POPHANGOVER

This week, the girls were staying with the Hirrell family. Classy people, really. Mom uses the stove burner to light her smokes, and in any given 10-minute span Dad expels more carbon monoxide than all of Ford Motor's vehicle testing plants combined. And quite frankly, I was mortified the moment Mom Hirrell opened her mouth to speak. She literally sounded like the lovechild of Harvey Fierstein and Carol Channing. Yowza.

The girls immediately decided they had to intervene, so they marched to the store and purchased enough Nicorette gum and Anti-Smoking patches to assist every single slot-pulling chainsmoker in all of Las Vegas. Mom said, "Hey, aren't these expensive?" Why yes. Yes they are. Unless of course you're Paris or Nicole, and can easily fund Lance Bass's dream-trip to the moon with 3 pairs of your shoes. Then that $49.99 plus tax just doesn't seem so steep anymore now, does it.

Next, the girls found out they'd be interning at Kohner Funeral Home this week. They were immediately mortified, and Nicole exclaimed, "I can't even watch Michael Jackson's Thriller video without being scared." Yeah, neither can I Nicole, except my fear stems more from the way Michael Jackson was shimmying up to that 12-year old boy in the werewolf costume than from the make-up on the un-dead zombies.

For their first task, Paris and Nicole had to transport a coffin into a hurse and then drive it to the cemetary. After 5 minutes of them shrieking more than Johnny Knoxville whilst using his penis as a dog leash for an untamed Great Dane, they finally got the body loaded in. En route to the cemetary, the girls were blasting the radio and dancing to the song Brickhouse. The funeral home director pulled them over and said, "Hey, RESPECT please!" So either he wanted them to hop into a crock pot and simmer down, or brotha-man was having a hankering for a little Aretha. As always, the choice is yours.

The girls were then off to the crematorium to pick up human remains. Some guy was explaining the cremation process to Nicole when she cut him off to ask, "Hey, have you ever heard anyone scream?" What a silly question. Of course he has. The crematorium is right across the street from a Sprint PCS walk-in center. You do the math.

The director instructed Paris and Nicole to transfer the cremated remains from their canisters into urns purchased by the deceased's families. Sounds relatively easy, right? Think again. Cut to what looked like a rejected war scene from Platoon minus one Michael J Fox - sand, dirt, and dead body dust flying around everywhere. Good thing Nicole grabbed a vacuum to clean up the mess, because the floor of that place was one spilled canister away from being mistaken as THE sandbox to pee in by every stray cat in the neighborhood.

Back home, Mom and Dad Hirrell revealed they were still smoking, so the girls decided it was time to bring in a hypnotist. Once they were under, the hypnotist said in a voice so soothing it might actually have caused Robin Williams to chill out, "You will hardly think of smoking. You are in control. You are a winner." Suddenly and without warning, Stuart Smally dove head-first through the window and muttered, "And dog gone it, people like you, even though your lungs are blacker than Puff Daddy's ass." He then mysteriously disappeared.

During the ending credits, FOX revealed that "No bodies or remains were harmed during the filming of this broadcast." So basically, the entire show was FAKE. I'm so shocked! And to think, this whole time I actually believed Paris and Nicole were roughing it for weeks on end? Oh well. I suppose every dream is just a dream after all.

Stay tuned for next week. I have no clue what happens since I couldn't be bothered to watch the previews, but boy oh boy, I'm sure it will be a real treat.