POPHANGOVER

The episode opened with the announcer revealing that the girls would be staying with the Ritchie family this week. And no, there's no relation to Lionel or Nicole, so don't bother scanning the home's knick-nacks for that heinous clay bust of Lionel's head from the Hello video.

The girls arrived and were greeted by the family. Nicole immediately offered to go ice skating with hockey-obsessed son Jason, since she was apparently once a competitive figure skater. She even has a gold medal! Unfortunately, it was from the "2002 Fellatio Championship," and had nothing to do with her triple salchow.

One of the sons was wearing a scarf inside the house, so either the parents keep the temperature of their place more uncomfortable than Ashlee Simpson's vocal chords pre-SNL, or this kid was en route to audition for a Gap commercial with Sarah Jessica Parker. The choice is yours.

The girls weren't even in the house for 5 minutes before the Ritchie's cat started beating the crap out of Nicole's dog, Foxy. Foxy finally emerged from behind the couch, whining like Angelina Jolie after finding out Cambodia is close to running out of babies for her to adopt. Maybe that's a good thing. Have you seen the mohawk on that poor kid?

After the commercial, Nicole took Foxy to the vet hospital where the host mother, Mrs. Ritchie, worked. The show's announcer said the dog was sure to receive "Rock Star Treatment!" So... what, the dog was handed a pack of smokes, a gram of coke, and told it didn't have to obey the "30 second speech rule" at the Grammys if it didn't want to?

Nicole then explained how the cat scratched her dog's eye. The vet looked at Foxy for 5 seconds and declared, "You know, I think it's just trauma to the eye." The vet then revealed, "Car have wheel. Plane have wing. And Pat Morita is Asian." You don't say.

This week's job? Airport interns. The girls said goodbye to their Manolo Blahniks and huge post-cataract sunglasses and, after spending 8 years in the bathroom, finally emerged in their new job attire. The girls were given bulky firemen-like uniforms, and those little wand-things that the airport grounds crew use to guide planes after they've landed.

So there they were... standing in the middle of the runway sporting their glowing wands, looking more like extras in a rave scene on the set of Queer As Folk episode than anything else. Task one? To lead a plane into the gate. Yeah, cause letting these two idiots have that sort of responsibility sounds really safe, doesn't it? They were running around in circles and frantically waving the wands around like they were being attacked by a flurry of killer bees. I can just hear the poor people on that plane now: "Hey, wait a minute. The gate is that way. Why the hell are we being led towards Vicki's Erotic Playground?"

The girls were then asked to open the plane's "lavatory" door, and use a hose to suck all the piss and crap out. No joke necessary, thankyouverymuch.

Next, the girls had to learn how to drive the luggage cart. Their boss set up an orange-cone obstacle course to test their driving skills. Suddenly and without warning, Mike Brady ran onto the runway with a dozen eggs, one for each cone. What does it mean??

(During the commercial break, we were forced to watch a commercial for Britney Spears' new perfume, "Curious." You know, I'm feeling a bit "Curious" as well... curious as to who the HELL would buy a perfume that smells like the combination of Keven Federline's sweat and stale cigarettes.)

The next day at work, the girls made the transition to customer service. The boss man gave them their new outfits, to which Nicole asked, "Do you have any scissors?" So either she had a sudden hankering to make a paper-doll chain, or she wanted to cut the skirt to expose as much of her bony chicken legs as possible.

The next few minutes were boring, and basically consisted of the girls attempting to be funny by saying "Wow, you're sexy," to bald, fat guys who all seemed to look like Larry Flint after a night of binge drinking with the entire staff of West Coast Choppers. They also spent many minutes scrutinizing people's licenses and identification. Perhaps they were trying to be thorough. Or perhaps they were living out their childhood dreams of becoming a bouncer at a seedy college bar. The choice is yours.

The girls then got on board a plane to do the pre-flight announcements. Paris said, "Enjoy your flight and thanks for flying South Central Airlines." SOUTH CENTRAL AIRLINES? Who the hell were the flight attendants, 50 Cent and his backup dancers? Were the life preservers secretly replaced with bulletproof vests? Was the in-flight movie Boyz in the Hood? South Central Airlines. What a complete retard.

In the last scene of the night, Nicole took one of the boys from her host family out to an ice-skating rink. Completely boring stuff. The two were just spinning around in slooow circles, sort of like a merry-go-round being ridden by all of "The Biggest Losers ." And so I began to wonder, where the hell is Tonya Harding (or Carolina Rhea for that matter) when you need her?

And that brought this week's episode to an end! Stay tuned next week, when the girls intern at a funeral parlor and general wackiness ensues. Oh, I'm counting the minutes.