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Another week… another episode of The Mole. Is anyone even watching this show?! Could ABC have given it a more awful time slot?! It’s like they’re sabotaging their own show. Wait… is ABC The Mole?!?
The remaining 7 contestants soon found themselves in the middle of nowhere, standing outside a creepy, roofless building that once held prisoners. In the first mission, called “All For One.” they had their ankles chained to steel bars behind them. (Sounds like a bad Michael Bolton song, doesn’t it?)
Across the room in a separate area sat a key to unlock the chain around their ankles, and an exemption pass. The catch: there was only enough slack in the rope to get one person over there at a time. If someone took the exemption, the remaining players would have to spend the night in the cold. But if everyone got inside by dawn, then $25k would be added to the pot.
If only they made like The Brady’s and looped their belts together to form a long rope, they could have gotten out of there in no time. But no. They had to do it the long, drawn-out boring way. They let Craig go first, because he was still sick and recovering from last week’s “ambulance drama.” He grabbed the key, freed himself, and went inside.
Kristen, Paul, Clay, Nicole, and Alex then made their way across the room and all chose the KEY. It came down to Mark, who was still throwing temper tantrums about his precious journal was burned last week. Being the good guy that he is (read: MOLEY ACTIVITY), he ended up taking the KEY and added $25k to the pot.
After dinner, Jon passed out new journals and the players hopped in the car and headed to Mendoza, Argentina. Before long, Clay and Paul were screaming at each other like a couple of little bitches on a schoolyard playground. Clay called Paul uneducated, Paul called Clay an “ugly mother f-cker,” and I called ABC to tell them this season of The Mole sucks harder than my Hoover vacuum right after I change the filter.
THE CHALLENGE: The next activity was called the “Travelers Mission.” Host Jon told us the leader of the mission would be Craig, because he was the first person to say the word “exemption” at breakfast. This was SO moley. At breakfast, he randomly and out of the blue said, “I think my illness should earn me an exemption.” Who would say that? It was like he knew he had to slip it in, but did so very poorly. VERY MOLEY.
The point of the challenge: using various forms of transportation, as decided by Craig, the teams of 2 would have 45 minutes to travel 5.5 miles from their current location miles to a certain statue. If none of the teams arrived, Craig would receive an exemption.
So what did Craig do to his fellow players? He screwed ‘em like he just got out of prison. He gave them the worst transportation options there to ensure they’d never arrive. He ordered Alex to wear a conquistador’s outfit and Mark to wear full scuba gear. Meanwhile, Kristen had to get there on stilts… Clay on a unicycle… and Nicole/Paul had to get there in a llama’s costume built for two.
Mark immediately threw a fit and said the task was “impossible” and he wasn’t even going to try it (more Moley behavior, very uncharacteristic for him). He and Kristen led a mutiny, and before long, the entire team boycotted the activity and just rolled up to the statue in their ugly white vans.
Craig’s sabotage succeeded. He got the exemption and no money went in the pot. The whole thing looked so moleish and really pointed towards Craig as the mole (I think it’s either Craig or Mark).
Finally, it was quiz time. There was yet another tie this week, and when that happens, the person who answered the questions more slowly is the one to go home. This week, with a difference of only one second, that person was KRISTEN. She is not the mole.
Stay tuned for next week’s episode, when the final 6 go bungee jumping off of a bridge. Riveting.
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This week on The Mole - the remaining 7 players only added $25,000 to the pot after having their feet chained together like prisoners in the 1800s. Craig sabotaged the second mission, which made everyone boycott it.
After a tie on the quiz and losing by a one second time difference, KRISTEN went home. She is not the mole.
Stay tuned - the full episode recap will be posted soon!
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Review - Episode #4 of THE MOLE (Season 5)
This week, the remaining 8 Mole players found themselves in Uspallata, Argentia, heading towards the massive Andes Mountains. Victoria told us, “it reminds you how insignificant people can be.” Funny, those are usually my thoughts after watching The Real World on MTV.
