EPISODE #806

 (alternatively titled: "Ruthie, change your damn underwear!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY:  Umm... *WHAT* was with the black feather boa Margaret had around her neck for the ENTIRE episode?? "Hi, I'm Margaret. I was a trendy showgirl in another life." And come on, it's not even like she could have been using it as a scarf. They're in HAWAII!

It wasn't even one minute into tonight's episode before I found myself asking that age old question, "How many Real Worlders does it take to light a gas grill?!" I didn't think it was that difficult! Apparently I was wrong. The task proved to be too mighty for just ONE Real Worlder to tackle. Colin, Amaya, AND Matt were huddled around the damn thing, just staring at it with Margaret-esque blank expressions on their faces. After waaaay too long, they finally got the grill lit. Matt said, "Twist the knob and click! We've got gas! We've got LOTS of gas!" Har har! Gas! Get it?? Gee, you're funny Matt! Hmm... one thing's for sure, no one better ask them to do something REALLY challenging, like, getting water to boil.

Tonight, the Real Worlders decided to have a little bar-b-que for some friends in their multi-million dollar beach house. And I can't say I blame them. But, remember the olden days, when Real Worlders had to resort to activities such as crank calling people (Heather B. and Julie, "we goin' to JAMAICA!") for fun? Well those are days of the past! Today's Real Worlders are probably too moronic to operate a phone ("Do you actually have to, like, LIFT the receiver before you dial the numbers? I don't get it???") Plus, why crank call people when you can fire up your resteraunt-sized $8,000 grill and chill with friends in your $5 million dollar beach house. Of course, the downside to that is... you'll have to listen to Ruthie free-style... as we were forced to do tonight. While listening to Ruthie's painful attempt at rapping, I found myself thinking that Chinese torture would have been less agonizing.

Come on now, let's face it, we just wouldn't be watching the Real World Hawaii without seeing the castmembers make their nightly trip to a club. Tonight, Ruthie managed to see her way to the stage through her thick beer-goggles, just to entertain us with another grammy-winning freestyle bit ("And when I say YES, you say NO! Yes, No! Yes, No!") After that, we got to see Ruthie bust out into several all her favorite 80's dance moves on the dancefloor. She went from breakdancing, to doing "the worm" through some guy's legs. The words "oh my god, Ruthie looks completely and totally LAME" popped into my head. Hmm, I wonder where they came from? Several readers of this page pointed out to me that she looks like "Tiger Woods" with a wig... I do have to agree there.

Cut to the sloth puking $1,245 dollars of screwdrivers and margaritas into the toilet at the house. Amaya said, "You're sick, duuuuude! Go finish puking!" and Ruthie snapped back, "F-ck you Amaya. Shut up, bitch!" I had to rewind it to hear it again, it was priceless. It's about time someone put Amaya in her place (even if it was the drunken sloth who did so.) Remember two weeks ago, when Amaya was crying over Ruthie, and taking care of her? Tonight, she was just standing in the background laughing at her as she was puking the night away. My my my, isn't it amazing what a little time will do.

Amaya came to the conclusion that all the running she was doing after Colin wasn't enough of an aerobic workout, so she decided to join a kickboxing class. This clip was just hysterical. Amaya couldn't even handle the JUMPROPE - "derr... I can't get it over the TWINS!" Yes Alex, I'd like "Big-Breasted Sorority Girls" for $800, please.

Time for another CLUB SCENE! It was Pam's birthday [Pam is Calvin, the boss at Local Motion's girlfriend]. Ruthie decided that in liu of a present, she would give Pam a lapdance... so she stood on the table and attempted to look sexy as she clumsily flailed her drunken limbs in the air. She took her pants off half way, to reveal a pair of black thong underwear (this is important later in the review, so pay attention!) Poor Pam looked like she had just walked in on her grandmother having sex. The whole thing was just very, very tragic.

