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WEEK OF 2/06/05: THE
BACHELORETTE
This one was almost as painful to watch as “Are You
My Dad?” but since that wasn’t on this week, here’s your weekly
wiener!
So here we are AGAIN with Miss Jen Schefft, looking for
love with the final six men who, quite frankly, all look
like rejected extras from a Backstreet Boys video. The
guys' task for the night was to write a "secret" love letter to
Jen. Jen would then choose her two favorite letters,
taking their corresponding writers out for one-on-one
dates. And yes, you heard me right. LOVE LETTERS. Because we're
in 4th grade.
Thanks to advanced technological
breakthroughs, we at Pophangover are proud to be able to bring you a
screencap of one of the letters:
Poor Jen, however could she
pick just TWO letters from the fine specimens she received? She
tried to make it look like her challenge was harder than Bill
Nye the Science Guy after catching that new Discovery Channel
special on erupting volcanoes. But, nonetheless, Jen found a
way to weed out the ones she liked the most.
Ryan was
lucky winner #1. The two lovebirds went on a whimsical fire
truck ride throughout the city... with Ryan acting like
Pinocchio on his first date as a ‘real boy’ the entire
time. And his nose wasn't the only thing expanding a few
inches, if you know what I'm saying. And I think that you
do.
Jerry (whose response to why he’s ready to get married
was an oh-so-romantic “I’m not sure why”) was lucky winner #2. They
danced, they snuggled, they made out like 7th graders who just
realized kissing was more fun than typing the word "BOOBIES" into a
calculator.
**Warning**
If you are a college student
or an alcoholic, please do not read the next sentence, as it may be
incredibly disturbing to you:
Jerry and
Jen left two full glasses of wine on the table when
they left! Alcohol Abuse! The horror!
**End
Warning**
The
remaining 4 losers didn't get one-on-one dates with Jen. They
instead were awarded the chance to look like idiotic Chef Boyardee imposters
while making pizzas with her:
The third "surprise" date went to the man who got to the top
of the Empire State Building the fastest from ten blocks away and
with no money to bargain with. Wendell, the old man of the group,
managed to make it there first by promising a New York cabbie a $300
wire transfer. Say it with me people, GIVE ME A BREAK. Who
the hell was the driver, gullible Rose Nyland from the
Golden Girls?
Ben then made a pathetic, corny attempt to win over Jen’s
affections before the rose ceremony. Let's just say he stopped short of singing
a "Bette Midler" tune. And the “shocking” ending no one would see
coming was as clear as Ruben Studdard's booking
schedule: Fabrice didn’t feel that ‘connection’ he thought he should in order
to stay in the game (I think he was actually feeling a ‘connection’ to
John Paul, if you want the truth). But in the end, where Fabrice likes
it best, he and Ben were the ones to go.
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