EPISODE #816

 (alternatively titled: "And this little piggy [named Justin] cried WEE WEE WEE all the way home....")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: I can't even believe this, but they are auctioning off COLIN'S COMFORTER at Ebay. I'm just too disturbed by this... I can't talk about it any longer... the world is a scary, scary place.

Ah yes... another week, another dose of The Real World. Tonight's episode started off with Amaya talking on the phone to Pam, one of her sorority galpals. Amaya said, "Like dude, in India, Colin suddenly got very nasty. He wouldn't let me ride his camel, and he wouldn't share his curry rice.I'm totally buggin'. I haven't eaten solid food for a week and I think the twins are shrinking!"  Good ol' Pam told Amaya just what to do: "Girlfriend, dump this zero and I'll fix you up with a Zeta Psi who can do a 93 second kegstand!" Amaya was thrilled by the offer, but deep down inside, she still had feelings for her one and only "shoompy woompy" (is that a close relative of an "oompa loompa"?)  She decided to give him the benefit of the doubt - and went to talk to him about his behavior during the trip.

   Amaya: "Why did you start being mean to me?"

   Colin: "Justin made me do it! he told me that if I didn't start being mean to you, he'd put a curse on me that'd cause my mole to grow and grow, until it eventually covered my entire face! If that happened, no girls would ever go near my weiner, and I'd turn into a pathetic slug like Matt."

   Amaya: "Is that all? What a relief. I thought you saw the fat rolls on my stomach and got scared away. Well then, let's go cuddle on the hammock."

   Colin: "Yay! But only if the stuffed bunny can come...."

Cut to Justin on the phone with his mother. Poor Justin. He received some tragic, tragic news. I'm tearing up just thinking about it. It turns out his mother's cousin's doctor's neice's hairdresser's baby's father has a painful, recurring hangnail. How absolutely awful. But wait! It's a convenient excuse for Justin to leave the house! However could Justin live with himself if he didn't run home to be with his family during such a horrible time?

Next, Colin and Amaya started talking in the confessional, and they FINALLY figured out what Justin was up to in India (since they're both sharing that one braincell, it apparently takes them a little longer to figure stuff out). Colin said: "Justin's goal is to manipulate the weak people around him... like ME." At that point, Amaya reached into her bag and pulled out a neatly wrapped gift and handed it to Colin. His eyes lit up, as he ripped open the present faster than Matt could scare away a potential girlfriend. When he saw what Amaya had bought for him, he was overcome by joy. He hugged Amaya and exclaimed, "YES!! A backbone! How did you know I wanted one of these! Cool! Wait till I show my mommy!" After that, Colin and Amaya went to a toy store to buy Justin a "red ryder BB gun" in hopes that he'd "shoot his eye out." Nothing like sweet revenge, a-la "A Christmas Story."

Colin decided to go talk to Margie about her role in all of these shenanigans. Of course, being the two-faced wench that she is, she claimed she had no part in any of it. She said, "Justin just likes to hurt others. It's all for his pleasure, because he's bored." Bored? Go play solitaire. Climb a tree. Dye your hair a normal color. Find a handsome boy to make googly-eyes at. Don't try to wreck and ravage the relationships of your "friends." Colin and Amaya's relationship is painful enough as it is, without us having to witness even more "on-again off-again" crap.  THANKS A LOT, JUSTIN.

After the first set of commercials, the Real World re-opened with a frighteningly up-close shot of a fat man on a bicycle's asscrack. Yes, it was gross. Yes, it was rather disturbing. There was lots of HAIR involved... need I say more? Definitely not a pretty sight. Anyway, Colin and Amaya went on a trip to Kauai to "get away"  (isn't that why they were in INDIA less than 36 hours ago??) The two were hiking down some dirt trail as Amaya complained that her feet hurt from the white strappy sandals she was wearing. She also had this ridiculous looking leopard purse around her neck. Normally I'd make a joke about this, but Amaya did that for me. She said, "With this purse on, I look like my name should be BIANCA." And Amaya single-handedly pissed off 85% of Florida's population when she said, "With these sandals, I'm walking like a little old lady with poop in her pants!" So Amaya connects "old ladies" with "poopy pants"? I don't get it. A two year old, yes. But an old lady? Eek, gross. What kind of nasty pant-pooping old ladies are hanging around Amaya's sorority house, anyway? <shaking head with wonder>

Cut to Justin and Marge driving in the soccer-mom caravan. Justin asked Marge if she wanted to hang out later. Marge paused, and said, "No, I have to, uhhh, ummmm, wash my hair! Yeah, that's it."  The lightbulb went off inside Justin's mind that Marge was lying, since he hadn't seen the girl within 50 feet of a shampoo bottle since he's known her. Obviously, good ol' Margie was trying to distance herself from Justin so she wouldn't go down with his sinking ship. Later in the evening, Marge was nowhere to be found. Justin asked Teck, "Have you seen Marge? I'm worried about her. She's been acting strange. This afternoon, she left the house without her bindhi. And thismorning, when she didn't think I was looking, I swear I saw her crack a smile." While Teck agreed that definitely qualified as suspicious behavior, he calmed Justin down and told her she was just "pulling a Justin" and looking for a little privacy.

