EPISODE #811

 (alternatively titled: "Waaaaay too much Margaret / There better be strip clubs in India!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: Aahhh. Margaret's forehead bedazzlers were getting UGLIER AND UGLIER as tonight's episode progressed! We started with the token diamond jewel, moved to the BLUE jewel, and then (gasp) to a hideous looking "thing" that DANGLED down between her nose. GET A CLUE MARGARET. You aren't Hindu. And here's a tip - you're not Gwen Stefani. You CAN'T pull it off, and you DON'T look good. Stop with the damn jewel. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ENOUGH OF THE UGLY JEWEL. Ah, I feel much better.

Ah yes... another week, another episode of The Real World. In the opening sequence, we had to witness Margaret, for the second time this season, bird-watching while walking through the park. And let's face it. Having to watch Margaret is boring enough. But having to watch Margaret watch birds? <yaaawn>. I just don't get it. Are Bunim-Murray actually TRYING to drive their viewers away, or are they just trying to boost business for their friends over at Vivarin?

Tonight's episode opened with Teck at a Pharcyde concert. He was backstage filming all the action with his camcorder (he really should have been home, filming Colin and Amaya trying to log onto Priceline.com on the internet. Talk about the blind leading the blind. It could have won the $100,000 grand prize on America's Funniest Home Videos.)

   Amaya: "What's this?"

   Colin: "I don't know, I think it's the mouse. It's equivilant to the computer's WEINER. Haha, I said WEINER again!"

   Amaya: "Oh, I see. And what's this?"

   Colin: "That's the thing you push to make the letters come out."

Cut to Teck and Margaret driving in the soccer-mom caravan. Margaret looked as stupid as ever, with a flower behind her ear, and a bedazzler jewel in the middle of her forehead. Someone REALLY needs to teach Marge about the benefits of "showers" - she is looking more rank than usual. For the past 2 weeks, she has been all but buried under body glitter and hair grease. Anyway, she told Teck that she called Jafari (that random dork who took her to the Janet Jackson concert). Teck told her it was because she wanted a "piece of ass", but she said, "No, I called him because I just really wanted to hear a voice of reason." Hmm, I'm hearing my very own "voice of reason" right now, actually. It's saying, "Jill! Stop watching this rotten show."

Wouldn't you know it? Tre, the lead singer from Pharcyde, ended up at the same club as the Real Worlders. Margaret made her way over to Tre faster than Amaya could say "Shoompy Woopy," and it was love at first sight - real world style, of course. Margaret said, "I just looked at him, and I knew there was a reason he was standing there." Umm, yeah, maybe it's because he would be making a bit of a scene if he was the only one SITTING on the floor in the middle of the bar. In any event, after some brief boring conversation, the lovebirds ended up back at the Real World house where Margaret attempted to dazzle him with more of her painful pontifications. She said, "At night, I feel like no one exists. I covet silence." Poor Tre looked more bewildered than Justin in a room of playboy bunnies, so he did the only thing he could have done... he looked at Margaret, smiled, and said, "uhh, me too." In a confessional, Margaret said, "I've come to realize that the effort required to keep people away is a huge burden." Oh, trust me, Margaret does not have to extend as much of an effort as she think. I'm sure most people instinctively know to stay away from her. Plus, the funk she expels probably has a lot to do with it as well.

In the next scene, Teck checked the mailbox and came running into the house clutching a manilla envelope. Yep, that could only mean one thing - the real worlders are going on vacation. They get to go anywhere in the world, and they have to unanimously decide their destination within 24 hours. Colin said, "I wanna go to a place I wouldn't normally go to!" Hmm, like outside the house while the sun is out, or more than 4 steps away from Amaya? Anyway, Matt tried to be funny, and said, "Hey!! Let's go to Russia so Ruthie can drink Boris Yeltzin under the table!" Are those really the words of encouragement he should be giving to Ruthie? Scratch that, I think they should go to Zimbabwe so Matt can get run over by a herd of wild elephants, and then devoured by a pack of hungry lions.

(I have to interject here. Am I the only one who thinks it's absolutely RETARDED these people are going away on a "vacation?" Please. As it is, they get to spend 6 months in a multi-million dollar beach house in HAWAII. I think MTV should send them all to Boise, Idaho for a week. They can have a fun contest to see who can grow the biggest potato. Or how about Trenton, New Jersey, the murder capitol of the U.S.? Now THAT would be some great TV. "Next week on the Real World - Amaya gets shot in her left breast and Colin has to carry her and the stuffed bunny to a hospital that is 8 blocks away...")

