Pophangover Archives: Pop Culture Satire and Celebrity Parodies

CIGARETTE MILES: Other Redemption Ideas For Smokers

April 25, 2008 – 2:56 pm

…So you have tons of cigarette miles, but you don’t want to trade them in for a
cheesy T-shirt or a lame fanny-pack? Luckily, you don’t have to. Take a look
at these exciting redemption choices.

JUST 1,650 POINTS	AUTHENTIC TOOTH WHITENING KIT Use this handy little product and people won’t even be able to guess you smoke 2 packs a day.
JUST 2,250 POINTS	ALL COTTON TEE Wear this “My Mom Smoked While Pregnant With Me” T-shirt with pride. What? Your mom wasn’t a smoker? Shhh, we won’t tell.
JUST 3,475 POINTS	GUARANTEED TO WORK! FAKE ID Hey all you minors! Sick of not being able to buy your own cigarettes? Order this Shaka Zulu fake ID and go buy yourself some smokes. This ID is GUARANTEED to work, because no one (and we mean NO ONE) turns down Shaka Zulu.
WOW! BARGAIN AT JUST 6,325 POINTS	100% REAL HUMAN LUNG Having a hard time breathing? If so, this great lung is perfect for you. After surgery (hospital fees NOT included) load the bonus cherry red cooler up with some beers and hit the beach with your new lung.
10,850 POINTS	WEEKEND GETAWAY WITH JANEANE For the super-smoker, what could be better then a fabulous weekend getaway with Janeane Garofalo? Spend your 2 days talking, coughing, and of course, smoking.
20,525 POINTS	COZY RESTING PLACE It might take you a lifetime to save 20,525 miles, but that’s okay, because right before you die, you can redeem them for this fine handcrafted coffin.

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GET DOWN AND PAR-TAY: A Pophangover Mix CD

April 25, 2008 – 4:05 am

Never has there been a CD that makes you want to shake your ass like Get Down and Par-tay! It has all the songs you want, on just ONE CD! YEAH BABY. Take a look!

**WHEN YOU ORDER GET DOWN AND PAR-TAY! YOU’LL GET. . .**

“If You’re Guilty and You Know It, Clap Yo’ Hands”
The Ramseys (with guest rapper OJ Simpson)

“The Mac Attack Medley”
Carnie Wilson Band

“In A Black Room With Black Curtains (And A Cigarette)”
Janeane Garofalo

“Set It and Forget It! (Then Do The Nasty)”
Ron Popeil and the Popettes

“My Name Is Not Theo”
Malcolm Jamaar Warner

“I Just Called To Say I’m Banging Your Niece”
Stevie Wonder

“The Bong Song”
Whitney Houston ft. Sisqo

“Dirty Diana (Take A Bath You Stank Az’ Ho)”
Michael Jackson

“Whistle While You Jerk”
David Crosby

“A Tribute To Vanilli”
Milli

“Welcome To Miami (Here’s Your Bulletproof Vest And Your Spanish-English Dictionary)
Will Smith

“Let It Snow!”
George W. Bush

“The Lightsaber Boogie”
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader

AND THAT’S NOT ALL! YOU ALSO GET…..

“Squeaking To The Tune Of The Nutcracker”
Richard Gere’s Gerbil

“Ancient Bongo Sounds”
Matt McConaughey

“Hip Hop Whore-ay!”
Darva Conger

“Squinty Eyed, Phony Bitch Sings The Blues”
Jennifer Love Hewitt

PLUS 2 MORE!

Posted in Celebrity humor, General Satire | No Comments »

FRESHMEAT: The newest, hottest boy band!

April 25, 2008 – 3:36 am

We here at Pophangover are proud to announce we are the managers of the hottest new boyband around, FRESHMEAT! They’re fresh. They’re meat. They’re FRESH MEAT! Already huge in Zimbabwe, FRESHMEAT is ready to take America by storm. Look for their album, 98% Lean, in stores soon.

Freshmeat logo

freshmeat boys

FRESHMEAT IS. . .

