THE SUCK FILES - From Pophangover

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION SUCKS!

Jun 6, 2008 General 1 Comment

I have a confession to make: I DON’T “DO” AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION.

I loathe it. I shun it. And I hate whoever is trying to force it upon me. It’s patronizing and it is insulting. Audience participation is, at its core, a manipulative tool that presenters and performers use to persuade you and/or to make you feel engaged. Basically, it’s a desperate trump card thrown out by those not talented enough to engage you with their own performances.

Oh yeah - audience participation is also CHILDISH AND CORNY. You could not pay me enough money to “Macarena” or “Electric Slide” at a wedding. Sorry, no. I’ll be at the table with the other NON-LOSERY PEOPLE (yes, that is the technical term).

Here’s a quick tip for all you musicians: don’t stop singing mid-sentence - and point the microphone at the now well-lit audience so we can sing your song. This isn’t summer camp, and we’re not eleven. Guess what? Most cool people are going to silently sit there rolling their eyes at you… not because they don’t know how to have fun, but because they have a shred of self respect and dignity - and are armed with the knowledge that those who engage in audience participation often look pathetically lame!

And for the love of all that’s good and holy, STOP BREAKING THE CROWD INTO 3 SECTIONS SO THEY CAN SING HARMONY ON YOUR SONGS. It’s time consuming, frustrating, and generally STUPID. And besides, I didn’t pay $80 to hear a bunch of tone-deaf drunk people painfully butcher the entire 2nd verse of your song. Let them do that on their own time.)

Bottom line: Musicians, when I see you making those “come on, crowd, sing it!” gestures with your hands, I know it’s because you’re too out of breath to continue and you need a break - so hey, why not get the audience to pick up the slack for a few minutes under the guise of “making it more fun” for them!

People, we need to rise up from this! Let us band together to eliminate this awful pestilence known as “Audience Participation!” When a DJ demands you get up and form a conga line around the buffet table, REFUSE! When a drunk best man tries to pull you to the dance floor to Chicken Dance with him, HOLD YOUR GROUND AND STAY SEATED!

TOGETHER, WE CAN BEAT THIS. Because audience participation sucks. And it needs to be stopped.

BODIES REVEALED EXHIBIT SUCKS!

Jun 6, 2008 People, Uncategorized Leave a comment

I just saw Bodies Revealed (a miniature version of “Bodies: The Exhibition”). IT SUCKED. Here’s what my body revealed:

MY MOUTH will start by revealing: This exhibition was HORRID. It was boring, repetitive, and a waste of $60. Each of the 4 tiny rooms contained more and more of the same stuff. I’ll tell you, if you’ve seen one dehydrated body, you’ve seen them all. And how many fake veins with blacklights shining on them does one person need to see? Come on now.

MY NOSE revealed: don’t get too close, because these “dead bodies” smell like a putrid mixture of plastic and ASS. And unfortunately for me, on my tour, someone in the “respiratory” room apparently had too much chili before coming to the show. Or, the sight of Asian Black Lung made them uneasy. Discuss amongst yourselves.

MY LEGS revealed: they are happy to not have A NASTY BALLSACK aimlessly dangling between them, swaying to and ‘fro as they damn well please (sidebar: apparently, when male genitalia are dipped in polymers, they look like shriveled, narrow TUBE SOCKS with pebbles in the bottom of them).

MY EARS revealed: people are LAME. I can’t tell you how many excited losers we overheard saying stuff like, “OOoooo, WOWWW! Look at that!” The sad part is, they had to be talking about the two-ply toilet paper in the bathroom, because there wasn’t anything stimulating in this exhibit.

MY EYES revealed: the bodies were all of ASIANS. What gives? They all had black lung. And the so-called intricate veins/arteries were suspended in plastic tubs of WATER (ooh, how preserving!) And they looked like they were made out of CLAY. I actually spotted a FINGER PRINT on one of the jarred aortas.

MY CAMERA REVEALED: not a thing - because you’re not allowed to use them in there. Why? Because then people would spread photographic proof of how WRETCHED this event is.