Margaret and Justin went to look at a Hawaiian-based quilt made in memory of people who died of AIDS. The whole experience was apparently too much for Marge to handle... she looked more stressed out than an anorexic in a house of mirrors. Justin couldn't make her feel better with his words, so he walked over "laid" her." Margaret said, "I was fascinated with death until I saw it - and that's why I don't want to have sex!" That totally sounded like someone died while having sex with her (and why wouldn't that surprise me <gag>).

Matt, Ruthie, and Justin travelled to Diamond Head, another one of Hawaii's national parks. Once they got there, they whipped out the map and discussed their travel plans. Justin talked for an hour about how much he wanted to see India. Matt jumped in and said, "I think we have some pull here, since we just hiked up to the top of the world." HAHAHAHAH. They climbed up, like, 20 steps. That only qualifies as "the top of the world" to an absolute moron like Matt.

Cut to Margaret scribbling something in her journal, as she told the confessional cameras "I like to write. I also like hearing myself talk, and showing off my naked inverted boobies to strangers." Her new motto is, "Hey, if Kathy Muller can't get you a job acting, start reading your pseudo-intellectual poetry at Local Motion!" She actually got up on stage at the Local Motion... and she sat there, cloaked in her best black feather boa, reading something she wrote about her father, and it went a little something like this:

"Dad, dad, dad. Birds, park, birds. You weren't my Doodles, you were my Dad."

The audience looked stunned as Margaret ran off the stage to go talk to Tre, who had come to see her, uhh, performance. In a voiceover, Margaret said, "Tre is just the person I can express myself to as I am right now. BUUURRRRPP." After Tre went back to his hotel, Margaret said, "I feel like I should do something, I'm walking around here like an idiot!" I couldn't have said it better myself. She proceeded to say, "I feel like I am smiling for the first time in my life, in a different way!" Whatever. Her lips went from their normal "frownlike" position to a more "neutral" position. There was definitely no smile. If I ever saw that girl laugh or smile whole-heartedly, I think I'd die of shock.

Cut to the group talking about their trip. Teck wanted to go somewhere where there were strip clubs (cause he's straight! he's straight!) Margaret joined Justin and really started pushing India... cause hell, she came to the conclusion that she could wear her tacky looking bedazzler bindhi jewel in the middle of her forehead there and feel right as home (whereas here, frankly, it only gets her made fun of by every person who watches the show.) To make a long story short, the group agreed on India... which made Justin happier than a fat man at an all-you-can-eat buffet. Wow. India. How..... exciting....... <zzzzzzzz.>

Next, Justin, Margaret, and Matt (do you see a pattern here???) went to the big island because, as Marge put it, they were "sick of seeing plastic Waikiki." I'm honestly sick of hearing these people complain - you're in Hawaii. Go get some sun. Walk on the beach. Eat a damn coconut. Do SOMETHING. Anyway, Margaret mentioned she needed time away "to reflect." Oh yeah. She really needs time away from all the rocket science she's been doing in over the past 8 weeks. She said, "I want nature to take over!" and then - they happened - the most hysterical moments of the episode... cheesy music began playing, and we were forced to watch black and white flashback scenes of Tre and Margaret hanging out. I didn't know if I was watching the Real World, or a really bad episode of Baywatch (and what, might I ask, is the deal with David Hasselhoff? He CAN'T sing. He should stop. Now.)

Once back home, Marge ran back to Tre's side. Do you think she's just milking this for all it's worth, since he's a successful musician? Nahhhh. Anyway, she was telling him about their trip, in sentences that only she could formulate. "We jumped off cliffs and the jump touched me and I just said GO!" and of course, my favorite, '"the water was soooo tumultuous." Someone, anyone, pass me a barfbag. After tonight's episode, who wouldn't need one.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI award!

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARD!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: Who else but MARGARET could win this week? Why? Because she's Margaret. After watching tonight's episode, do we really need more of an explanation?!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: MARGARET gets this one tonight as well. However, I couldn't decide on any ONE comment that annoyed me more than any others - basically, every word that left her mouth tonight was downright vomit-worthy. "I want nature to take over?"  "I covet silence?"  "I am queen of ruining the mood?" HAHA. You can say THAT again.

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, never tell an alcoholic she should travel to Russia to outdrink Boris Yeltzin... that's just not a good thing...

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"I want nature to take over!"