	HERMAN “BABYFACE” GALLAGHER IDENTITY: He’s the baby of the group. FAVORITE COLOR: braces grey MOST ROMANTIC THING DONE FOR A GIRL: Once impressed a girl on first date by opening her bottle of soda pop with his teeth. LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Herman still wears diapers. Sometimes screaming girls in the front row pass out from the smell.
	VINNY “ROCKY ROAD” HOWLADAYS IDENTITY: He’s the jokester, the funny one, the all around wild n’ crazy guy!! FAVORITE GAG: the classic yet elegant “pull my finger” trick. DREAMGIRL: Carnie Wilson. CRAZIEST THING A FAN HAS EVER DONE TO MEET HIM: Vinny has no fans (yet.) Hopefully, that will change when he “loses the weight.”
	BLANE “CREAMED CORN” LADYDOE IDENTITY: He’s the dreamy one. Hold onto your hearts, girls!! HOBBIES: Blane is a “hopeless romantic”. He enjoys long walks on the beach, warm fire-lit nights, and making paper dolls. CAR: 1991 Yugo (slight rust problem on passenger side door) LITTLE KNOWN FACT: Blane was rejected by the Mickey Mouse Club. Ha! Big mistake, wait until they see him two-step!
	TANZO “SLIPPERY NIP” TOTEMHAWK IDENTITY: Sometimes, he is “TANZO THE ATHLETIC ONE.” Other times, he is “TANZO THE BADBOY.” It depends on what he ate for breakfast. BIGGEST FEAR: Falling into the toilet. OTHER JOBS: When not touring, Tanzo plays for the L.A. Clippers. FACT TANZO LIKES TO KEEP QUIET: Tanzo’s left nipple randomly lactates.
	STAN “WEDGIE” PUMPERNICKEL IDENTITY: The serious, brainy one. HOW HE BECAME A FRESHMEAT MEMBER: We needed to fill the “Serious, Brainy One” boyband slot, so we went to a Star Trek convention… and the rest is history. MOST EMBARASSING STORY: Recently found out his “internet girlfriend” was his MOTHER. FAVORITE FRESH MEAT SONG: “Our Love Is Carnivorous” (Ground Chuck Mix)

LADIES!
THE FRESH MEAT GUYS ARE ALL SINGLE, AND YES!!
THEY WOULD DATE A FAN!

and opening up for FRESHMEAT on tour will be….
WANDA HOOVERVILLE!

…featuring her smash hit “MY FOUR EYES LOVE YOU (YES BABY THEY DO)”

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ASK POPHANGOVER: You’ve got questions, we’ve got answers.

April 25, 2008 – 3:07 am

DEAR POPHANGOVER, My girlfriend and I have been living together for five months. I clean up after myself but I’m just not as anal about it as she is. This is causing tons of problems in our relationship. What should I do? Sincerely, Sloppy in SOCAL DEAR SLOPPY, Who the hell are you dating, Mary Poppins? Seems to us you’re pulling your weight (and judging from the size of many out there these days, that’s not exactly an easy task.) Looks like your girlfriend is the one with the problem. Maybe you should jump ship and find another girlfriend, one who won’t go Sam Kinison on you at the sight of a fingerprint on the coffee table. Or hey, say you really love her and aren’t willing to give up that easily. The Osbournes are clearly out of work (psst: we hear Kelly does windows!) Good luck! PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, I’m a sophomore at Texas Tech and I’m not sure if my roommate is gay. I want to know but I’m not comfortable asking him. How can I tell? Sincerely, Troubled in Texas DEAR TROUBLED, No problem! Follow our patented three step procedure to determine if your roommate is gay: 1) Casually bring up Christopher Lowell in conversation. If he in turn uses the words “fabulous,” “chenille,” or “rhododendrons,” chances are he’s gay. 2) Hold up a photo of Ricky Martin. If HE bangs, he’s gay. (Since you live in the south, a photo of Bo Duke may be used in a pinch.) 3) Mention The Wizard Of Oz and ask him which character he most identifies with. If it’s Judy Garland (or Toto), no question about it: he’s gay. Hope that helps! PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, It’s spring break and I have no money. Is there any way to have fun without going away? Signed, Broke in Buffalo DEAR BROKE, Unless your idea of a good time involves watching your teenage brother light his farts on fire, we suggest you buy some Richard Simmons videos, sweat to the oldies for an hour or two each day, and then cram your bony ass into your best friend’s carry-on. Hey, you asked. Bon Voyage! PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, I loved my last girlfriend so much that I got her name, Jean, tattooed on my bicep. But she cheated on me and we broke up last month. Now the sight of this tattoo is making me sick and I just can’t come up with any creative designs to modify it. Any suggestions? HELP ME! Inked in Illinois DEAR INKED, Why the hell would you tattoo some girl’s name on your arm, anyway? What’s the matter with you! Okay, fine, we all make mistakes (Anne Heche’s little Ellen mishap was living proof of that.) Anyway, here are some ideas to tidy up your JEAN tattoo: 1: JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME. Hey, Kickboxer was a good movie. This way, people could just think you’re loco and like to kick trees in order to strengthen your calves. 2: JEANS. Who cares? Let everyone think you’re really into denim. 3: Don’t fix it at all. Convince people the J is really supposed to be an L, but your tattoo artist screwed up because he’s dyslexic. LEAN. That’s right. You’re hip. You’re now. You’re LEAN. Just be thankful her name wasn’t Brunhilda, PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, I get a face full of freckles every summer. Is there any way to get rid of them? Signed, Spotted in Seattle DEAR SPOTTED, Lordy! Haven’t you ever seen that episode with Jan on The Brady Bunch? Lemons and a black wig, honey! Or you could just go with the flow. Dye your hair red, find a dog named Sandy, and stand in the park trying to convince people the sun will indeed come out tomorrow. Good luck! PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, I’m 17, and I’m going out with a 13 year old girl I really like. Everyone (including my best friend) teases me about it. How can I get them off my back? Sincerely, Jaded in Jersey DEAR JADED, Mmmk. Here’s an idea: how about you run along and find yourself a girl who knows there was actually life before the Grunge Movement. Or perhaps even one who associates Vanilla Ice with something other than a frozen cube that has been flavored by a Vanilla Coke. Chew on this: when you’re 18, she’ll be 14. And you’ll be in jail. Do you think she’ll really have time to visit you with all those Lizzy McGuire episodes and dreaded 8th grade Social Studies book reports to keep her busy? No. She won’t. So take a lesson from R. Kelly: never wear cornrolls, and just say no to jailbait. Hope that helps! PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, My husband and I received Easter dinner invitations from both sides of our families. We can’t attend both because they live in different states, so we’re stuck in a bind and don’t know which dinner to attend. Help! Torn in Tennessee DEAR TORN, Fear not! It all comes down to these basic questions: 1) Which family will have the least amount of snotty-nosed spoiled brats kicking you under the dinner table? and 2) Which family will serve the Honey Glazed Ham least likely to make you projectile vomit? Weigh the pros and cons carefully. You can also use a points system (-5 points for a dirty uncle who hits on you, +4 points for a stocked liquor cabinet, etc.) Happy Easter! PH