Before long, they found annoying host Jon Kelley standing at the base of a mountain. Jon told them they were at the “highest mountain range on the planet - 7,200 feet altitude.” Wow. That’s very high. That’s “Snoop Dogg after smoking a blunt the size of Texas and then getting on an airplane” high. But I digress. Actually, it looked more like they were standing on Mars.
The teams split into two groups of 4 as Host Jon told an unnecessarily long, boring story about the Incas and the Spanish Conquistadors (I thought I accidentally switched to the History Channel). The teams were the SELFISH (Victoria, Nicole, Clay, and Kristen), and the SELFLESS (Paul, Alex, Craig, and Mark).
THE CHALLENGE: The contestants had a total of 50 minutes to carry heavy bricks of gold up another 2,800 feet to the top of the mountain. Each brick weighed in at 5 pounds, and they would earn $250 per brick. All teammates had to arrive at the same time. There would be an exemption for the first team to make it to the top. Kristen was really foaming at the mouth for the exemption. There’s no way she’s the mole; I believed her desperation to get that exemption and stay in the game.
Cut to a shot of everybody grabbing backpacks and running towards the gold bars like they were contestants on Supermarket Sweep (remember that show!?) Nicole said, “The only place I hike is to Bloomingdales, and I don’t do that with 35lbs of gold on my back.” No, she does it with 35lbs of make-up on her face. Bygones.
The teams found Jon sitting on a bench half-way up the mountain. He told them they had to carry a scale the rest of the way, to “weigh” the gold. The teams, already exhausted and sucking wind, were really mad. Mark had a full backpack and was carrying 4 additional bricks, which he had to drop in order to take the scale. The players later said that was suspicious, but come on. Try carrying a pack of gum up 10,000 feet, and then get back to me.
Both teams made it to the top. The Selfish team got there first, with 23 bricks worth $5,750. The Selfless team then arrived with 34 bricks worth $8,500. Host Jon then told them there was only ONE exemption and they had to decide amongst themselves who on the Selfish team would get it. If they couldn’t come to a unanimous decision, no one would get it and all the money would be taken from the pot. Clay pushed for himself, while the rest of the team wanted Kristen. She did, after all, carry more than the whole team combined. But in the end, Moley-Clay was the one to walk away with the exemption.
By time everyone got back down to the bottom of the mountain, Craig wasn’t lookin’ so good. He was coughing, and his face was bright red. An ambulance came to give him oxygen and take him to the hospital. Turns out Craig had hypothermia and was slipping in and out of consciousness. The doctors told him to “keep warm and get some rest” and sent him back home. Luckily, he was fine and made a full recovery.
During dinner, host Jon confiscated everyone’s journals, and wrote down some of his favorite comments. Then we heard yet another HORRIBLY DONE voiceover, explaining the details of a new mission called “Who Said That.” Basically, John read a comment from a journal, and they had to guess which player said it or wrote it in their journal. Each correct guess would add $2k to the pot.
1. VICTORIA was asked, “Who said at dinner, Victoria drank a lot?” She guessed Mark, and was correct.
2. Clay was asked, “Who said ‘Clay is very quiet, he’s a cool guy, I like his vibe.’” He guessed Kristen, and was correct.
3. Paul was asked, “Who said they are hoping this time it will work out right?” He went with Nicole, but was wrong. Jon didn’t reveal who really said it. I don’t know what the hell that statement even meant. This time WHAT will work out right? Discuss amongst yourselves.
4. Kristen was asked, “Who said mission one was the stupidest thing anyone ever did for money?” Nicole started coughing and fluttering her eyes, like she just got a whiff of Paul’s cheap $3 cologne. Kristen took the hint and chose Nicole, and was right. HOWEVER, at the end of the mission, host Jon did not award money for this correct answer because of Nicole’s antics. Was she being moley? I don’t think so. She’s just obnoxious and no mole would be that obvious.
5. Alex was asked, “Who said you are taking control?” He guessed Mark, and was wrong.
6. Mark was asked, “Who said ‘this is too easy’ but misspelled ‘too’ as ‘to’?” Mark guessed Paul and he was right. Come on, Paul. I live right next to New York, so I can confirm they have ELEMENTARY SCHOOLS there.
