EPISODE #815

 (alternatively titled: "Blow-pops: tasty treat or Indian dentist's worst nightmare?!")

PRE-REVIEW NEWS FLASH:  This just in! Our sources tell us that Justin, formerly of the Real World Hawaii, secretly conspired with mother nature herself to create FLOYD, the hurricane that is currently wreaking havoc in the Atlantic. It appears that Justin wanted to get back at his kindergarten teacher, who moved to Florida to retire, because she was an "egocentric, shallow thinking, pathetic old hag who didn't recognize his genius." (Well, either that, or he was just bored and thought it would be fun to watch a category five hurricane ruin the lives of thousands of people.)

Let's think about this season's castmembers for a moment here. First, we all grew to loathe Margaret and her bedazzled psychobabble. Then, we grew to despise the Ruthie, the drunken sloth who doesn't believe in personal hygiene. Of course, we all grew tired of Colin and Amaya's snooze-worthy third grade relationship. And most recently, we've grown to simply detest poor, pathetic Matt. But THIS week, Justin joined the ranks of the other obnoxious real worlders, and showed us just why Bunim-Murray picked him: He, too, is a severely messed up nutjob.

This week, we also saw some frightening clips of Justin... and no, I'm not talking about those up-close shots of his nose, either. I don't get it. Just when I thought he was the only "normal" one on the show, he had to go and morph into the Anti-christ. What happened?! Did the ink from the "indian welcome" bindhi go straight to his brain? Did he start listening to his Marilyn Manson records backwards? ("manipulate! everyone is an enemy!") Did someone secretly replace his Folgers Crystals with a drug that turns you into an evil psychopath? Or is he simply this obnoxious?

Ah yes... another week, another episode of the Real World. This week, the real worlders took on India (and frankly, I'm surprised they made it there alive. Justin actually pushed his way into the cockpit and coerced the pilots to do a bunch of shots with him, because he thought it would be "entertaining" to watch the pilots struggle to fly the large craft while severely wasted.) The cameras panned around the streets of India and captured scenes of children playing in fountains, monkies begging for food, and Justin running around taping "KICK ME" signs on the locals' backs.

Cut to Amaya handing out Blowpops, her "most favorite treat on the face of the planet," to children in the streets. The new Evil-Justin rolled his eyes and said, "What an idiot, she is handing out blowpops to all these kids with rotten teeth!" Apparently Justin opened up their mouths to perform a quick dental exam before retiring to the "Palace on Wheels" for the evening. But seriously, even IF these children had rotten teeth, we are talking about ONE blowpop here. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that in the grand scheme of things, ONE blowpop won't have any effect on the kids' teeth. Boy, it's a good thing Justin will probably never have children of his own. It'd be a pain in the ass to have him as a father, wouldn't it? ("I SAID NO FOOD AT ALL! IT ROTS YOUR TEETH! You may only eat through your feeding tube!"  "Aww, but dad!")

Justin and Margaret shared a room together on the train (basically because no one else would sleep next to these two freakshows.) Justin spent 20 minutes telling Margie how much he hated all of the roommates, and said he wanted to go out of his way to cause problems for them. He specifically had it in for Amaya, and said, "If we have any downtime on this train, the bitch is going down!" Ouch! He then reached into his bag and pulled out an "Amaya VooDoo doll" (complete with the twins and excess white eyeshadow), and stuck several large pins through its heart. Meanwhile, on the other side of the train, Amaya burst into tears and clutched at her chest. She then called home to say, "Mom, I'm having that trouble with my heart again!"  Hmm, the secret is out... it was EVIL JUSTIN all along.

Next, the roommates went on an elephant ride. Colin hated the ride, because it made his "butt cheeks sweat" as he so eloquently put it. Sigh. Don't you think there are some things that are better left unsaid? Or wait, was that supposed to be some of the "humor" that got him on the show in the first place? Wow. How, uhh, funny. I haven't heard a joke of that caliber since I was in the 3rd grade. Anyway, after the ride, Teck started rapping and beat-boxing for a group of Indian guys. He single-handedly did wonders for our country's image when he made them scream "Peace Out!" I was overcome by the need to fly out to India and track these men down, to assure them not all Americans are as irritating and clueless as Teck is.

