EPISODE #801/#802

 (alternatively titled: "hey, let's get NAKED, drink too much, and slip into a coma!")

Just a quick question... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE??? Are they for real??? Can people *REALLY* be this ODD?  Apparantly so. "Hi, I'm Teck, and this is my penis!"   "No, I don't know you at all, but SO WHAT?!  I wanna get nude and swim in the pool!" TRANSLATION: "Well, this is our first episode, and I wanna come across as really fun and spontaneous, so let me try and do something that seems over the edge!"

So instead of rehashing the entire episode (I'm sure you've all seen it a thousand times by now)... I'm just gonna give you a run-down on each of these castmembers...

COLIN (Reject-turned-Roomie) - Holy cockiness, batman! What's this kid's damage? I thought he was funny and cool in the Real World Casting Special, but all of a sudden he walked into the house like he owned the place. Yeah, yeah, I know he's slightly cute, but... eek... so far, the kid just leaves a wretched taste in my mouth.

RUTHIE (the Alcoholic Lesbian) - "Hello. My name is Ruthie. I have SEVERE issues. Please cast me for the Real World Hawaii!"  and that they did. Hmm, SOMEONE <caugh, RUTHIE!, caugh> doesn't know her limit when it comes to alcohol. What were the first words out of her mouth as soon as she got into the house?? "Is there any alcohol in the fridge!!"  Hmm, can you say FORESHADOWING?

KAIA (the Cocky Wanna-Be Philosopher) - Kaia... she's the Real World's first FOURTY SOMETHING female castmember in a 16 year old boy's body! And did you all know that her real name is MARGARET? Yep, it's true. She changed her name a few years back. Now I ask you, is that something someone who is supposedly SO comfortable with herself would do? Hmm, let me think... NO. In my opinion, she should have kept her name as MARGARET. It fits her. She acts like a bitter 40 year old woman who's trying to recapture her childhood. And what's with her voice? Maybe she should try opening her mouth before she speaks. Take note of that next time you see her. Also... I laughed so hard that I nearly lost consciousness when she said to Justin, "I'm a good listener. I want to take my shirt off, does that offend you?"   Can you say "W-E-I-R-D-O!"  Finally, my gaydar's going off BIGTIME with Margaret... oops, I mean Kaia... I really think she's a lesbian, but she just hasn't admitted it to herself yet. Time will tell!

JUSTIN (the Token Gay Dude) - Teck summed Justin up in a nutshell within the first 5 seconds of them knowing each other.... "Hey dude, nice shoes. Are you gay?"  Um, is he ever. Justin's ok in my book. He seems like a good guy, who just happens to like other good guys! And I do admire the way he was there for the drunken sloth herself, RUTHIE. But Justin... geez man, WHO IRONED YOUR NOSE? 'nuff said.

MATT (the Obligatory Ghost Castmember) - Yeah, every season has one... that one castmember who blends into the backround to the point you forget they're even there. This season, I think it's gonna be Matt. I can't read this kid yet. He barely said two words in the entire hour. But then again, maybe that's because he spent his first night in a hospital waiting room because of RUTHIE the LUSH. He seems to like Ruthie a *LITTLE* too much.... but only because she is "physically" what he looks for in a woman (as he said himself.) Hmm, what are you looking for, Matt, an alcoholic lesbian with a nosering? Well, hey, congrats, you found one in Ruthie!

AMAYA (the Loudmouth Sorority Girl) - As she said herself, "It may come across as vanity, but it's really just blazing insecurity." Obviously. She blabbed for an hour about which dress to wear to the bars... only to end up wearing gross tapered-legged JEANS. And she's obviously very insecure about "the twins" and her body. But that aside, I kind of like her. Yeah, she's that annoying girl we all know who never shuts up and who talks a little too quickly and loudly... but she seems good-hearted and very real.

TECK (the freaky Puck wannabe) - I just see Teck as WREAKING of insecurity. He tries so hard to come off as "the man" and to seem like this fun, upbeat person. Nonono, I see right through that facade. Oh, before I forget, could someone PLEASE slip Teck a box of twinkies? He is sickeningly skinny. I've seen stray chihuahuas in the streets of Cancun with more meat on their bones.

So yeah, Ruthie lived to see Kaia walk around the house topless for yet another day! Ahh, we can all breathe a sigh of relief.

THE ALLMIGHTY TIKI AWARD!!

This week's ALLMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: Kudos to RUTHIE, this week's winner. She drank enough liquor to intoxicate a small country in Europe, but blew off her near-death experience with the excuse, "someone must have slipped something in my drink!" Yeah, Ruthie, that MUST have been it.

This week's ALLMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Margaret (damn, I did it again... I mean Kaia.) "I have so much charisma when I walk in a room that all heads turn... and I have the personality to back it up." Hmm... Kaia, just a thought... maybe all heads are turning cause your DAMN SHIRT IS OFF! haha, of course I could be wrong.

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... please refrain from drinking yourself into an oblivion until then!  

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"I'm not an alcoholic, but I play one on TV."