EPISODE #810
(alternatively titled: "Make up, Break up, MAKE UP YOUR DAMN MIND!")
PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: "Gonna dress you up in my love, all over, all over...." oh, sorry. I was just singing that damn GAP VEST commercial that MTV played 23598 times last night....
Ah yes, another week, another episode of The Real World... or maybe I should say "The Colin and Matt Show!" like the two dorks themselves said.Was it me, or did the cameras really capture the essence of their utter corniness in the very first clip of the night? The cameras zoomed in frighteningly close to Matt and Colin's drab-looking faces, as the two of them said, "Welcome to the Colin and Matt show!" and then proceeded to make the Hawaiian hand-gesture for "How's it Hangin!" <cough, DORKS, cough>. Actually, tonight was more like "The Colin and Amaya show!" The episode started with Colin, Amaya, the twins, and the stuffed bunny lying in the top bunk. Once again, Amaya was trying to make Colin kiss her raggy looking, dilapidated stuffed bunny. Colin refused. Amaya was disturbed, since Colin "did it once before." Colin insisted that it was a "rape kiss," and that the bunny "raped" him. Riiiight, Colin. Was that before or after the tooth fairy held you at gunpoint and robbed you?
In any event, Colin finally joined the ranks of the rest of the human race, and got sick of looking at Amaya's rank, caked on white eyeshadow, and declared: "I wanna do something with Matt... ALONE!" Sounds rather kinky if you ask me. Amaya just couldn't take a hint. She could have sailed to Oahu on the winds of Colin blowing her off... but that didn't stop her. She wasn't content to let Colin and his mole out of her sight - so she followed them to the bar and sat at a table... by HERSELF... just so she could keep tabs on Colin. Amaya shouted, "Hey Colin, pretend I'm not even here!" and Colin said, "I have been!" Ah yeah, the sparks are beginning to fly... Colin said, "My friend, the cheerleader, is a brunette... and I like brunettes!" as the camera focused on the blonde-haired Amaya. My prediction? Amaya will call Dolly Parton and order one of her lovely brunette wigs... and their whole situation will be made into a really bad made-for-tv movie starring Tori Spelling.
Poor Amaya! Not only was Colin blowing her and the twins off for more playtime with his new butt-buddy Matt, but her father also called her to tell her he was sick. Now, some kids call their father "Dad," some kids call him "Pop." But Amaya? She calls her father "DOODLES." Yes, I said "DOODLES." (?!?!) And yeah, there are a thousand and one jokes I could make about Amaya calling her father, who might have colon cancer, DOODLES... but hey, I'll leave it at that. <insert evil laugh here>.
Cut to Colin, Matt, and a random golden retriever playing football on the beach. And by now, we have all realized that RUTHIE, the drunken slut, doesn't change her underwear. But what about Colin's red bathing suit? He LIVES in that damn thing. Hi, can you say, "nasty?" Anyway, Colin said "I am really happy Matt is here! I am also really happy that the camera guys didn't catch me soliciting that male prostitute last week." Could Colin have made a FEW more affirmations of his newfound "love" for Matt in tonight's episode? I'm waiting for the two of them to start sharing the top bunk. And then, of course, Justin would have to join the party...
Matt finally realized he was never gonna land a woman in Hawaii, so he decided to get a job working for a radio station (and hey, what do ya know, he got it. Must have been his sparkling personality.) And what does he get to report on at the radio station? Anything he wants! From surf reports, to local nightspots. He said, "I'm all about fascinating the people!" So for his first report, Matt is going to pull the pole out of Margaret's ass.... with his teeth! Oh yeah, I'd pay to see that one (and I'm not kidding.)
In the next scene, the castmembers were preparing to go to a random Mardi Gras charity ball. I actually thought it was Halloween... and hey, this scene was way scarier than any horror movie I've ever seen. They were all dressing up... Amaya was even wearing Margaret's black feather boa. Matt, the new radio stud, had to play the part and wear his pair of 1980s wayfarer sunglasses. Ruthie went dressed as herself - which apparently was enough of a costume. Once inside the party, Amaya burst into tears at the dinner table, saying that Colin was being "distant." So, Colin and Amaya went outside to talk. Here is the conversation they had:
Amaya: "You're being mean to me!"
Colin: "No I'm not!"
Amaya: "Yes you are!"
Colin: "No I'm not!"
Amaya: "You stole my coloring book!"
Colin: "No I didn't!"
