonalds restaurant in the athletes’ village. That’s sad. Keep it up, Ryan, and the only gold you’ll be winning is the star from the head counselor at your fat camp.

Is weight gain what he’s talking about in his motto on the McDonalds bag: GO BIG OR GO HOME? He gained 13 pounds in Athens… is that big enough?

“Don’t eat McDonald’s every day for seven straight days,” said Ryan, while trying to cram his flabby McDonalds ass into his tiny Speedo. Who the hell is he, Morgan Spurlock?

Ryan is also quoted on the McDonalds website as saying, “the best part of the Olympics is the all-you-can-eat McDonalds!” Really? MCDONALDS the best part of the Olympics? The hours of training… the blood, sweat, and tears… all for some free dollar menu items? Unreal. Either the Hamburgler is slipping him cash under the diving board, or Ryan Lochte is the biggest moron at the Olympic games.

His coach, Gregg Troy, responded by saying, “his diet is not one of his strong points.” No shit. What I want to know is this: what sort of coach would tolerate their pupil shoving their face with McDonalds every day for seven days… WHILE COMPETING? And what sort of message is that sending to the children? “Sure, little Johnny, you can eat those fries instead of your spinach and grow up to be big and strong just like Ryan Lochte!

Why is there even an “all you can eat” McDonalds buffet in the ATHLETES’ VILLAGE to begin with? I think I smell a plot orchestrated by the Russians, to gain a competitive edge over the Americans who can’t control their fast food urges.

Here’s a close-up of the actual photo McDonalds used, versus the digitized photo on the bag. They captured his nose perfectly, but where’s the double chin from all the Micky D’s? Maybe this was taken on day one.

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BANNING: HIGH FIVING

Published on: July 20, 2008 – 12:42 am - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: High fiving. It needs to be done.

Everyone who knows me knows I hate high fiving! I think it’s the single dorkiest thing you can do with someone, short of getting together to memorize the list of the 28 prepositions that govern the accusative case in Latin.

Sometimes I feel so alone in my anti-high-five world, because it is everywhere. Old people high five. Young people high five. People mistakingly think they’re cute when they try to make their babies and pets high five. And while researching this article, I even saw hundreds of people high fiving inanimate objects like stuffed animals and garbage cans… not to mention the parade of total losers who were left hanging because other cooler people refused to high five them back.

Perhaps the worst offender of all is the “High Fiving Bowler.” You know, the ones who are more eager to slap your hand than then Sunday School nun you pissed off in 2nd grade. You get a strike, they want a high five. You picked up that 8 pin, they want a high five. You throw two gutter balls, they want a “nice try” high five. Enough! If you must, offer one congratulatory high five at the end of the match, and the go back home to your 11 cats and your new copy of “So Ya Wanna Make Friends - For Dummies.”

Not only is high fiving stupid looking, but it’s also dangerous! Atlanta Braves outfielder Terry Harper actually separated a shoulder after high fiving a teammate! And low five’s, the even more annoying cousin of the hi five’s, have also been known to cause bleeding in the brain, kidney stones, dyspepsia, runny nose, and genital warts.

Bottom line: high fiving is completely pointless, and no matter who you are, it makes you look like a complete assclown. So the next time a co-worker or a friend tries to hi five you, do the world a favor and punch them in the gut. They’ll get the message and you’ll get to walk away with your dignity.

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Hormel Compleats Homestyle Beef Meal: The Verdict

Published on: July 17, 2008 – 12:30 am - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: Hormel Compleats microwavable meals… specifically, the “homestyle beef” variety. How bad was it? I’ll put it to you this way: I cooked it over a week ago, and the pungent stench that it left behind in my kitchen still lingers in the folds of my memory, and haunts my sleep in the night.

At first, I was quite excited by the premise of the Hormel Compleat. “Wow,” I thought. “A 90 second meal that is low in calories… AND has a clever name!” Ah, I was so young and naive then. My excitement started dwindling as soon as I started struggling with the packaging. The actual plastic food bowl is encased in a thick cardboard that is really hard to remove. And after giving the product a second look, I couldn’t help but wonder just how many preservatives it takes for a meat product to NOT REQUIRE REFRIGERATION (the shelf life of a Hormel Compleat seems to be around 8-10 months).

The directions on the package told me to poke a hole in the plastic film, and I complied. Honestly, I hardly got the knife out of the container before THE STENCH started filling the air. I had no idea such a putrid, rotten, intense smell could emit from such a tiny hole.

I took a deep breath, and proceeded. Hormel is insistant the meal will be “complete” in 90 seconds - however, that must only be true if you’re on the core of the sun. I had to cook mine for 3+ minutes. And here’s where it got really scary - I removed the film entirely, revealing a murky, grainy pool of gravy and a portion of mashed potatoes that literally looked like the brain of an unidentified farm animal. The potatoes were dry and thick and the overall presentation was like “an english muffin sitting on top of a brown cesspool.” Even worse, once you try to stir the potatoes into the gravy, you can kiss ‘em goodbye. They dissolve into the gravy and cause the mixture to ooze over the bowl sides.