Skip it! BODIES REVEALED SUCKS!

COJO SUCKS!

May 18, 2008 People Leave a comment

I HATE COJO (Steven Cojocaru) AND HE SUCKS.

Few people on this Earth annoy me more than Entertainment Tonight’s “fashion critic” COJO. The sight of his face makes me want to screech out in horror. He is impossible to watch, his clothes are revolting, and I’ve seen more attractive, healthier heads of hair on scarecrows scattered around Idaho’s farmlands.

Aside from his scary, bloated, plastic surgery face, he has the most obnoxious, whiny voice that I’ve ever heard in my life. Even worse, he never has anything interesting to say and his commentary is generic and stupid.

NEWSFLASH Einstein: everyone thought Cher’s Bob Mackie dress was ugly. And everyone hated Bjork’s infamous swan dress - thanks so much for pointing out that you loathed them, too. I’ll sleep easier tonight knowing they made your “wost dressed list” that no one gives a shit about.

Here’s a tip… run along back to your homeland of Canada and take your ugly clothes and stupid commentary and whiny voice with you (Psst: you might want to touch up your roots before you go.)

Just look at his face! He looks like the bastard love child of Chastity Bono and Charo! I hate you Cojo, you suck!

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY SUCKS!

May 18, 2008 People Leave a comment

It’s true - Matthew McConaughey SUCKS. He’s nothing more than an annoying, arrogant, stoner frat boy who got lucky and made it big-time (translation: HE’S A MAJOR TOOL.) He’s not handsome, he’s not talented, and he certainly doesn’t belong on the red carpet. He should be operating a shake machine at an Arby’s in Atlanta to fund his juvenile loser drug habit.

I hate him and his lame typecast movie roles. I hate how he just looks DIRTY all the time (and did you know he does not wear deodorant, ever?) I hate his over-confidence and how he thinks he’s charming. I hate his fake, played out “I’m just so laid back” pothead attitude. I hate his droning southern Texas-boy drawl. And lastly, I hate his cocky smile - it makes me want to rip his lips off of his face. And I bet he has a small penis.

Another reason to hate him: he is developing his own line of swim apparel named j.k. livin, after his production company - and personal mantra - “Just keep livin’.”

J.K. LIVIN? JUST KEEP LIVIN? Oh my god. That is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard in my life. Sounds like something you’d tell a co-worker after their dog died. Shut the hell up and go take a bath, Matthew McConaughey. You suck.

(Who would wear this ugly crap!? Let’s all hope the J.K. stands for JUST KIDDIN’!)

ABERCROMBIE & FITCH SUCKS!

May 18, 2008 Places, stores Leave a comment

Abercrombie & Fitch sucks the big one. I instantly hate the clueless lemmings who wear their clothes, and I pity the losers who think they’re cool just because they do. Didn’t you get the memo? You’re an idiot. You just paid out the ass to be a much uglier clone of a now jobless clothing model.

Just who do these A&F assholes think they are? Charging $80 for cheap “made in China” hoodies and sweatpants? $40 for lame, generic t-shirts? $70 for cargo shorts? And now in 2008, $200 for a CATALOG?

You heard me right: $200 for a catalog.

These A&F scumbags have a new catalog out, with photos of scantily-clad teens in such controversial poses that it’s only available in the UK right now. And how is A&F getting around these child porn pictures? By calling the book “ART” - and charging $200 for it.

MORPH INTO A KIT KAT AND GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, ABERCROMBIE.

And these ugly waifs they hire to wander around the store and fold clothes make me seriously ill. They wreak of faux self confidence, low self esteem, and cheap beer… a stench that’s only hidden by the gag-inducing amount of cheap A&F cologne they spray around the store.

Wake up people, these clothes don’t make you cool - they make you generic. Ooh, you have a number 69 on your fake sports jersey! Subtle enough so mom won’t notice, but hey, you might get labeled “easy” at the bar!

Screw you Abercrombie & Fitch, you suck and I hope you go bankrupt.