7. Nicole was asked, “Who said you were here for fame?” She guessed Paul, but was wrong. Jon said if someone would fess up to saying it, he’d add the money to the pot. Victoria immediately raised her hand and admitted to saying it. The Mole never would have done that.
The players were then thrown into vans, and before long, they arrived in the middle of nowhere. Jon asked, “Who is willing to sacrifice their journal?” Paul and Alex immediately volunteered, thinking an exemption was up for grabs. Alex won the game of rock paper scissors and handed his journal over to Host Jon, who then said,” For every decision there is a consequence. Sometimes it’s good, and sometimes it’s bad.” Sort of like a Harrisson Ford movie.
Jon made Alex take the journals from the other players and put them on a random picnic table. And in a scene that looked like something out of a Smokey The Bear PSA, Jon lit the entire table on fire. Before long, the journals were completely engulfed in flames. Alex was the only one to have his journal spared. Everyone was upset, but Mark was just DEVASTATED and ANGRY. He was pacing all over the place, with his fists clenched, like he was ready to punch some guy in a bar for calling his wife’s ass fat. Again, I genuinely believed his desperation. If he’s The Mole, he should win an Oscar.
Quiz time - sans journal! In yet another awful voiceover, we viewers were informed that Craig would also get to keep his journal because he couldn’t participate, and that the total pot was at $152k. Tonight there was a tie, so the player with the slowest time was executed. And with a difference of only 5 seconds, that player was VICTORIA. Victoria was not The Mole. I’m not surprised!
Stay tuned next week, when Nicole gets pissed because she has to put on a llama costume, and Paul starts more fights with people. Shocking. See you then!
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After the players carried gold up the Andes Mountain, host Jon Kelley burned their journals. Craig was carried away in an ambulance, and Clay earned an exemption. Craig had hypothermia, but was taken to the hospital and soon made a full recovery.
When all was said and done, VICTORIA went home. She is not the mole.
Stay tuned - the full episode recap will be posted soon!
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Review - Episode #3 of THE MOLE (Season 5)
The episode picked up where we left off last week - no, not with Craig eating a box of Krispy Kreme donuts and playing Madden NFL 08 in his underwear - but with Paul reminiscing about the stupid “death threat” Nicole gave him the night before. Paul said, “I couldn’t sleep last night. I was scared!” Let me guess, he’s frightened by the monster under his bed, too.
In the confessional, Nicole told the camera, “I just said `I’ll kill you’ to piss him off. There’s no other way to get under his skin so I said the worst possible thing you could say to someone.” Hi, Nicole, I hate to break it to you, but “I’m going to kill you” is not the worst possible thing you could say to a New Yorker. They hear it on a daily basis. Perhaps if you said, “Pedro Ramirez is your daddy” or “Your cab fare is $72,” you would have had an impact.
The next morning, the 10 remaining players found themselves back in Santiago, Chile, for a mission called “Fruit of the Luge.” Cut to a shot of Jon Kelley standing in front of a picnic table filled with fruit, and biting into an apple in slow motion like he’s the host of Iron Chef. For this mission, they would have to travel down a steel luge course at speeds up to 45 mph, on a plastic sled that looked more like something from Jenna Jamison’s private sex toy collection.
THE CHALLENGE: The players split up into 5 groups of 2 and each took a trip down the luge (2 players at a time). The player in the front was blindfolded and had to listen to the orders from the person in the back, and control the speed with a hand brake. Along the way, there were 7 billboards - each depicting a different fruit. The player in the back shouted the fruit and color out as they went by. At the bottom of the hill, the blindfolded player had to run back, find the fruits, and put them IN ORDER on the table. The team would earn $2k per correct fruit.
Team 1 was Bobby (in the back) and Clay (blindfolded). Cut to a shot of them flying down the luge, with Bobby screaming out fruits like he was Rain Man at a farmer’s market. Banana! Grape! Orange! Bobby didn’t call out the fruit colors, and mistook a pear for an avocado… something that seemed very mole-ish at the time.
