EPISODE #814

 (alternatively titled: "Local Motion talent show: People with actual talent need not apply!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: 1) After watching tonight's episode, I found myself wondering... does ANYONE in Hawaii have talent?!? Or do the people with talent just not hang out at the Local Motion? So far, we've seen three horrendous singers who tried to spread the word that "Jesus Loves You, " and Auggie T, a comedian who was recently voted "Stupider than Carrot-Top." Just when I thought the Real Worlders had scraped the bottom of the talent bowl, they surprised me tonight with some painfully bad freestyle rappers and a Michael-Jackson-moonwalkin' 8 year old girl. Where did they find these people??  2) Is it me, or does Matt's new and even SHORTER haircut make his ears look absolutely tremendous?? Ooh, wait, I feel a Local Motion performance coming on! "When I say DUM, you say BO! Dum! Bo! Dum! Bo!" Wow, that was really, really bad. I'd be perfect for their talent show! Damn, if only I was in Hawaii 4 months ago, maybe I could have beaten that 8 year old female Michael Jackson impersonator.....

Ah yes... another week, another episode of The Real World. Tonight, the first words out of Matt's mouth were, "I look at Sara (Ruthie's twin) and see the beauty of Ruthie and the potential of availability."  Well, I look at Matt and see "the intelligence of a stick of butter with absolutely no potential for anything." But seriously, could Matt be a little easier to read? He's so pathetically predictable. There are just some things everyone on this Earth knows: 1) The sun will rise in the morning. 2) The sun will set in the evening. 3) Matt will fall for Ruthie's heterosexual twin sister.

Ruthie went to tell Calvin she wasn't going to be working for him anymore. He replied, "That's okay. You always will have a friend in me, even though you humiliated my girlfriend when you shoved your nasty black underwear in her face." What a guy. Must be that whole "Spirit of Aloha" thing again ("You're late to your first meeting. No problem! Here's a caravan!") Next, the other roommates had a meeting with Calvin to discuss future promotions for the Local Motion. I cringed when Calvin threw out the idea of a talent show, given the not-so-wonderful acts we've seen there in the past.

After the first commercial break, Matt accepted an invitation to go to dinner with Ruthie and Sara (another shocker). Matt said the only reason he went was so he could "observe" Ruthie. Observe her doing what? Wolfing down a plate of Pork Fried Rice? The boy is so full of crap. Matt asked, "Are you gonna be living in the house?" and Ruthie replied, "You kicked me out, you miss me!" Matt casually neglected to mention that everyone in the house was actually enjoying their time there without her.

Next, Colin went to get his passport photo taken. He sat in the seat, fixed his hair, and conjured up a mental pic of Amaya's stuffed bunny burning in a bonfire as he sat on an island with only 52 rolls of toilet paper, some pez, and a male friend. The huge, cheesy Ricky Martin-esque smile on his face said it all. [When asked who he would want to be stranded on an island with in his E! online interview, Colin responded with, "a male friend." Wouldn't most guys his age say "a playboy model" or something?]

Next, Dr. Ansdell paid the roommates a friendly little visit to give them a slide show of what to expect in India. Slide one: a really, really frightening picture of the flesh falling off of a woman's grossly obese lower legs. Slide two: lots and lots of Hindus wearing bindhis. Slides three through eight: simulated pictures of the castmembers hovered around outdoor port-o-pots, stricken with nausea and diarrhea from the fine Indian cuisine they had consumed just a few hours earlier. Teck didn't seem to mind any of it. He said, "If I get sick, I'll just walk around with a diaper on!" Well, you know what they say about "acting your age," so I think things will work out nicely.

Cut to Matt in a confessional, talking about Sara. He said, "I like Sara! My heart is racing just thinking about her!" Funny how Ruthie was old news once her new-and-improved non-lesbian counterpart walked in the door, isn't it? And once again... there was Matt, wearing that terrible green terrycloth shirt while he was on the phone with Sara. It should be a crime to be as clueless as this boy is.

Ah yes, it was once again time to go to work. Good ol' Marge and Teck started auditioning people for the talent show. Let's see... we heard a Hawaiian rapper perform some freestyle that was more painful to listen to than that horrendous "Abercrombie and Fitch" song ("New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits, Chinese food makes me sick!") We also saw a snippet of the 8 year old female Michael Jackson impersonator (the bedazzled glove on her left hand was handmade with love by Margaret). The cameras zoomed in on Amaya coating on some more white eyeshadow as she said, "I haven't even talked to anybody about the order of the talent show!" You don't say. It's kind of hard to get work done when your face is shoved in a mirror, isn't it?