AND THE SMELL! To think I thought it was bad when I had only poked a small hole in it! Let me tell you a story: with the entire film removed, it smelled like my kitchen was suddenly transformed into a factory that produced Purina Wet Dog Chow. It reeked of dog food, mixed with the stench of a bloated trash bag in a dumpster on a hot summer day. Unfortunately, I’m not exaggerating.

The meat bits are cut and processed into cubes (I counted a whopping 3). Hormel also threw in a few bonus pieces of slimy mushrooms that were so thin, I could see light pass through them.

So how did it taste? Don’t ask. I took two bites and was unable to continue. I couldn’t swallow it without gagging. Your mileage may vary. I thought I detected hints of teriyaki and curry powder. What’s actually in it? I have no clue. Hormel only lists “flavoring and spices” in the ingredients. Hmmm. Your guess is as good as mine.

Bottom line: I would not eat this if it was the only thing I could eat all day. The smell is worse than dog food and garbage, and it looks as aesthetically pleasing as a plate of fresh brains. Do people really eat this and enjoy it? Wait - was I just punked?

Please enjoy the following bonus video - it contains ACTUAL FOOTAGE of our experience with the Hormel Compleat as described in this review.

Hormel Compleats from pophangover

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BANNING: Moth Balls!

Published on: July 16, 2008 – 4:18 pm - Submitted by Michelle

BANNING: MOTH BALLS

What is it with old people and mothballs? Was there some huge moth epidemic in the early 1900’s, leaving the senior citizens of today with a fear of moths and a penchant for mothballs?

It never fails. I can’t get more than three feet into my grandmother’s house before I’m hit with the unmistakable, overpowering stench of “the balls.” My grandmother swears by them. I end up swearing at them as I head outside for some fresh air.

What I want to know is this: who out there has concrete proof that a moth was responsible for the hole in their sweater? And if you do, I’d like to know how you got that proof. Did you catch the moth in the act with a surveillance video? Did you open your closet one day to catch a moth or some of its larvae feasting on your favorite garment? And even if you saw a moth resting on your t-shirt, could you prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the moth was indeed guilty of creating the hole?

What if we’ve been getting it wrong all these years? What if it’s not moths eating the clothing? What if a gaggle of Japanese beetles are up in a maple tree somewhere, laughing at us? “Ha, ha. We ate your cardigan, idiot!” Then the poor moths have been taking the rap for them and dying for naught at the hands of the evil “balls” all these years.

Regardless of which insect is causing the holey clothes, I still think the solution is worse than the problem. I’d rather go around with a tiny hole in my jacket than have people refuse to sit next to me in the movie theater. That mothball smell just won’t go away, kind of like a determined Jehovah’s Witness at your front door. So do yourself a favor: next time your Great Aunt Em tries to pawn that awful mothball-wreaking purple pea coat off on you, just say no.

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New Burger King Apple Fries: The Verdict

Published on: July 15, 2008 – 8:10 pm - Submitted by Jill

I am BANNING: The new Burger King Apple Fries. They’re gross looking, they’re gross tasting, and the contrast between “what you see” and “what you get” is actually laughable.

Personally, I love apples, but since I don’t like the skin, eating ‘em can be a time consuming ordeal for me. I have to wash it, peel it, core it, and then slice it. Hell, Rachael Ray could polish off an entire bag of Oreos before I’d even get to enjoy one bite. So when I heard about these apple fries, I immediately headed to BK’s website to investigate. Their print ads playfully teased my palate with perfectly cut, mouthwatering, fresh looking apple slices nicely stacked in a handy, portable cardboard container. I was intrigued. I had to have them. Now.

I headed out to my local BK, ordered my apple fries, shelled out my $1.50 (plus tax), and smiled as the lady handed me my tasty snack (well, at least I think it was a lady, but I digress). I tore open the bag before I even got out of the parking lot… and that’s when I experienced my first disappointment: no cardboard container! The “apple fries” were suffocating in a sealed plastic bag! What in the hell?

Fine. I’m not 8 years old. I could deal with putting them on a plate. What I COULDN’T deal with was the nasty brown color of the apples. They looked older than Brigitte Nielsen and more shriveled than Flava Flav. Even worse, it was like an 8th grade science project in that sealed bag, complete with condensation and discoloration and questionable odors.

I tried a few of them, against my better judgment, and they were revolting. They were soggy and bitter and they fell apart in my mouth like crumbly dough.