This very boring sequence was repeated 4 more times, and finally, it was all over. Team Bobby/Clay got 5/7 right and added $10k to the pot. Team Ali/Paul also got 5/7 right and added another $10k to the pot. Teams Craig/Victoria and Kristen/Mark got all 7 correct, and added another $28k to the pot. But team Alex/Nicole only got 1 of the 7 fruits. Nicole sabotaged the mission by screaming out “GREEN APPLE” two times in a row when she was supposed to say “PURPLE GRAPES.” It was blatant sabotage, and frankly, The Mole would never be so obvious. I don’t think Nicole is The Mole.
So was the mission over? NO! Houston, we have a problem. The rules stated that there could be NO TALKING between the contestants once the luge got to the finish line. However, Bobby/Clay and Victoria/Craig kept discussing the fruits well past the finish line. They were disqualified and had their money taken away. The team earned $26k out of a possible $50k, bringing the pot total to $89k.
Jon Kelley then told them to get dressed up in their Sunday best - and dropped them off at a spa for some pampering and relaxation. Cut to various shots of hot stones, Swedish massages, and Alex drooling all over the bikini-clad women like he’s been in prison for the last 7 years (charge: disturbing the peace with his God-awful “music”). And while the players were getting chocolate rubdowns and swimming in the heated pool, host Jon then crept in and stole their clothes. Like we couldn’t have seen THAT coming from 8 miles away.
Host Jon re-appeared and told the players there was “good news and bad news.” Yeah. The bad news is, this is the most boring season of “The Mole” ever. The good news is, Oprah Winfrey’s finally starting to slip in the ratings. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Jon continued and said, “The bad news is that I sent your clothes to the cleaners, and they won’t be ready anytime soon. The good news is you will have an opportunity to add some money to the pot.”
THE CHALLENGE: The players had to make their way across town to a place called Restaurant Telar by 6:30 pm (it was 4pm at the time). The problem - the restaurant has a strict dress code and the players would have to convince the people of Santiago to literally give them the clothes off their back. The men needed a button-up shirt with a tie and dress pants, and the ladies needed a 2-piece top with either skirt or pants. For each person who made it to the restaurant with the required clothing, Jon would add $5k to the pot.
Jon then told the players that the robes they were wearing had to stay at the spa. Soccer coach Mark immediately ripped off his robe faster than CNN could start making money off Tim Russert’s tragic death. Nicole was mortified, but Bobby seemed to enjoy it and took a long look at his soccer coach ass.
Jon then gave the girls “Mole booty shorts and sports bras” while the men got “Mole tightie whities.” That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. This season of The Mole was 4 years in the making… and this is the best they could come up with. Having the players walk around Chile in their underwear. Give me a break.
Once they got outside, Clay opted out of the challenge. He said, “My dignity and self respect is more important to me than money.” Three seconds later, Mark said, “I agree, I’m out too.” Wait, what? Back that bus up. Thirty seconds ago, he flung his robe off and stood there half naked like he was a Roman statue. But now he’s modest and is worried about his dignity? SOMEBODY SOUND THE MOLE ALARM. Mark has the perfect Mole strategy - act over the top during every challenge and really make it look like you’re trying to add money to the pot - so no one will suspect you. But backing out of this challenge was blatant sabotage and was very out of character for Mark. He is a heavy contender for THE MOLE.
Before long, the 8 participating players were roaming around Santiago in their underwear. And in case you missed it, Bobby is disgustingly, sickeningly skinny. He asked one woman for a shirt, and she actually laughed him away saying he “needed food” instead. Craig joked, “When Bobby and I stand next to each other, we look like the number 10.”
Over the next several boring minutes, the players slowly but surely found people willing to help them out. Alex got a few cab drivers to give him and Paul their shirts, and Victoria convinced some American girl with bad teeth to give her a sweater. But Craig couldn’t find any clothing big enough to fit him. Oddly enough, team Craig/Bobby/Nicole stumbled upon the laundromat where Jon took their clothes and with just minutes to spare, got dressed and made it to the restaurant by 6:30.