SPRING CLEANING SUCKS!

May 5, 2008 Uncategorized Leave a comment

We all know at least one. An obsessive Spring cleaner. They devote between 2-6 entire weekends in April and May to the act. I’m here to say I just don’t get it. What about the spring moves people to become more cleanly? I have to say my personal hygiene level stays just about even no matter the season. This begs the question: is it okay to be a slob in the fall? What about the Winter? It’s cold then. Flowers aren’t bloomed. The grass is sort of brown. Does that make dust under my bed alright too? Smudges on the coffee table?

Sometimes they travel in pairs. Man and woman teams of Spring cleaners. These couple cleaner types can be the worst to contend with because they have others reinforcing their behavior. Ever try to get one of these clean teams to break trend on a Spring cleaning weekend to say, go for a walk? Not going to happen. Boxes need moving. Garages need sweeping. Attic bags needs shuffling! It’s Spring, shouldn’t you be out of the house doing stuff? Why not clean in the Summer when it’s 101 degrees out and air conditioning is abound? Now, I am not referring to yard work because there is obviously a time and place pending the weather. However it’s always the same climate in your house. Room temperature, and rarely raining.

Spring cleaning has even spawned it’s own Spring cleaning attire. The cleaners always seem to be clad in at least two of these three things: a bandanna, over-alls (one button down), and a lime-green scrunchie; it’s as if cleaning in the Spring time has somehow picked them up and thrown them directly into Youngstown, Ohio in the ’80s. So next December, return the favor and ditch one of these “SC” people by using the “Winter cleaning” excuse.. let me know what happens

-Review by Michelle

THE AMISH SUCK!

Apr 22, 2008 Religion / Politics Leave a comment

My Amish expertise can be broken down into two very credible sources:

1) I saw “Witness” with Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis.

2) Common sense.

The best thing about making fun of the Amish is that they will never know. They are too busy churning butter. Besides - electricity, telephones, and even cars are forbidden, and despite my perseverance, pophangover has not yet been approved for weekly translation in global smoke signals.

They refuse to take out health insurance, and at times partake in medical attention as a whole. Now, call me an extremist, but last time I checked, bonnets didn’t protect from bodily harm. And with each family averaging a horse drawn clown-car(riage) of 8 children, obviously they don’t guard against pregnancy either (though they refuse to educate their children past the 8th grade because they believe it’s sufficient enough to prepare for an Amish life-style, I have to disagree). You have to get to at least 11th grade before you are man or woman enough to assist in a goat birth. That shit just doesn’t come up until college prep.

Other fun Amish perks include being prone to glamorous genetic disorders such as dwarfism, and spending your wedding night at home with the bride’s parents. The horror! It sounds like a bad Ben Stiller movie waiting to happen. During all religious services, women and men sit in separate rooms, sort of like during the awkward sex-ed video they played in elementary school… only without the penis doodles. I guess I will just have to put up with them because they make really good pretzels, but seriously - it hurts knowing the little bits of salty goodness had to go through all that just to get to me.

*review by Michelle

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN SUCKS!

Apr 21, 2008 Movies Leave a comment

The winner of four Oscars, No Country for Old Men is an intense thrill ride which, at it’s core, depicts the real havoc compressed air guns can reek (and you thought they were only dangerous in Ty Pennington’s hands?!)As you venture through more rundown hotels than Heidi Fleiss, you’ll follow the delightful travels of the older brother from The Goonies as he tries to escape from a really creepy dude with bad hair named Chester Copperpot… oops, I mean “Anton.”

Other famous actors who served no real purpose included Tommy Lee Jones, who seemed to fill the “I’ll chase the killer while I sit in diners and pensively drink coffee” role (Pulp Fiction called, they want their idea back). Tommy-boy sure is looking rather weathered these days. I personally think he, Sly Stallone, and Harrison Ford should settle down to a nice community in Florida like normal people do and stop trying to be heroes. You are 77 years old. Go eat pudding and complain about your hemorrhoids.