Cut to Amaya and Colin sitting next to each other on the beach in Kauai. The whole scene just looked like something from a really bad Britney Spears video. Amaya was scribbling in her journal, while Colin tried to guess what she was writing. Amaya said, "I am writing that I can't believe you came out of the closet to me last week." Damn, Amaya's stealing all of my jokes. Maybe she should start writing this column?  Of course, she was just joking. But thanks to the miracle of VCR Freeze-Frame, I managed to make out what she had scribbled down in the journal:  "Dear Diary: Thismorning before we left, I slipped laxatives in Justin's coffee to get back at him. But I think Colin drank it! Oh my god, what have I done! What have I done!"   Amaya and Colin then had another brief conversation:

     Amaya: "It's so pretty here."

     Colin: "No, YOU'RE pretty."

     Amaya: "Don't say what you don't mean."

     Colin: "Uhh - is there a bathroom around here? I really gotta do a number two..."

     Amaya: "Oh Colin, you're so romantic! <sigh>"

Meanwhile, back home, Justin received some more bad news from his mom: his Great Aunt Gladys had pancreal cancer. SURE. Please. I don't buy this story or Justin's feigned emotions for one second. I question whether Gladys even EXISTS. How could we believe Justin, someone who has proved himself to be such a lying psychopath? And besides, just a few hours earlier, he and Marge were trying to think up excuses he could use to get out of the house early. Marge told Justin to say he severely pulled his groin after spending a weekend at Richard Simmon's summer home on Maui, but Justin didn't think the roommates would buy it (hell, I'd buy that story, wouldn't you?) So instead, we've received the "Gladys" story.

After the last set of commercials, we saw Justin frantically packing all his bags. He told Matt, "I'm leaving on Friday but I've got to spend some time with you and Marge before I go."  Not surprisingly, Matt flashed Justin his one universal facial expression and agreed to hang out with him. Meanwhile, Colin was in the next room flinging the balls all over the pool table, desperately trying to figure out just what purpose the pool cues served. Once he figured out that Justin was leaving, Colin said, "Wow, so THAT'S why all those boxes filled with Justin's stuff were in the hallway!" No, he's definitely not the sharpest tool in the shed. He then treated us to some more of his humor, and said, "It's like musical chairs of the roommates!" Hee Hee, what a gut-buster of a joke that was, eh? Jeez, I'm still laughing. Give me a minute to recover. (time passes).....

Colin decided to play a little mindgame of his own. He pulled Justin aside, and said, "So, what's with your relationship with Marge? It's obviously deteriorated..."   Justin looked more uncomfortable than Leonardo DiCaprio trapped in a room with a woman. Colin then told Justin all the mean things Marge said about him. By this point, I felt like I was watching a really bad episode of Springer. Justin said, "I don't want to see Marge before I leave! I feel so used!"  Ahh, everybody, on the count of three.  1.... 2... 3..... "AWW, POOR JUSTIN."  In the famous words of Alicia Silverstone, "What-Ever."

Cut to Marge walking in on Justin packing his bags. She said, "You're leaving today? You mean, someone's dying all of a sudden? <wink, wink>" Justin was unamused (what a shocker). In a confessional, he said, "For her to secondguess me... that's damning in my book!" Hmm, what book is he reading? Remind me to RUN if I ever see it on the coffeetable in someone's home. Marge then handed Justin an envelope containing pictures of the threesome she, Justin, and Cabu the Camel had on their last night in India. She had also written her address on the envelope. What a nice gesture, considering 3 minutes ago she told Colin she wanted nothing to do with him because he had severe issues.

And next, we saw Marge in a confessional wearing a headband across her forehead that seemingly held a large, chunky bedazzler in place in the middle of her forehead. Honestly, I don't even remember what she said, because I was so transfixed on this unbelievably hideous looking new piece of jewelry. Oh Margie, you're such the little trendsetter.

In the last scene of the night, we saw Justin wandering around the house checking out every room, as black and white flashback scenes of Ruthie passed out in the tub were shown. The way things were going, I was expecting to see Bette Midler kick down the front door and bust into chorus of "Memories."

So, Justin's gone. Don't cry. I'm sure we'll see him soon... on a "World's Most Dangerous Police Chases" FOX special or something.

And that, my friends, brought another week of Real-World Hawaii drama to an end. And now onto the almighty TIKI awards!

(Next week: be sure to MISS the real world. We're in for another boring episode of Colin and Amaya's 3rd grade crap.)

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *DISTURBING* character: I've gotta give this award to the hairy "ASS CRACK" guy on the bicycle  <shudder>. I think I'm scarred for life. I haven't seen that much crack since the plumber who came to fix the leaky sink in the school's bathroom when I was in 7th grade.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: COLIN, to Amaya: "You're so pretty."  Will you make up your damn mind, you freak? Stop being so absolutely pathetic, and stop playing these obnoxious vomit-worthy games.

This is MTVixen Jill sayin'... see ya next week... and remember, if Amaya ever offers you a cup of coffee... DON'T DRINK IT...

back to the REAL WORLD HAWAII Episode Guide

"Aww! A backbone! You shouldn't have!"