Colin is just hysterical. He's sweet, sensitive, and adorable. Oh, wait, that was the guy in the casting special. We must be seeing his droid counterpart. Cut to Amaya and the NEW Colin driving home, talking about Ruthie behind her back. Colin said he was humiliated by Ruthie's antics, and then proceeded to make the most RETARDED, IRRELEVANT analogy I have ever heard: "It was like a bad movie with a sailors in it, when the guy on the bar leans over screaming."  Uhh, yeah Colin, that's JUST what it was like. How much did you have to drink tonight?? Are you sure you're fit to be driving home?!? Either that, or he's just sharing that one brain cell with Amaya.

And where's the first place the kids head to once they get home from a club? JUSTIN'S ROOM. They told him about their night with the drunken sloth and he said, "I have never been to an event where Ruthie stirred up trouble!" Well, GEE, I wonder why? Hi, it's called, "TRY LEAVING YOUR DAMN BEDROOM once and a while!" Maybe he's embarassed to be seen in public because of his awful, ironed nose. But hey, I like Justin, so I'll leave it at that.

Next we got to witness some of the most irritating footage the Real World cameramen have ever shot. Margaret, who was all caught up in one of her infamous "I can save the world with my philosophical crap" moments, decided that Ruthie needed more affirmations of everyone's love for her. So, Margaret said, "I'm gonna do this, then I want you to do it louder than me," and turned towards the ocean and burped. No, wait, I'm kidding. She screamed, "I LOVE YOU!!!"  Ruthie did the same, but followed it with, "I love you ocean, I love you house, I love you sky, I love it when you kiss me when you're drunk, Margaret!"

Cut to Amaya and Colin in the hot tub. Amaya asked, "What is the one thing you could never live without?" And Colin said, "Women!" but quickly changed his mind and said, "Guy friends are most important, then pez, then toilet paper, then women!" Amaya was distraught by that, so Colin tried to clear things up by insightfully saying, "Hey, you've gotta wipe your ass." So basically, Colin would rather Squeeze the Charmin than her.

Margaret's wonderful daily affirmations didn't seem to do much for Ruthie, who is obviously way past the point of rescue as we saw in the next scene... yes, ANOTHER trip to a club. Ruthie decided to pull her pants down so her friends could slip dollar bills in her underwear A-La-Chippendales... and it was at this point when I noticed the absolutely unthinkable... RUTHIE DOES NOT CHANGE HER UNDERWEAR! She was wearing the EXACT same pair of black thong underwear she was wearing 2 nights ago! Apparently Ruthie didn't follow her mom's advice: "Ruthie honey, remember to always wear clean underwear - you never know when you're gonna be stripping!" Anyway, the night was brought to an end when the drunken sloth was kicked out of the club for throwing water on some random guy (who was probably laughing at her, as anyone normal would have been doing).

Matt, his immensely long 90210-wanna-be sideburns, and Margaret sat at the kitchen table talking about Ruthie. Selfish, one-way Margaret was more concerned about not being able to go back to that particular bar than she was about Ruthie's alcoholism. Matt decided to take action. In a confessional, he said, "I just really want Ruthie to come to me saying, "Matt, help me! Take care of me!" Translation: "I just wanna get laid... and I wanna show Ruthie what it's like to have a real man!" And so Matt took Ruthie out for some chinese food to discuss her problem. In-between chopstickfulls of greasy stir fry, Matt told Ruthie the entire house was concerned about her. Ruthie replied, "Why can't I just go out and do my own thing? I'm not like you guys," while chewing with her mouth open and talking with her mouth full. Than who ARE you like, Ruthie? Betty Ford?

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI awards!

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: Congratulations to tonight's winners, RUTHIE! She chews with her mouth open and talks with her mouth full, AND she doesn't change her underwear. How could she NOT win???

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: MARGARET AND RUTHIE tied this week! Tonight, the girls won for their obnoxious "I LOVE YOUs" to the ocean. That was most definitely high up on the vomit-worthy scale.

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, for the love of god, CHANGE YOUR UNDERWEAR on a regular basis!

back to the REAL WORLD HAWAII Episode Guide

"Hey, you gotta wipe your ass!"