EPISODE #805

 (alternatively titled: "The token Valentine's Day episode. Garlic, anyone?")

Before I start tonight's critique, I must take a moment to send a special message to Ruthie... HEY RUTHIE!! Have you looked in the mirror lately? Particularly in the area above your upper lip?? GET RID OF YOUR MOUSTACHE!!! It looks heinous! Please! A little bleach, some wax, something, anything! Ah, ok, I feel so much better now. On with the review!

Tonight's episode began with Colin, Amaya, and Teck lying around in bed discussing their sexual pasts. Colin, in one of his feeble attempts to form a coherent, intelligent sentence, mumbled "I don't like to do what <pause> Teck does, with hooking up with <pause> a lot of women." Wow, that must have worked his brain way too hard, because when Amaya asked him when he lost his virginity, he replied, "a year, a year and two years." WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU MORON! That made no sense! Are you trying to say "four years?" What an intelligent boy. Amaya, while naked and wrapped in a tacky looking blanket, announced, "I know sex, cause I've HAD sex!" OH MY GOD, STOP THE UNIVERSE, Amaya has had sex! And she's bragging about it. Does Amaya have a need for recognition? I'd say so!  She also mentioned she's had sex with 11 guys, 2 sheep, a sumo wrestler, and a weedwacker - which paled in comparison to Colin's meger one sexual partner.

Anyway, Amaya must have found the bottles of Prozac that the Real World producers stashed under the mattress for her - in just a week she managed to go from crying and whining on the pool table to sleeping in the buff in Colin's bed. Colin, in another moment of brilliance, said, "I think Amaya needs to be close to somebody, especially a guy, and I think that's why she wants to sleep in my bed." Wow. Somebody give this boy a gold star. He is #1 in the class for pointing out the painfully OBVIOUS.

BUT WAIT! Just when I was beginning to enjoy the Real World without Kaia, she was back and as bad as ever, bickering "what do I want that I'm not getting!" Someone chirped out, "sex!" and Kaia retorted, "Nope! I could get that." RIGHT!! Puh-lease. The closest Kaia's gotten to having sex was last week's drunken lesbian kiss in the back seat of the van. Think about it. Kaia walks around the house topless week after week, yet none of the guys in the house even seem to CARE! And I don't exactly see the guys lining up outside her bedroom door. So yeah, Margaret, you keep telling yourself that.

Kaia decided to go out and - yep, you guessed it - drink and smoke cigarettes in some club (don't you remember her saying her body was a shrine?) She met this random guy who offered to take her to a Janet Jackson concert. How convenient - but I just don't buy it. He saw Kaia shaking her bootyless ass for 20 minutes in a club, and offered to take her to a Janet Jackson concert, in the FRONT ROW no less?? And the concert was two days away! WHO would have front row tickets for a show two days away, yet have no one to go with them?? So there are three possibilities. 1) This guy is even more desperate and lame than you can imagine. 2) He's just thinking, "You are on the Real World and *I* would really like to get on the Real World, so can I bribe you with these Janet Jackson tickets?"   or  3) He is a Bunim-Murray employee sent in to see if Kaia will hook up with a MALE.  Hmm, I wonder.

Next we got to see "sensitive Kaia," walking through the park BIRDWATCHING as her father used to do before he died. How did her father die? Of AIDS *AND* brain cancer. Ouch. But enough was enough! It was downright painful... several minutes of Kaia with a blank, expressionless look on her face that was supposed to symbolize a love for her dead father. During the birdwatching scene, she said she subconsciously found herself doing all the things her father used to do, like burping really loudly in public and overusing the phrase "pull my finger."

Cut to Colin outside talking to Amaya on this random cliff overlooking the beach. How romantic. I don't know what it is about the two of them together, but they just remind me of a couple of 6th graders... and I swear, I'm just sitting back, waiting for Amaya to run up to Kaia saying, "KAIA!! Please go ask Colin if he likes me! Because I 'like him, like him!'"  

Kaia's date Jafari came to pick her up for the Janet show. She threw her favorite ebonics greeting at him ("hey 'sup bay-bay!") and they were off, so Kaia could drown the poor guy in her special breed of intense misery. The girl really needs to LIGHTEN UP... she was chewing his ear off about every boring topic imaginable, and talking only about herself, of course. I didn't hear that Jafari guy say two words, except for a random "HEY JANET!!!" which was followed by a silence that seemed to whisper, "umm, I was just trying to be slightly jovial... I'm sorry, it won't happen again... please keep talking to me, I wanna be on Real World!"

Next, cut to Amaya in granny-mode, crocheting the night away. Teck brought home two butt ugly girls, and thought he was "the man" for doing so. Colin was flirting with one of them, which got Amaya and the twins all hot and bothered under that black hooded sweatshirt they were wearing. Amaya had to get revenge... so, she found "Trey," some random basketball player, and basically used the crap out of him to get under Colin's skin. Colin stood in the corner with his thumb up his butt, and looked on jealously. And then, Amaya said, "everything is chilly willy will!" while outside watching Kaia smoke yet ANOTHER cigarette. Oh Amaya, you are so ghetto!

Cut to Kaia carrying in a HUGE bouquet of flowers from Jafari. What did the card say? "Kaia, you are the most annoying, self-centered, insecure woman I have ever met. *BUT* I really want more camera time, so call me back! love Jafari!" Aww, isn't he sweet? Kaia said she's never fallen in love, and told her mother "I can have anyone I want, but I could never give myself to anyone!" Mmm-hmm, Kaia has finally understood what we all already know - she is destined to grow old alone and miserably!

Apparently it was Valentine's day, so Colin decorated Amaya's bed with a two dollar stuffed animal, a card, and a balloon. And then - yes - we got to seem them kiss, after a short stroll on the beach, and after being forced to listen to Colin's monotone voice for FAR too long (please listen to the way he says, "did you like the gifts!" <gag>)... that is, if you can even CALL what the two of them did "kissing." Their lips barely touched. It seemed so awkward and gawky, they looked like two 13 year old kids nervously sharing their first kiss, hoping mommy wouldn't come in the room and rain on their parade. Maybe Amaya couldn't stand to be TOO close to Colin because his breath WREAKED from the garlic he was obsessing over earlier in the episode. Yummy, garlic breath! Sure makes ME want to pucker up!

In my opinion, the best part of tonight's episode was the preview of next week's show - seems the drunken sloth herself gets blasted and decides to hit on her girlfriend's bosses wife! Fun Fun.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI award!

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARD!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: Congratulations to tonight's winners, AMAYA! Enough said!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: MARGARET, for the FOURTH week in a row! Tonight's winning comment?  After she received the flowers from Jafari, she said, "Apparently I just blew him away!"  Yeah, uhh, that MUST have been it.

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, if some guy "touches your breasts and shoves his hand up your crotch" in a club, and you don't want him to be doing that, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

back to the REAL WORLD HAWAII Episode Guide

"Hey, I know sex, cause I've HAD sex!"