All 8 participating players made it to the restaurant on time, adding $40k to the pot and bringing the total to $129k. During the meal, Paul and Nicole were screaming at each other again, while everyone else was just sitting there awkwardly looking down and pushing their food around on their plates. Can’t these two just sleep together and get it over with?!
QUIZ TIME! Once the results were in, host Jon offered $30k for one of them to voluntarily leave the game and go home - and Ali actually took it! Turns out, she would have been SAFE. Too bad, so sad. BOBBY was then executed after scoring the lowest on the quiz.
Remember earlier in the show, when Bobby forgot to shout out the fruit colors and confused a pear for an avocado? Yeah. Turns out he wasn’t trying to sabotage the game… HE’S JUST AN IDIOT. Hopefully he’ll return home, eat some food, and sit in on some kindergarten classes.
Stay tuned next week, when the players hike to the top of a huge mountain, and Craig has to get carried away in an ambulance! Of course, there’s more fighting… and Mark disappears. How riveting. See you next week!
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Ali and Bobby went home tonight - they are not THE MOLE!
After the quiz, hos Jon Kelley offered the players a $30,000 bribe - and ALI took it. She went home with a smile on her face. Turns out, if she decided to stay, she would have been safe.
Bobby was then executed, after scoring the lowest on the quiz.
Stay tuned - the full episode review will be posted shortly!
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Another week - Another episode of The Mole!
The episode opened with the 11 remaining contestants arriving at the Metropolitan Park in Santiago, Chile. Annoying OBGYN Nicole informed us that she was “gonna be a little bit quieter and a little bit more stealthy.” She then put on a camouflage helmet and returned to playing Splinter Cell on her Nintendo DS.
Television’s lamest host - Jon Kelley - told the team to split themselves into two groups: 2 people who look at life as an “Uphill Battle” and 9 people who are “Goal Oriented.” Considering they were standing at the bottom of a huge hill, and the challenge was called “Race to the Summit,” they had the sense to put two athletic people on the “Uphill Battle” team (Mark and Kristen). Wise choice… because if I had to watch Booby (intentionally misspelled) limp and cry his way up that hill, I would have been more depressed than I was after watching Magnolia.
Mark and Kristen had to race to the summit on a bicycle built for two, while the remaining 9 would ride up in a rickety gondola. If the team of 9 beat Kristen and Mark, $35k would be added to the pot. However, if Kristen and Mark got to the top first, no money would be added to the pot, but they’d get exemptions for themselves. BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!
The Goal Oriented team had to “earn” their gondola tickets by scoring just ONE goal against one of Chile’s “toughest soccer teams.” Bobby exclaimed, “I played soccer through high school and I know the game better than 99.9% of people on my team.” His nose then suddenly grew 4 inches.
Cut to a shot of Kristen and Mark frantically racing their bike uphill, like they were Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow trying to outride a bunch of rabid fans in Livestrong bracelets. The chain on the bike kept breaking, so Mark decided they should just run the bike up the hill instead. Meanwhile, the Goal Oriented team arrived at the soccer fiend and found they’d be playing against… A BUNCH OF 7 YEAR OLDS. How predictable.
Bobby’s pathetic “I’m out of shape and can’t do this” antics started early in the match. After only a few minutes, he was sucking wind and doubled over in pain like he just passed a kidney stone the size of Shania Twain’s broken heart. Not surprisingly, the kids kicked their out of shape asses. After 20 minutes, the score was 14-0 and it had to go to penalty kicks. Musician Alex was up first, but delivered the worst penalty kick I’ve ever seen. He kicked the ball with virtually no energy, and aimed it directly at the goalie. Very moleish. Ali was up next, and she easily kicked it past the goalie and earned the team their one needed goal. (Sidebar: This wasn’t the first time she “scored” one with the entire team.)