Anyway, in the confessional, Justin gave a very brief, yet very entertaining, analyzation of each real worlder: "Matt is fundamentally weak. Amaya is pathetic and pitiable. Colin maintains a certain inconsequentialness. Kaia exudes an intense self-centeredness, and Teck's schtick has become so tired it's comatose. I have never been around a group of people who are this self centered and thoughtless." Unfortunately, Justin merely regurgitated the painfully obvious. I was hoping he'd reveal some embarrassing secrets about these people, like "Colin secretly likes to wear women's underwear" or "Margaret was born a hermaphrodite." Darn.

Cut to Justin and Margaret on the train again. Justin said, "We have got to have some fun. There are cool ways of having fun!" I suddenly felt like I was watching a really bad after school special. I was waiting for Justin to peer-pressure Marge into snorting heroin or something ("all the cool kids do it!") Instead, Justin decided it would be "fun" to ruin Colin and Amaya's relationship. Why? Quite simply, because he is a pathetic, manipulative freak with no life of his own. Justin tried to justify his sick and twisted motives by saying, "It is noble for the stronger to pick on the weaker!" At that moment, I was hoping Mike Tyson would beat his door down and kick his ass. Hey, that'd be the NOBLE thing for Mike to do, wouldn't it?

Justin whipped out a brochure called "A Million and One Fun Things To Do In India." Justin's eyes widened with excitement as he read Fun Thing #23635 - "Be a spiteful bastard and ruin the relationships of your friends!" Wow, you can have fun in India without even leaving your train! So Justin called Colin into his bedroom, sat him down, and talked to him about his relationship with Amaya. Justin said, "You're both dependent on each other. She's f-cked up in the head." Hi, Pot? This is the Kettle. You're BLACK. Justin then told Colin he should make a clean break from Amaya. But Colin is too strong to be this easily swayed, right?

HAHAH. Whatever. The pathetically weak Colin immediately started distancing himself from Amaya as if she had the plague. He went from watching sunsets with Amaya to riding camels with Teck. He said, "When I am with Teck, I have so much fun!" Oh, please. This is what, the second or third time we've seen him do ANYTHING with Teck? Regardless, it is laugh-out-loud pathetic how easily Colin's mind was swayed. I've said it before and I'll say it again: he needs to get a BACKBONE. Run, Colin, run! I hear they're giving them away for free this week at 7-11 with the purchase of a big gulp!

Colin continued to ignore Amaya. Evil-Justin's plan was working! He once again whipped out the Amaya VooDoo Doll and stuck a few pins through its head. Amaya suddenly came down with a mysterious illness, which included her making "pouty lips" at Colin, and throwing his stuff across the room. Justin then made his way to Amaya's room. "Colin is being mean to me," she said. "I wonder why he is acting funny towards you," Justin said, playing dumber than Pamela Anderson on Jeopardy. In just a fraction of a second, Justin's already disfigured nose grew 4 whole inches.

Cut to Margaret in the confessional. She said, "I learned a lot about how to be manipulative, and I don't want to be like that." Whatever. Margaret is the most insecure hypocrite I have ever seen. She was there, giggling along, as Justin was revealing his plans to her. She didn't try to stop him. In fact, she actually ENCOURAGED him. But now, she secretly doesn't want any part of it? Put a sock in it, Margie. All of the world is on to you.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI award!

Stay tuned... cause next week on the Real World, the slow Real Worlders are finally onto the human freak of nature, Justin! He utters the words, "I wanna go home!" Aww, poor baby's gonna go crying all the way back to Harvard. What's wrong! Can you dish but not take?

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARD!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *MANIPULATIVE* character ever: JUSTIN gets his own special award tonight. What could be worse than a backstabbing friend?? Take some ethics classes at Harvard, Justin, you pathetic snake.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Justin... "I wonder why Colin is acting funny towards you?!"  Yeah, whatever could it be, you lying freak of nature?

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, if you pass Justin on the street, just keep walking!

back to the REAL WORLD HAWAII Episode Guide

"Anyone got a blow pop for me?"