EPISODE #822

 (alternatively titled: "EVERYONE PRAY FOR SARAH!")

PRE-REVIEW COMMENTARY: Revolt. Disgust. Utter fright. The desire to find Matt and scream "I HATE YOU!!" in his face, and then turn around and walk away. The desire to kick Margaret in her shins really, really hard. These are just a few of the feelings that ran through me while watching this scary-as-hell season finale of the (un)Real World Hawaii. What was with Marge on the roof throwing peanuts at Matt? Did she suddenly turn into a disgruntled orangutan when we weren't looking? And Ruthie and Amaya emerging as the "most liked" castmembers? Who woulda thunk it.

Ah yes, another week, another episode of the Real World. I actually liked tonight's episode. It started with Amaya asking Margie, "When have I ever been mean to you?!?"  Marge rolled her eyes, clutched at her neck, and made a few unidentifiable clucking sounds. I couldn't tell if she was really disgusted, or if she was choking on one of those peanuts or something. Darn. Turns out she was just really disgusted  (by what, I have yet to understand.)

Cut to the roommates at Local Motion, discussing plans for their final show. Teck said, "This should be really fun because all the roommates are creative. " That's right, they sure are! I hear Colin can tie a cherry in a knot with his mole, while Matt and Margie can make people projectile vomit with just a look. Amaya can dribble a basketball with "the twins," and Ruthie knows how to turn toilet water into vodka.  Wow, if only we could all have such creative talent.

The next few scenes, quite simply, made me ill. Marge said, "The third week I was here, I had a dream I was intimate with Matt." What's Margie's idea of intimacy, spending more than thirty seconds in a room with someone? Anyway, after that dream, she wrote something in Matt's journal and told him not to read it. Matt didn't read it, because "he follows rules." Hmm. Hey Matt, Simon Says "get in your car and drive to Siberia and never, ever return."  Simon says "seal your mouth with duct tape."  Simon Says "go take a long walk off a short pier."  (Darn, there's that wishful thinking again.)

Cut to Matt and Teck at a thrift store trying on dresses for their Local Motion skit. Teck said, "I just want a dress that screams out Teck Money!"  Actually, I thought the slinky red number he had on screamed "Ru Paul," but hey. Bygones. Before long, we were treated to scenes of Matt and Margie cuddling... and then, there they were... the most haunting words I've ever heard... "I'm being pursued by Kaia."  Ahh! The thought of Marge and Matt hooking up scares me more than any horror movie I've ever seen. Just imagine if they had a child! Here's what it would look like:

Yikes!! Let's hope Matt sticks to what he said in the last episode: "Small penis, clean penis, let's get it on... WITH A CONDOM."  Yeah, because I'd sure hate to run into THAT in a dark alley! (violent shudder.)

Time for the Roommates' (really bad, but what else is new) show at the Local Motion. Ruthie started us off with some horrible freestyle ("My name is Ruthie, I'm not a Hoochie, don't change my black thong, won't touch a guy's schlong...") Teck and Matt did some lame skit dressed as women, and Matt and Marge did some STUPID skit where they ended up kissing. Matt said, "I've done a stage kiss before and this was no stage kiss! This was a tongue jabbing kiss!"  Yeah, right. Like either one of them could open their clenched mouths enough to slip each other the tongue.

Margie then got on stage and recited a really, really bad poem she wrote for Matt. The poem was called BLUE, even though she talked about Matt's damn GREEN shirt. Someone send Marge back to kindergarten, please. Anyway, when she said, "his green terrycloth shirt brightens up the room again and again," Matt made a break for the concession stand and hid under the soda dispenser. He looked more embarrassed than a fat girl on Baywatch. Still, even Marge noticed he wore the damn shirt "again and again." Colin stepped in and said, "I can't picture them in a relationship, they're like the Odd Couple!"  Well, in a way he's right... they're both men... (har har har).

Amaya got on stage and started singing a cheesy song about memories. It was a tragic scene. Mothers were shielding their babies from the broken window glass that was flying through the air, and children were shoving their chewing gum in their ears for a little relief. Before long, everyone in the crowd was scanning the place for the nearest exit. (Okay, fine, maybe I'm being a little harsh, but she was definitely no Whitney Houston. In defense of Amaya, I will say that it took guts to go up there and sing, especially after what these losers were putting her through.)

Before the show ended, Colin grabbed the mic and said, "Amaya, you're a beautiful person and I'll always cherish the time we spent together, even though I'm a hypocrite because I told you 4 hours ago that I couldn't be your friend. The twig, berries, and I will always love you and the twins, even though you let Tony kiss the stuffed bunny."  Okay everyone, on the count of three... 1, 2, 3: "AWWWWWW."

The roommates met with their boss Calvin one more time. Calvin gave them a final piece of advice: "Go chase your dreams!"  Apparently he inspired them more than he knew, because after they left Local Motion, Ruthie hopped on a plane to Russia to challenge Boris Yeltzin to a game of Beer Pong, Teck became a pimp, Colin bought a hot dog cart and started selling weiners on the streets of Hawaii, Amaya became a blackbelt in karate, and Margaret had the sex change she'd been dreaming of for so long. Ah yes, with a little initiative, you too can make your dreams come true!

The roommates had a party back at the house after their performance at the Local Motion. Margaret was too busy cuddling with Matt to go outside and join the festivities. I couldn't believe my ears when she started complaining to him that the people outside were skinnydipping. Suddenly she has a problem with nudity? Hello, I remember a certain someone's pancake chest being blurred out more than once this season, you hypocritical freak of nature.