The 9 were then given tickets and a map to the gondola station, but alas, they had to get there on foot. Cut to a shot of them breathing heavily and slowly jogging through the streets of Chili like bumbling rejects who were just cut from a high school JV track team. Liz sat down and took her shoes off, and obese Craig was sweating like Whitney Houston in a Bikram Yoga class. It wasn’t pretty.
Meanwhile, lame host Jon Kelley set up a roadblock for bike riders Kristen and Mark. Jon said, “Forget the bike and ride a taxi to the top. It will cost you $5k out of the pot.” Kristen wanted to do it, but Mark strongly rejected it. He said, “I don’t want to be bothered. I just want to get to my destination.” He sounded more like a disgruntled Jet Blue passenger than a contestant on The Mole, but I digress.
It came down to the wire, but ultimately, KRISTEN AND MARK go to the summit first. They earned exemptions for themselves, burned 52,000 calories, and kept $35k out of the pot.
The next day, the 11 contestants arrived at a farm in Pomaire, Chile. They stepped out of their minivans and immediately started complaining about how bad it smelled. Jeez. What do you expect? It’s 100 degrees and you’re on a farm. You didn’t just roll up to the Glade factory. Get a grip!
Host Jon welcomed the group to Pomaire… (crickets chirping)… “home of beautiful handmade pottery and ceramic piggy banks.” But Houston, we have a problem. No, Tom Hanks didn’t eat the last pouch of astronaut ice cream. It’s far more serious. A potter named Patricia Ortega can’t find 50 of her piggy banks. She just had a ransom note that said, “I have taken your stinking pigs, I have hidden them throughout the town, the day you get them back is the day pigs fly.” Sounds like the plot of a new Die Hard movie starring Kermit and Miss Piggy. How thrilling.
THE CHALLENGE: Get the piggy banks back! The teams had to split themselves into three groups of 3, and one group of 2. The “Ham It Up” teams of 3 had to run around town searching for pigs with a green mole thumb print. They would then return back to the farm and use a slingshot to literally “make pigs fly.” The “Bring Home The Bacon” team of 2 (Liz and Paul) had to then catch those flying pigs… “IN A BLANKET” earning $1k for every pig caught. How lame! Who the hell came up with this stupid challenge? And what the hell is with all the “Pig” sayings and puns? I couldn’t tell if I was watching The Mole, or a poorly done Jimmy Dean sausage commercial.
Host Jon explained that one more exemption would be available today, and that the team would have about an hour to finish the mission (the amount of time it would take potter Patricia and her uninterested son Pablo to make 12 souvenir clay pigs).
Cut to a shot of the teams frantically running all over town, searching for the clay pigs. Team Mark/Clay/Ali found 18 pigs, and Team Alex/Victoria/Nicole found 21 pigs. But Team Craig/Kristen/Bobby sucked! Bobby couldn’t even walk, so he sat in the wheelbarrow as Kristen pushed him all around town. It was one of the most pathetic things I’ve ever seen. In the end, they found ZERO pigs, which coincidentally is how much testosterone Bobby has flowing through his body.
Back at the farm, Liz and Paul were bored as hell, standing around in cheap plastic Power Rangers uniforms and waiting for the teams to get back. Paul heard something clanking around in one of the piggy banks, so he broke it and found a “Mole Exemption” coin. That cost the team $1k, and also added fuel to my theory that Paul is NOT the mole.
The teams arrived back at the farm and started using the slingshot to fling the pigs through the air. Paul and Liz, clad in more protective gear than the Los Angeles bomb squad, caught them in a blanket. In the end, they caught 28 pigs and added $28k into the pot… bringing the total money in the pot to a sad $63k.
That night, Bobby found Alex’s journal in his room. He excitedly thumbed through it like it was the one remaining Joan Collins book he hadn’t read yet. Aside from a few bad doodles, there really wasn’t much written in the journal (which did seem very Moley). Bobby slammed the book shut and called it “useless” - a term he’s used to having screamed in his face.
