EPISODE #819

 (alternatively titled: "Rejects of the world: UNITE!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: Things that crossed my mind while watching tonight's episode: 1) I didn't plan on having to say it again, but, "This was, by far, the most BORING episode of the Real World that I have ever seen...." 2) Margaret's bindhi looks even stupider next to her eye than it does on her forehead. 3) Colin's friends are not only rejects, but the dorkiest rejects I've ever seen. 'Nuff said. 4) If Dad is "Doodles" - is Mom "Moomles?"  5) Colin covered his penis with shaving cream in his Real World audition tape, yet he wondered WHY he was rejected?  6) 900 people showed up for the boat cruise. At $20 bucks a head (what they charged), that comes out to $18,000! Why, on earth, did the charities only receive $2000 each?? The boat sure the hell didn't cost $16,000 to rent! Charity my ASS!

Ah yes, another week, another episode of the Real World. The real worlders teamed up with Local Motion to throw a boat cruise to "raise money for charity." Right... if the charity was "Calvin's kid's college fund." In the opening scene, the roommates were laboring harder than Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshop workers, making Boat Cruise t-shirts. The front of the shirt read "Local Motion" and the back read, "All proceeds go to the Ruthie Alcaide Foundation - purchasing clean underwear for needy drunken bisexual whores worldwide!" Hmm, I think I'd like to make a donation....

Colin and Amaya went to the children's center to "see who they were raising money for." They felt right at home there amongst the children and all the fun toys. Amaya made a break for the legos in the corner, while Colin started playing ball with a little girl. Although it was sad to see a sick child with a tube up her nose, it was hysterical to see her throw the ball at Colin's head. Rumor has it the resonating echo from the ball hitting Colin's empty head could be heard up to a mile away. Coincidentally, Colin saw the little girl made a "bunny" out of play-dough. After "kissing" it for several minutes (as Amaya has him conditioned to do), he grabbed the clay bunny, balled it up, molded it carefully, and exclaimed, "I made a clay weiner! I said weiner! hee hee!"  He then put it in his pocket so he could show it to his butt-buddies Trevor and Mike when they arrived.

Ruthie's back - and we know this not because we've seen her, but because the entire cast and crew have taken to wearing gasmasks to protect themselves from the vile stench of her rotting black thong underwear. She said, "Amaya's in a bad mood but I am not the cause of her issues!" Of course not. Amaya was upset because Doodles just told her the easter bunny was fake.

Cut to Matt talking to Ruthie's twin, Sarah, on the phone about raising money for Big Brothers, Big Sisters. He said, "My parents travelled - I was raised by a nanny!" So basically, even Matt's own PARENTS couldn't stand to be around him! Actually, looking back, it's too bad he wasn't raised by a pack of hungry wolves...

That's right, boys and girls, it's time to bring in the rejects! Fellow RW rejects Trevor and Mike were greeted at the airport by the King of all that is Dorky, Colin. He was holding a sign that said, "TREVOR AND MIKE" - just in case Colin himself or the 82 guys with cameras didn't tip them off. The boys screamed at each other more obnoxiously than an acne-faced 12 year old girl requesting a Backstreet Boys video on Total Request Live. After the excitement passed, Trevor's first words were, "Colin, I love your hairstyle, dude!" Colin took one look at Trevor's tacky circa 1982 haircut and said, "Uhh, yeah, yours too..."   Meanwhile, people all over the world were covering their ears to shield themselves from the high-pitched, squeaky sounds that emitted from Trevor whenever he opened his mouth. Eek.

Once at the house, Colin took the rejects on a guided tour. "This is our pond. These are our trees.This is the tub of grease Ruthie bathes in, in liu of showering. This is the pile of fake phone numbers Teck has received from ladies since we got to Hawaii. This is the coffin Margaret sleeps in."  Trevor opened one of the closet doors, and saw Matt quietly standing there. Colin said, "Oh, that's just Matt. We lock him in there whenever we have company so he won't embarass us."  With that, Trevor closed the closet door and proceeded with the tour of the house.

Once in the bedroom, Trevor noticed several nighties and various other girly items strewn around the room. Trevor said, "Is Amaya sleeping in here, or did you finally come out of the closet, dude!? Does this mean we can openly play with the clay weiner?"  Colin took a short ride on the "I'm A Big Fat Liar" Express when he said, "Yeah she is, even though I told her not to."  R-I-G-H-T. In a confessional, Amaya said, "Seeing Colin with Trevor and Mike made me realize how young dorky he is." Really? That's funny, because the rest of the world was tipped off to that juicy little tid-bit quite a while ago. And besides, does Amaya realize just how young and dorky SHE is?

Cut to Margie and Amaya talking in the kitchen. Marge was reading the paper, wearing a heinously ugly pair of small tortoise-shell sunglasses she stole from a homeless child. Marge asked, "What is so annoying about Ruthie?"  Amaya said, "She leaves the toilet seat up after she pees. Her hair leaves greasemarks on the sofa. And I can't stand how she laughs at everyone's jokes!"  Tip of the week: If Amaya wasn't such an annoying, eye-rolling downer who actually laughed once and a while, maybe SHE would've been invited to hang out with the boys, instead of hanging out with MARGARET at the kitchen table.

Anyway. Trevor, being the stud that he is, brought his favorite pair of flowered shorts with him to the big island. Uhh, someone call the police - we have a fashion emergency! Cut to Teck in a confessional, where he said, "Ruthie's back, and she's acting like a lady." Cut to Ruthie in the back yard, slamming beers while scratching her crotch and urinating into the pool. Matt was hiding in the bushes, capturing all the great action on video to watch later that night while alone in bed.

Ruthie, Trevor, Colin, and Mike rented mopeds for the day, but got busted by the cops for riding through the University campus. We were then forced to watch the *dorkiest* footage of real worlders ever captured on video - Colin, Mike, and Trevor sitting in the confessional, with their caps backwards, singing "bad boys." I closed my eyes and made a silent wish that a huge lightening bolt would strike my home, doing severe damage my cable wires. No such luck. The three shmucks then turned to the camera and said, "We are Rejects!"  You can say that again. <shudder>. Three frat-boys singing "Bad Boys" after being busted for riding.... VESPAS. That's some great TV, isn't it?? Wow, I can see why this has been the highest rated season of the Real World ever! (heavy on the sarcasm there, people).

Next came the actual boat cruise, with talent supplied by Local Motion. Good-bye to Auggie T, hello to three Hawaiian guys who cover Tracy Chapman songs. At that point, I wished *I* had a fast car, so I could drive away. Teck and Ruthie started freestyling, while Colin and his friends were doing the "white man's shuffle" in the crowd (which actually looked more like they were having violent epileptic seizures). I even saw Margaret tapping her foot to the rhythm. Ah yes, a good time was had by all.

And that, my friends, brought another (really, really BORING) week of Real World Hawaii drama to an end.

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: THE REJECTS! Colin, Trevor, and Mike, sailed away with this award tonight. Their lame "Bad Boy" antics in the confessional were beyond vomit-worthy.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Colin is just so painfully lame that it irritates me. While at Hooters, he told Amaya, "I don't care if they donate BOOBS if they're going to the children!" Is that the stupidest thing you have ever heard in your life or what??

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