I don't know about you guys, but I was feeling pretty ill while watching Matt and Marge cuddle on the bed. In fact, it inspired me to write a little poem of my own. It's called "REVOLTING," and goes a little something like this:

.

intertwined legs

intertwined hearts

intertwined souls...

it might be romantic

if the two of you weren't so god damned REVOLTING.

it might be interesting to watch

if the two of you weren't so god damned REVOLTING.

we might be happy for you

if the two of you weren't so god damned REVOLTING.

but you are

and everyone in the world hates you

because

you're so god damned REVOLTING.

the end.

.

Just when I thought I couldn't get any more grossed out, Matt said, "Kaia wants me to have sex with her." Yikes. The thought of the two of them having sex makes me just about as uncomfortable as the thought of my grandmother having sex. Then, Marge and Matt talked a whole lot about Amaya being pathetic, but do they realize how pathetic THEY are? Marge calls Amaya a "slut" but, how many guys has MARGE attempted to lure in since the show started? Way more than Amaya has. And Matt kept saying, "I like Sarah,"  but at the same time, he let Marge crawl so far up his ass that we'd need the jaws of life to pull her out. That's pathetic, if I've ever seen pathetic.

Cut to Matt in a confessional. He said, "When I think of Sarah, I think lust, love, and longterm. When I think of Margaret, I think barfbags, suicide, and rat poison."  Hmm. I just kept chuckling to myself at the fact that Marge got turned down by MATT of all people! Gee, someone's gonna need a heavy duty spatula to scrape her from the bottom of THAT barrel! Hey Margie, I saw a piece of driftwood lying on the beach yesterday... you might wanna try your luck getting THAT to like you... just a suggestion...

(hello? are you people still reading this? hang in there, we're almost done!)

Cut to Amaya in the kitchen wolfing down a bowl of Wheaties in preparation for her big "I'm Gonna Tell You Off" talk with Margaret. Amaya made her way into the living room and asked Marge if she could talk to her. Marge said, "Can we schedule an appointment for later? I'm busy."  Hello, this isn't a doctor's office. Anyway, (insert "Rocky" theme music here), Amaya followed Marge into her room, called her a hypocrite, and said, "I hope you know that when people watch this, you're gonna surpass Kathie Lee Gifford as the most hated personality on TV." Ouch. Low blow! Get 'er, Amaya! I was actually hoping she'd walk up to her and punch her in the face. Darn, just another of those pesky real world fantasies.

Amaya then ran into the confessional and said, "I feel really strong, and I got my strength from the last place I expected... from Ruthie's underwear drawer."  Yikes. Whatever works.

Matt and Ruthie decided to go outside and lie on the hammock. Margaret proved she was more mental than I originally thought when she climbed onto the roof and started throwing peanuts down at Matt. I have no idea what she was doing. Maybe Matt looked like a caged, hungry zoo animal from that angle. No, wait, Matt looks like a zoo animal from pretty much every angle.

During the last commercial break, MTV aired a commercial for the pathetic "Real World Hawaii" house auction that we've been hearing so much about. Here are some of the actual items that were auctioned off, along with their winning bids:

ICE CREAM MAKER - $250!

JUSTIN'S ALARM CLOCK - $400!!!  (oh my god, what nutjob would pay that?)

COLIN'S MISSING BACKBONE - $2,351!

LIVING PARASITES FOUND IN TECK'S BED - $3,124!

THE BLACK FEATHER BOA - No bids have been received. Hmm. Imagine that.

ONE GALLON OF AMAYA'S TEARS - $5,235!

THE CONTENTS OF RUTHIE'S STOMACH PUMP FROM EPISODE #1 - $6,463!

Ah yes. The time has come to say goodbye. Amaya stood out on the balcony and told Ruthie, "I'm gonna miss a lot of things here. Except Kaia. I won't miss that bitch." They all piled onto the bus and traveled to the airport, and one by one they boarded their respective planes. Conveniently, everyone left without hugging Margaret goodbye. Oh well, in the infamous words of Ruthie Alcaide, "What goes around comes around. It's a bitch, ain't it!?"

Before Marge was even home for 5 minutes, she was back on a plane to LA to visit Matt. The whole ride there, she thought of how "pathetic" Amaya was for chasing Colin. Hmm. What's wrong with this picture? I really hope you can all see the insane irony here, and that you can see Marge for the hypocritical, evil wench that she appears to be...

And that, my friends, brought another SEASON of Real World drama to an end.

THE ALMIGHTY TIKI AWARDS!!

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most *ANNOYING* character: It's a two-way tie, just because there's no way in hell that I could decide between Matt and Margie. They were both thoroughly revolting tonight.

This week's ALMIGHTY TIKI award for the most vomit-worthy comment: Matt wins tonight. The winning comment? Take your pick.

   1)  "I'M BEING PURSUED BY KAIA."

   2) "I'M NOT THE TYPE OF GUY WHO LIKES MULTIPLE WOMEN."

   3) (to Sarah on phone) "I'LL WALK OUT IN MY DRESS WITH MY ONE MUSCLE. I ONLY HAVE ONE MUSCLE!!"       (gee, he has one muscle and a small penis. Somebody get me this guy's phone number.)

   4) "I wish I could rip out my heart and ask it questions."  Yeah, and while you're at it, ask it to STOP BEATING.

back to the REAL WORLD HAWAII Episode Guide

"No, no! I'LL get the wigs!"