So where was Alex during all of this? Playing guitar and singing cheesy songs while everyone lounged around in bed, like he was Marc Antony at sleepover camp. In his personal video footage, Alex said he intentionally left the journal in Bobby’s room to “see if he’d fall for it.” Oh you trickster! What’s next? A whoopi cushion under his chair at dinner? A banana peel outside his door?
After an uneventful dinner and an even more uneventful quiz, it was time to send someone home. As Host Jon told Clay he was safe, I noticed a HUGE unsightly lump in Clay’s throat. This was no Adam’s apple. It looked like Clay swallowed a leftover grapefruit from the set of Jack La Lanne’s Power Juicer commercial. Bygones. In the end, LIZ answered the most questions incorrectly, and was sent packing.
There was a little drama after the elimination! Bobby said Paul wasn’t classy, and Paul snapped back by saying, “Letting a woman push you around in a wheelbarrow, yeah, that’s real classy.” That shut Bobby up faster than Angelina Jolie could say “I’m pregnant.” OBGYN Nicole then put her two cents in, and told Paul, “I’m gonna kill you while you sleep. I can do it and not leave any forensic evidence.” Oh dear. Somebody call Dr’s Michael Baden and Henry Lee. We might need their services, pronto.
And there you have it! Stay tuned for next week, when someone takes the remaining 10 contestants’ clothing, forcing them to run around town in their underwear searching for stuff to wear. Also, Host Jon offers them $30k to leave the game now. Will anyone take it? Stay tuned!
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So here we are again - another year, Season 5 of The Mole! Get ready for more drama, more injuries, and more AWFUL voice-overs, as we spend the next several weeks watching 12 people make fools of themselves for money on national television! I love The Mole… so let’s get started.
As footage of dramatic South American waterfalls and rain forests rolled, host Jon Kelley told us that “the 12 contestants traveled over 5,000 miles to play a game designed to push them over the edge.” Sort of like Thelma and Louise, but without the car and menopausal hot flashes.
A poll was taken, and it was revealed that most players thought The Mole was Marcie, a 31 year old mother from California. I disagreed. After listening to her for a few minutes, Marcie just looked like a spoiled housewife incapable of doing her own laundry… let alone sabotaging a game show.
For the first mission, the contestants had to climb onto a raft and navigate it downstream and over a waterfall. They then had to jump off the raft and grab a bag, which was possibly filled with money. If that sounds dangerous, don’t worry, it wasn’t. I’ve seen people taking bigger risks by ordering the house special at my local Chinese restaurant. Anyway, six bags had money in them, and six bags had paper, but no one knew if their bag had money or paper except for early Mole-Elect Marcie. She decided who would jump for cash, and who would jump for paper.
First up was Alex, a musician from Pennsylvania. He said, “As a performer, I’m great on my feet.” Apparently not. The raft went flying over the edge of the waterfall, and in the Moliest move so far, he didn’t even attempt to grab the money bag. Soon after his pathetic attempt, Ali, a 24-yr old model, also failed. She had it in her hand and dropped it like was it was hot. The contestants may have been pissed, but somewhere in America, Snoop Dogg sure was proud.
Clay, Kristen, Mark, and Bobby then easily grabbed the bag, and so did Liz, a 60-year old retired widow from Montana. She said, “It’s wonderful to be able to get out there and show them my stuff!” Whoa, hold on, Liz. I thought you were a retired widow, not a pole dancer at Bada-Bing. I’m not so sure I want to see “your stuff.”
Paul, a 29 year old Boston Red Sox hater, then missed the bag. He said, “A 60 year old lady got the bag and I did not get the bag.” Paul wanted “the bag” because he mistakingly thought it contained Curt Schilling’s bloody sock - the final missing piece to his Red Sox voodoo kit.
Next, Victoria from Texas and Craig from California missed the bag. But in the final jump of the night, Nicole, an annoying OBGYN from Chicago, was able to hold onto it. The team ended up with 6 bags and these were the results:
NICOLE: Fake mole money in her bag.