Yeah, it was pathetic, as usual. Amaya pulled an attention-grabbing stunt and decided to go home, but not without first warning Colin, "If I hear you picked up any chicks tonight, I'll kill you." Poor Amaya. She really has two braincells, and they're fighting each other.
I'm convinced Margaret can't go one episode without being totally obnoxious. Once again, she tried to come across as an expert on everyone and everything, including Colin and Amaya's relationship. She said, "It is hard to date someone who doesn't show enough emotion. It's also hard to come up with all this meaningless crap that I spew out every week."
Cut to the new butt-buddies Matt and Colin talking. Matt said, "I guarantee you couldn't get a night away from Amaya if you wanted to!" I just really, really want to kick Matt in the shins. He is an instigating, backstabbing piece of trash. He is your best friend to your face, but he would think nothing about talking about you behind your back. He told Colin that Amaya said, "Colin pushes our relationship!" and then in a confessional, he admitted, "They both know whatever they tell me will go right to the other one!" Here's a tip for you Matt: GET A DAMN LIFE. Stop trying to cause trouble, which in turn would cause a little excitement that would spice up your boring, drab, waste of an existence.
After the Mardi Gras ball, Amaya (clad in her patented grey nightgown and clutching her stuffed bunny) made her way to Colin's bed. And once again, here is their conversation:
Amaya: "Can I sleep in here tonight?"
Colin: "I wanna sleep alone tonight."
Amaya: "Well can we talk?"
Colin: "Tomorrow."
Amaya: "Want me to bake you an apple pie?"
Colin: "Hmm, okay!"
After that, Amaya climbed into bed with Colin (she is STILL not getting the hint.) Colin said, "I heard from a reliable source that you said I was the one pushing our relationship!" D'oh! I wonder if it was Matt, his new bitch, who he has been spending every waking moment with?? Colin also told Amaya, "This is overbearing. I am suffocating. I don't have enough space in my bed because the twins require a bed of their own. I hate you. Get out of my face. Leave me alone, you annoying WENCH." Amaya finally got the hint, and ran into the bathroom to duct-tape her breasts in an effort to make them look smaller. The next day, we see Amaya wandering helplessly around the island, as if she just got separated from her mommy in a big, scary mall. She actually sat down on a rock and took her pulse. Cut to Amaya on the phone with her mom, saying the most hilarious words ever spoken on television: "Mom, I'm having that problem with my heart again!"
In a confessional, Margaret said, "Amaya needs a friend now... a WOMAN friend!" You go Margaret, always willing to lend a helping hand to all the females you think you'll be able to get in the sack. Amaya told Margaret, "I'm thinking of giving up the male species!" Margaret said, "Take control of what makes you happy! Here, drink this glass of cayan pepper and maple syrup." Cut to Colin writing Amaya an E-MAIL . Apparently, he lost his voice from screaming "I'M NOTHING BUT A REAL WORLD REJECT!" to the ocean... a little trick he picked up from Margaret.
If any of you thought Colin and Amaya's relationship would actually end, you bought into the misconception that all homosapiens have backbones. Colin clearly does not. Here we go again: Colin and Amaya sleeping together in the top bunk. It was here that Amaya asked Colin to be her "SHMOOPY WOOPY." I don't know how he refrained from aggressively flinging her off the bed - because if anyone asked me to be their "shmoopy woopy" I would definitely 1) laugh hysterically and 2) turn violent.
In a confessional, Matt asked Colin, "Why don't you two just have sex?" Colin replied, "You need to get your WEINER near a woman and stop living vicariously through my balls." Weiner, weiner, weiner. Is that one of the only 15 words in Colin's vocab? Hmm... what was I saying about his maturity level?? And in the last scene of the night, a totally wasted Colin said, "There is a train coming right at me, and I'm not pulling myself off of the tracks." Ah, that's the best news I've heard all day!
And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI awards!
THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!
This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: A - M - A - Y - A. I have never seen a more pathetic display of human behavior in my life. Following Colin and Matt to the resteraunt? Threatening to maim Colin if he met any other girls? One word: PSYCHOSIS.And, as if all of that wasn't bad enough, she wore the RANK feather boa to the Mardi Gras party <shudder.> AND, she said "shoomoy woopy!" (see below)
This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Amaya has swept tonight's TIKI awards! The most vomit-worthy comment? You guessed it! "Mom, I'm having that problem with my heart again!" As if that wasn't enough, she asked Colin to be her "SHMOOPY WOOPY."
This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, do not kiss the stuffed bunny. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD! DO NOT KISS THE STUFFED BUNNY!
back to the REAL WORLD HAWAII Episode Guide
"I'm all about fascinating the people!"