To make sure this wasn’t just a bad batch of apple fries, I went to another BK the next day to order some more, and they were even WORSE. I tried even MORE on day 3, and they were just as bad (though in all fairness, on day 3, I got a “fry pod” thrown in the bag, though the apple fries were still in the sealed plastic bag). So basically, they expect you to open the plastic bag, and then stack the fries YOURSELF in the fry pod. They don’t come that way.

Bottom line, the advertising’s more false than John McCain’s teeth. Personally, I’m sticking with the old fashioned core, peel, slice method.

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Banning: The Movie “Hancock”

Published on: July 11, 2008 – 3:38 pm - Submitted by Michelle

Banning: The Movie Hancock! The Fresh Prince Will Smith teams up with Jason Batemen and Charlize Theron, as John Hancock, your local misunderstood drunk. Silly casting directors - unhappy, alcoholic superheros are only fun when they are played by Robert Downey Jr! Let me sum this movie up for you: Hancock drinks. He saves lives. He goes to jail. He reforms. He gets shot. He loves. And he paints logos on the moon. The end.

The problem was, while the movie seemed to start out promising, it ultimately ended up falling flatter than Mila Jovlovich’s chest. There were simply one too many plot twists and complete character changes for my normal blood alcohol level. In fact, It was so scattered and disorganized, it made Paula Abdul seem coherent.

Sidebar: am I the only one annoyed by the bug eyed, pierced lip posters of Will Smith? That angry grimace isn’t scaring me. It looks more like he just caught a wiff of wife Jada Pinket’s career. Not so fresh! And seriously, somebody give that man some Chap-Stick.

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Budweiser Beer Bottle Telephone: The Verdict

Published on: July 4, 2008 – 11:25 am - Submitted by Jill

(…ring, ring…) Hello?

(spiritual voice): Hi, this is your dignity calling. I wanted to point out that you’re talking into a FAKE BEER BOTTLE, you asshole!

I am BANNING the Budweiser Beer Bottle telephone. Why? The only thing more pathetic than a drunk dialer is the sight of a grown-up SOBER dialer screaming a pizza order into the side of a beer bottle.

Yes, I’ll take “you’re a loser” for $500, Alex. Oh, and extra cheese please.

If you’re thinking about buying one and can get over being referred to as “that loser with the beer phone,” you should also know the sound quality on this thing is just awful. It looks like it was the prize in a Cracker Jack box that got half-eaten and then sat on by Camryn Manheim.

Not only that, but this phone morphs your voice into something barely recognizable as human. Case in point: my friend Joey called me from one last night, and it took me 4 minutes to realize who I the hell I was talking to. I didn’t know if it was Jodie Foster calling from the set of Contact 2 to share some deep space noises with me, or Harvey Fierstein wanting to do dinner and the new Angelina Jolie movie.

There is one pro: guys, it like, totally has a redial button. Say it with me: “wow.”

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FANNING: Acuvue Oasys Contact Lens

Published on: June 30, 2008 – 3:59 pm - Submitted by Michelle

I’m fanning Acuvue Oasys with HydraClear Plus contacts by Johnson and Johnson. Why? Because they are the first lens I’ve found that don’t make my eyes feel like the unfortunate victims of a horrid chimney sweep accident involving Mary Poppins, after only a few mere hours of wear time.

I don’t know what HydraClear Plus is, but I like it. I’ve tried Acuvue Advanced with HydraClear, and they were a let down for me. Sort of like the new Indiana Jones movie, but with more dryness and less explosions. I guess it’s the PLUS that seems to have made the difference. Who knew! Get your free trial pair online: Here.  Or get with the times and just order them from 1-800-Contacts and make up Doctor information.. they never check.

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BANNING: Hoover’s Mother Nature Wanna-be Vacuums

Published on: June 28, 2008 – 11:44 pm - Submitted by Michelle

BANNING: Meet the new brand of vacuums putting Mother Nature to shame. The Hoover Cyclonic Turbo Power Bagless Vac, and his less abrasive little brother, the Hoover Windtunnel. Don’t think they should be banned yet? Keep reading.

Cyclonic power? Patented Windtunnel technology? Just what I need, a vacuum capable of sucking up moon dust when standing atop Mt Vesuvius. Apparently I need the power of a “wind tunnel” when removing Oreo crumbs from my carpet. Why the sudden need to call upon Mother Nature for our petty cleaning rituals, isn’t she busy tipping trailers in Kansas? I can only imagine what’s next -  The ”Tidal Wave 7200″ toilet bowl cleaner? Or or perhaps the new “Lightning Bolt Mop Head” - with real electricity!

Now for the serious stuff. The Vacs suck. No. I mean in a bad way. I had the pleasure of trying the larger model out, and it was clunky, heavy, and hard to control. Worst of all, when you emptied the bagless container - all of the crap you just cleaned up got all over the place again. Sort of like, I don’t know, a cyclone stirred up all the crap in the air and dumped it on your carpet. Bad name. Bad Vacuum.

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