After the last set of commercials, Amaya got up on stage to host the "Fashion Show." This was an absolutely hysterical scene. Amaya introduced the castmembers, as they came strutting out wearing clothes from Local Motion. Although Margaret was trying to look like a runway model, she looked more like a model for Rosie O'Donnell's new line of clothes at K-Mart. Colin strutted out with another cheesy smile on his face, looking like an absolute moron. And as Teck came out wearing a wetsuit, Amaya said, "Teck is making this outfit look sexy as only he can!" (Translation: "Teck looks like ass in this wetsuit, and you will too, so don't bother shelling out the $84 to buy one. Okay? Okay! Oh guys, by the way, I'm going to see the TAJ MAHAL!")

It was then time for Teck to host the "Talent Show." The first contestant was a girl named Tomboy (what kind of name is Tomboy?) She wow'ed the crowd with this little number: "Say ho! I'm the girl! Ho!" I kept waiting for someone to bang a gong, and for rodeo clowns to appear and rush her off the stage, but I had no such luck. We saw little snippets of some other performers, but inevitably, the 8 year old moonwalker stole the show. In any event, watching paint dry would have been more amusing than watching the entertainment served up by the Real Worlders.

Amaya, Colin, and Matt decided to take a trip to Costco to snag some stuff for their trip to India. Amaya said, "I plan on not eating the entire time I'm in India!" as she loaded up her carriage with crackers, cookies, and chocolate. (Hey Amaya? Just so you know... here on Earth, those things do indeed qualify as food.)  Amaya was also clutching two value-sized boxes of Trident gum, so she is either trying to conceal some very bad breath, or she plans on supporting the gum habits of everyone in India. Matt said, "Don't give the people of India Trident.Give them something nutritional... like this 48 gallon pretzel keg that's on sale for $83.35!"  Colin wasn't amused, so he jumped on the store's P.A. system and announced, "May I have the attention of everyone in the store? There is a sale going on... 96 rolls of toilet paper for just $74! Go buy it! Cause hey, you gotta wipe your ass!" There was enough toilet paper in Colin's carriage to last him, and all of India, well into the next century.

Next, Sara called Matt with a message from Ruthie. Turns out Matt's little plan backfired in his face. Because Matt delivered the ultimatum speech, Ruthie thinks he betrayed her. We did learn from Marge that Ruthie opted to go into the clinic for 30 days so she could get back all of those "opportunities" she was talking about last week. Opportunities for what? To rot on her drunk, nicotine-ingesting ass all day? To give stripteases to unsuspecting, uninterested heterosexual women at night? Those are the only opportunities she was exploiting, that's for damn sure.

Matt called Sara from the airport and told her, "I did not betray Ruthie. Everything I did came from love and support... however all of that was superseded by my desire to get in her pants." As Matt was on the phone, Teck (sporting his new Latrell Spreewell hair braids) was pushing Colin around the airport in a baggage carriage. I bet those boys sure do make their Mama's proud.

Amaya was out to prove to everyone that she is, indeed, psychic. She exclaimed, "I have a feeling that something is going to happen on this trip!" Gee, you don't say! What a groundbreaking statement!  One thing's for sure... Amaya shouldn't be expecting a call from Dionne Warwick anytime soon.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI award!

Stay tuned... cause next week on the Real World, it's one big episode of WHERE'S WALDO (modified slightly to WHERE'S MARGARET? She blends in perfectly amongst the sea of saris and bindhis). Also, Justin suddenly turns on Amaya and hey, that always spells F-U-N.

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARD!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: I'm getting sick of constantly giving this award to Matt, but hey, what's fair is fair.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Did you all hear Matt's rambling speech to Sara while he was driving her home in the caravan? He said, "I am gonna write a book called 'guy meets three sisters, guy tries to help two of the falling sisters, guy persists until the stable sister gives in and falls for him!'" Two words: VOMIT WORTHY.

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, if you have no talent and you've already been turned down by Kathy Mueller, just go to the Local Motion! You'll fit in just fine.

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"I wanna see the Taj Mahal!!"