KRISTEN: Fake mole money in her bag (Note: the group thought this made look Marcie look moley and suspicious because Kristen is very athletic… so why wouldn’t Marcie have chosen her to jump for real money?)
BOBBY: Fake mole money in his bag.
LIZ: Fake mole money in her bag.
MARK: Real money. $10k added to the pot.
CLAY: Real money. $10k added to the pot.
Host Jon Kelley then handed out The Mole journals, the “only place to write notes and observations.” Or if you’re Charlie Sheen, a safe place to doodle Denise Richards’ boobs. The notebook Jon was holding had the #11 on it… so either that’s a clue to the Mole’s identity, or it’s the amount of cheeseburgers Craig had for dinner last night. You decide. Jon then told the 12 contestants that there was a cabin nearby that only 8 people could sleep in and that 4 people would have to sleep outside. Marcie picked Nicole, Liz, Craig, and Bobby to sleep outside, making them angrier than Jessica Simpson after Ashlee’s plastic surgery made her “the prettier sister.”
Meanwhile, OBGYN Nicole was throwing a fit because she didn’t want to sleep outside. Please. It was 40 degrees, and they had thermal sleeping bags and a fire. This bitch was acting like she had to spend a night in a meat locker with Rocky Balboa. She sat awake in the house all night, saying she “didn’t sleep” and therefore was not breaking the rules… acting less like an OBGYN and more like a paralegal for the Haymond & Haymond Law Firm.
The next morning, the contestants met on the beach for their next challenge. The host then asked, “Who is the biggest whiner in the group?” Everyone pointed to Nicole faster than Mike Myers to a lame movie script. He then told a very long, very boring story about Alexander Selkirk - a man who was a castaway on an island in 1704. So what’s the point of all this? Keep reading.
CHALLENGE: There were 45 items scattered on the beach, and the ultimate goal was to find the 5 items that Selkirk had with him in 1704. The teams were divided into scavengers (the people running around searching for stuff in the sand), appraisers (the people who decided which items were the ones Selkirk had), and timekeepers (2 people who had to keep filling an hourglass with sand so time wouldn’t run out). OBGYN Nicole decided who would perform in each role, while she sat back and drank pink lemonade. The appraisers would have 3 tries and for each correct item, $5k would be added to the pot.
Cut to a shot of people running all over the beach overturning rocks and digging through the sand. I didn’t know if I was watching The Mole, or a bunch of early morning fishermen looking for cheap bait. Many of the scavengers were either trying to act “Moleish” - or they were the biggest idiots on the face of the earth. They brought vacuums, hair dryers, and fans over to the appraisers, like they were around in 1704. And Bobby, one of the skinniest guys there, was doubled over in exhaustion like he just scaled Mt. Etna with Oprah Winfrey strapped to his back. Everyone thought it was suspicious, but I just thought he was an out-of-shape dweeb.
For try #1, the appraisers selected an antique battery, a hat, a bunsen burner, a victrola, and a goat. They only had ONE correct. Time for a commercial break, and to do some thinking. Maybe Nicole is The Mole. She knew they would be looking for “A Whiner” in the upcoming challenge, so she poured the whining on the night before so the group would choose her as “the whiniest” - so she could sabotage the entire activity. She did have the fat and out-of-shape people do the scavenging after all.
For try #2, the appraisers selected a camera, bible, mason jar, musket, and a goat. They had THREE correct. And for their last try, they chose a revolver (incorrect - invented in 1835), a musket (correct), a bible (correct), jeans (incorrect - invented in 1873, what idiots!), and a goat (correct). They added $15k into the pot, bringing the total to $35k.
Time for the quiz! Each contestant had to answer 10 questions about The Mole. The person with the lowest score would then be executed. When Red Sox hater Paul learned he was safe, he acted VERY dramatic and over-the-top relieved, which seemed very Moleish to me. And in an ironic twist, MARCIE was the one executed and sent home.
Stay tuned for next week, when the contestants go bike riding and have a hard time pushing a wheelbarrow. And once again, Bobby’s unable to do ANYTHING. See you next week!
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