DEAR POPHANGOVER, After 28 years of marriage, my husband left me and our 3 children so he could be with his secretary. I’m so upset. I wonder “What Jesus Would Do” in my situation. Any advice for me? Signed, Lost In Little Rock DEAR LOST, Well, since Jesus just saw Waiting To Exhale last night, Jesus would take all of the cheating bastard’s clothes, favorite electronic equipment, and $4,000 golf clubs… put them all in his Lexus… and light the entire thing on fire. You bring the hot dogs, I’ll bring the marshmallows! Don’t Mess With Jesus! PH

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FUNNY UNSENT LETTERS: Sarcasm Included

April 25, 2008 – 12:19 am

DEAR CHILIS,

DEAR BACHMAN,

DEAR HILLARY SWANK,

DEAR NOKIA,

DEAR TORI SPELLING,

DEAR CRAYOLA,

DEAR TICKETMASTER,

DEAR JEAN CLAUDE VAN DAMME,

DEAR SIEGFRIED AND ROY,

DEAR JOHN ROCKER,

DEAR WHAT WOULD JESUS DO (WWJD),

DEAR SKID ROW,

Posted in Celebrity humor, General Satire | No Comments »

FAILED CEREALS: They Look Delish, Though

April 24, 2008 – 8:36 pm

Posted in General Satire | No Comments »

THE WORLD’S WORST CLOWNS: Why Don’t They Have A Job?!

April 24, 2008 – 8:33 pm

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CELEBRITY BOOK BOMBS: Why didn’t they make it?!

April 24, 2008 – 8:25 pm

HALEY JOEL OSMENT
HE SEES SMELLS DEAD PEOPLE
Haley was trying to get in touch with his other senses, but this little gem just never quite caught on.

TOM HANKSsK AND MEG RYAN
REDEFINING THE PHRASE: GO TO THE MATTRESSES
This heartwarming collection of x-rated cybersex e-mails exchanged between NY152INCHER and SEXSHOPGIRL was never fully embraced by the public.

BEN STILLER
According to Ben, there’s nothing on this Earth that can hold a candle to a finely fermented hunk of cheese. Hmm, why wasn’t this book flying off the shelves?

BARBARA WALTERS
LET THE TRUTH BE KNOWN!
Hey, who knew?

RICKY MARTIN
Olé Olé Olé
Shake your bon bon, shake your bon bon?

CALISTA FLOCKHART
SOMEBODY PASS HER A TWINKIE.
Sales for this book plummited after Kate Moss released her book, “What Your Gag Reflex Can Do For Your Figure.”

MICHAEL DOUGLAS: ROMANCING THE ZETA-JONES
This book bombed, but that’s not stopping wife Catherine Zeta-Jones from releasing her future not-so-best-seller, entitled: “No, he’s not my dad, you stupid bastard.”

MARILYN MANSON
With mouth-watering dishes like “Crispy Cockroach Chicken” and “Bloody Eyeball Soup,” we’re surprised more Americans weren’t flocking to bookstores to purchase this little number.